honest advice needed - what to do about my father and extended family

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I honestly do not know what to do and would appreciate any honest advice.
Ill try to keep it short
basically myself,my sister and my brother have been ignored by our stepmother for 2 years. She has told lies and turned extended family on my dads side againist us. My dad apparently knows is all wrong and has been trying to sort it out. Brother and sister cut contact ages ago. Ive tried and tried and tried. He has arranged meetings with me and her, she always cancelled at the last min, ive heard terrible lies shes made up. Her family have called me and screamed at me and ive been snubbed if ive seen them in the shops and said hello. We are not allowed in his house, or even to call when he is at home. Eventually after 18 months of it all i gave up and cut contact. I tried my hardest. Today he has phoned and he wants to be back in our lifes, will i speak to the others? He said we can start to build up a relationship. But i told him idont see how we can, when the very thing which has caused the problem is not going to change. The stepmother has told him she wants nothing to do with us, i cant see why we should let him inot our lives, but not be let into his. he said he just wants to visit us and eventually he is hoping she will see that we wont go away and will have to lump it......... its just stupid.. thats no basis of a relationship. He says all the right words, but after this going on for 2 years i know they mean nothing. He said he tehn hopes extended family will come into it again. Hes said he told them all its all lies, but noone of them have ever appologised for their behavior towards us. The only person who has contact with him is my other sister.. i have nothing to do with her either for various reasons but mostly i got sicka nd tired of her and how she was. She recently had a baby so i sent a gift and tried to find out how she was and it all goes wrong and the name calling starts then she wants to know where i live ( dont want her to know, last year she was threatening to stab me). I feel like if i start contact with him it will all come and i just cant deal with it all anymore.
Ive recently split up with my husband and moved back into the area,, im in a new job and new house and dont really know anyone. Im not sure i have got the strenght or inclination to try again. But then hes my dad... and that makes it so hard.
As i said, any advice welcome as i really really dont know what to do.

Hiya, I've put this into paragraphs for you as it is quite hard to read. Will reply in my next post.

I honestly do not know what to do and would appreciate any honest advice. Ill try to keep it short.

Basically myself,my sister and my brother have been ignored by our stepmother for 2 years. She has told lies and turned extended family on my dads side against us. My dad apparently knows is all wrong and has been trying to sort it out. Brother and sister cut contact ages ago.

Ive tried and tried and tried. He has arranged meetings with me and her, she always cancelled at the last min, ive heard terrible lies shes made up. Her family have called me and screamed at me and ive been snubbed if ive seen them in the shops and said hello. We are not allowed in his house, or even to call when he is at home. Eventually after 18 months of it all i gave up and cut contact. I tried my hardest.

Today he has phoned and he wants to be back in our lifes, will i speak to the others? He said we can start to build up a relationship. But i told him i dont see how we can, when the very thing which has caused the problem is not going to change.

The stepmother has told him she wants nothing to do with us, i cant see why we should let him into our lives, but not be let into his. He said he just wants to visit us and eventually he is hoping she will see that we wont go away and will have to lump it......... its just stupid.. thats no basis of a relationship.

He says all the right words, but after this going on for 2 years i know they mean nothing. He said he then hopes extended family will come into it again. Hes said he told them all its all lies, but none of them have ever apologised for their behavior towards us. The only person who has contact with him is my other sister.. i have nothing to do with her either for various reasons but mostly i got sick and tired of her and how she was.

She recently had a baby so i sent a gift and tried to find out how she was and it all goes wrong and the name calling starts then she wants to know where i live (don't want her to know, last year she was threatening to stab me). I feel like if i start contact with him it will all come and i just cant deal with it all anymore.

Ive recently split up with my husband and moved back into the area, im in a new job and new house and dont really know anyone. Im not sure i have got the strength or inclination to try again. But then hes my dad... and that makes it so hard.

As i said, any advice welcome as i really really dont know what to do.

I think the person to sort this out is your Dad.

I do feel for you and think you havebeen very patient and tired hard, but now it's up to him.
Your SM is HIS wife- and he needs to sort her out, if you are to be in contact again. I wonder if he knew she was so "anti-family" when they first got together? IMO when you marry into a family, you take on the family as well- not just the H or W.

I think you have 2 options.

I would say to him that you will be in contact with him, IF he can ensure that she willa ccpet you and start afresh as a proper family. That might give him some incentive tot alk to her- she sounds dreadful though, and I suppose you have to ask if you really do want her in your life at all anyway.

If not, then seeing your dad on his terms, on neutral territory, might be your only option.

Overall, it is not just YOUR problem it is a familyproblem and he sounds as if he can't/won't stand up to her. he needs to sort out his marriage, which is the real issue here.

I think you should concentrate on your father and think of the relationship you would like to have with him. Neither you or him can change how the stepmother will act towards you. You can't stop her lies either.

I know you have had troubles but if at this moment your father is going over and above her head then you should see that this is probably quite hard for him to do as he will probably run into a lot of arguments with her about it.

You have to start somewhere and this could be a start for you. No family is perfect and sometimes you have to accept less than you want in order to be happier. The famous song "10% of something....beats 100% of nothing at all."

It is up to you what you want to do, start slowly, take one day at a time and see how it goes. Don't give too much at once, do it little by little if you decide to give it a bash and forget everyone else at the moment, just think about the thing with your dad and can you have some sort of relationship with him given time. Once you have him on your side, things with the others could be much easier?

thanks for paragraphying that for me holy... i just wrote it as i was thinking.....

It will cause arguments for him to see us as she doesnt like him being out of the house when hes not working.

Im just so wary of being hurt again, everytime ive tried to do as he asks its always backfried and then in anger he blames the whole thing on me then waits months to appolgise.

How - no he did not know what she was like, we all have been telling him for years and yers prior to this but he didnt want to listen to it.

Im so angry at how we have been totally pushed aside, they still have family gatherings etc... and its just like we never existed and im angry that everyone has accepted the situation and is quite happy to go along with it.

I can see that some sort of relatioship might be better than nothing, but then i sort of feel whats the point as its never going to go any further because of her.

Maybe you need to have a really frank chat with him and tell him that you are worried about repeated performances from the past. Also, that you are worried step mums position is going to again jeapordise your chance of a relationship, that you can't take the arguing and stress that comes with it? Tell him all of the reasons that make you feel wary. He has to stand up to step mum but he can't make her accept you. It is a very horrible thing for her to make him choose between you and her, what a venomous witch!

Only you can decide what your limits are and what you are prepared to accept.

Could he say to step mum "look, whether you like it or not, this is my daughter and if you are any kind of decent person, you will allow me to try and have some sort of relationship with her?"

been there and done that, maybe 50 or so times.
It just goes round and round in circles.
If i give it a go for a while it never takes long to come to a head and all come crashing down again. I think thats because, basically the real problem isnt being addressed.... its just sorting the symptoms, but that can only last so long.
Apparently she totally refuses to have any of our names mentioned at all and will not even talk about it. As far as she is concerened we dont exist.
How he can be with someone like that is beyhond me, he says it shouldnt come into it.. but it does.
I want to have a relationship with him, but dont see how i can really. Have been through so much pain caused by him and his inability to do anything about it all and acceptance of it all that its very difficult to see past that.

I think you have to accept that your father loves you and your father loves your stepmother but that you and your stepmother don't have a relationship.
You can't change your stepmother and I think telling your dad you'll only see him if he leaves his wife (which is in effect what you are saying as she is not going to change) is unreasonable.
Why is him visiting you such a bad idea? I think it's good that he is willing to see you without her and acknowledge she has a problem with you.
You can't change the past but I don't see how rejecting your dad is going to help the future.
If you love your dad see him. Yes it may all go pear shaped, but if you try rebuilding your relationship and don't mention his wife at all in the first couple of meetings then you may be able to rebuild things.