Think my marriage is doomed, any advice welcome.

[TheEndIsNigh]

Yes I am a regular, namechanged blah blah.

Have been married just over 4 years. We have a 3 yo ds and I'm pregnant.

We just argue all the time. He works long hours, leaves early, back often after 9pm. I look forward to the weekend only to spend it arguing.

We don't have sex (admittedly it's probably because I'm pg and still suffering with sickness, amongst other things), but we don't sleep in the same bed either.

We don't hug, kiss or hold hands. We just argue. I just seem like I'm nagging him the whole time. He's resentful that I'm not doing much around the house at the moment.

I think I'm probably mildly depressed. This pg has been really hard going and I don't want to do anything apart from watch TV and spend time on here.

I don't think I fancy him any more. There's just nothing there. We are like flatmates. Flatmates that don't get on.

I know I should bring up counselling with him. But I don't know how we'd do that practically - with ds about and his ridiculous work hours.

I feel like I'm only staying with him for ds and for his salary - sounds awful but I do depend on him financially (despite earning a small amount myself) and I don't know what I'd do without his income - I guess I'd have to live with my folks for a while.

It's only been the last few weeks that I've actually considered anything other than staying with him, and it's frightening.

Any advice would be appreciated. I'm sure I shouldn't be making any decisions while I'm pg but I can't see it getting any better.

Did it used to be good? Did you fancy him at the start? Is he basically a good man that you liked and were pretty compatible with in what you wanted out of life? Did it start off well but now has gone cr*p.

If yes to all of the above, then IMO it's worth doing all you can to save. And counselling can really help. Sounds he's probably not happy either. Fancying (and love) can come back when it's gone.

Sorry I sound like an American advert in the first bit. Fairly pg and just had a diet coke so bit loopy! Will come back later to be more intelligent.

Yes to all of the above!

i would really hold out some hope for the future. when you are pg and have v little children it is v hard. but i do think it might get easier. cant help on the fancying him front at this stage but perhaps try working on being flatmates that do get on to start with. the rest will prob come back in time. once you both feel valued and have fun together i am sure it might all improve again. you need you both to work out what it is you are arguing about and tryto resolve it. with a new dc arriving soon you wil be better off at least in the short term trying to get him back at least as your friend...

Please hang in there and try to make it work.

I am probably biased, because my ex DH ended our marriage, and I would have given anything to save our marriage. (see my thread of today about how miserable I am feeling !!)

It is easy to get into a cycle of resentment and arguing, etc. Perhaps you can sit down together and talk about it. I know it's easier said than done, but please try.

Thanks. I will try and talk to him. Communication is not one of our strong points!

I remember a good friend saying to me 'it's natural to hate your partner for the first 2 years after DC born'.

Please do remember the good things you saw in him. I remember being where you are, having 2 small DC.

It's loads better now btw!

I think that it's right to not make any drastic decisions right now. It's a rare couple that doesn't have periods of struggling with pregnancy and small children. A wise Mumsnetter (I wish I could remember who it was) said that it should be made illegal to divorce within a year of having a child - just because even great relationships can struggle when under that kind of pressure - no sex life, hormones all over the place, sleepless nights etc. There was a thread ages ago where everyone with babies admitted to arguing about who was the most tired and therefore deserved to have a nap. It doesn't mean that the relationship is worthless though.

I've also been fantasising a lot about having an affair, or running off with someone. Is that normal?

It certainly isn't unheard of to have sexual fantasies about other people - especially when you're pregnant and your hormones are raging. I suppose what I'm saying is that your relationship could be over and you could be better off leaving, but my opinion is that this isn't a good time to make that decision, as everyone goes through rough times like this when they have small children - and your relationship did used to be good (with fancying etc.).

If you could get back what you once had pre-children, would you want it?

Ante-natal depression, I was told, is almost (more?) common than post-natal depression.

The way you say that the thoughts you have of splitting up have come suddenly and are frightening you makes me wonder if you are suffering from AND. That and you saying that you think you are depressed of course . . . (Sherlock Holmes, me).

What I mean is that I get a strong sense, from what you write, that these feelings are not normal for you.

I would suggest you confide in your GP or even midwife if she has mentioned any anti-ante-natal depression measures in place in your area. We have a scheme where I live, so I knew a) that ante-natal depression existed and b) there were people who could help when I was pg last time: I was feeling very irrational, weepy and scared, and I was totally bewildered by it. I got brilliant help.

Just want to join the chorus of "doesn't really sound like your marriage is doomed"

You're having a hard pregnancy, you have a small child, he works very long hours, so you are both exhausted and stressed.

Why don't you sleep in the same bed? And what's with the lack of affection? Did it just gradually seep away? Do you think if you made the effort you could get it back?

Sometimes even when you're not getting on and everything is fraught a little squeeze of the hand or a cuddle before going to sleep can remind you both that you're in it together.

Can I ask why he's working such long hours, I.e. Does he have to or is he avoiding home?

MrsTittlemouse would I want what I had before I had ds? Hmm honestly not sure on that one. I often feel like I settled for second best (clock ticking and all that). I guess my memory's hazy - I know I was in 'lust' with him but was I ever really in love with him? Maybe I'm a lesbian...

BalloonSlayer I will mention this to gp soon. I don't want to take any more pills - am already on strong pain killers for sciatica and diazepam for not sleeping. I do think I'm depressed though, and perhaps have been for a long time.

Deeblindmice We started not sleeping in the same bed when I first got morning sickness. I'm getting up to wee a lot and often don't get back to sleep for an hour or two so I'm very restless. He snores.. it just made sense to go in separate beds. Again, the lack of affection began with morning sickness - didn't want him anywhere near me. I'm still feeling sick now at almost 6 months. I think he doesn't fancy me either - I've put on a lot of weight.

Altagloria He's always worked long hours - it's the nature of his job. He does try to leave as early as possible but with a long commute I'm always in bed before he gets home.

You're in bed at 9pm??

Can't you go to bed later so you can have dinner and a chat together?