No idea what to do

[undermilkwood]

Hello - I'm new to mumsnet. I am 32 and in a relationship with a 43 year old. I moved into his house a year ago and we've been together about 2 1/2 years. I have no children, he has a 17 & 18 year old from a previous relationship, who both lve with their mum (it broke up 10 years ag - nothing to do with me). He's never been keen on the idea of more children with me, which didn't seem to bother me too much until now. But a friend has recently become pregnant, which has made me think more about this. I am now going through a mini crisis, wondering if I should be with this man. He's quite unemotional and finds it hard to see my point of view. I also find it hard living in his space, as I have no refuge and he seems to make social plans without consulting me...

Any advice about what I should do greatly appreciated...

I was in this situation for years. In the end i ve left him for this reason. And i am so glad i did i have 2 fab dc' s. I was in late 30' s so by staying so long with my ex i have risked never to be a mother. I would say talk to him again and even give him some time -but not few years- and if he still doesnt want then leave him. Sorry to be so cynical but i think it is a very big compromise and you risk going into your 40s and 50s with regrets and bitterness. I am all about compromising in relatioships but to compromise motherhood it is i think too much and you ll regret it later

Laquitar - thanks for this. It's good to know things worked out so well for you and that there are other options! I think I will plan a deadline of when I would want children by... and let him know, in a nice way. Is this too pushy? I'd rather have him and no baby thanhis baby and no him, so i don't want to put him off....

undermilkwood, forgive me if I'm way off the mark here, but it seems to me that motherhood is only part of the issue here. I am rather worried by the comment "I also find it hard living in his space, as I have no refuge". If you are living together, it is now your joint house. If you are still seeing it very much as his house, your relationship has problems other than whether or not you agree on becoming parents. You need to ask yourself whether it's because of your own insecurity or whether it's due to him making you feel that it's his house and you're staying there on his 'generosity'. Given that you've also said he makes plans without consulting you, I'm building up an image of a man who's at best a bit selfish and thoughtless, and at worst full of his own self-importance and convinced that his needs come before yours. I could be way off, of course, but please have a long hard think about each of your roles in this relationship and where it is going even without kids. IMO, unless you are convinced you have a long, happy, mutually respectful relationship ahead of you, don't even consider having kids with this man. Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh. I don't mean it to.

I see OptimistS has beat me to it, I was just about to post pretty much the exact thing.

I think you need to do some long hard tihnking about whether this is the right relationship for you, long term. You only get one life, and the worst thing would be to get to 65 without having children and then resenting him and blaming him for this, or feeling like you didn't get to live your life the way you would have liked. If you are living with the person you love you shouldn't feel like you need a refuge from them. It should be your space as much as his.

optimis, I think there's something in what you've said.... I have thought this myself as well. It's an odd situation - I feel very settled in the house, yet, it's a place where people constantly pop around. Whilst that's nice, I like my own space too and got quite wound up at the weekend, when a load of his male 'mates' dropped around without much notice. Bank holidays are particularly bad for this - I think they still see him as a bit of a batchelor, he lived on his own quite a bit before me (interspersed whith a few girlfriends that didn't work out).

I guess I'm a bit of a chicken and like the security of living here. Also, when it'a good, it's great and we have fun together, but I do feel that there's something missing somewhere from him (emotions perhaps!) I can't get clear answer from him about what he wants, I'm not sure he knows. He's going on a boat trip for two months soon (I encouraged him to get a sabbatical from work) so this will give me time to think....

Ahhh, life!

i second what optimists says. and when you've got kids, relationship problems get magnified. if you get round to having kids before it's too late! he could drag on, and before you know it you're finding it hard to conceive. he's unemotional, so he doesn't get your needs. it does sound like you're a lodger in his house.

please don't make the mistake that you hope he'll change his mind and want more kids. if he's being upfront about this, you really must accept his decision and move on to find someone who does.

please don't settle for what's comfortable. take a risk and move out, or see how you feel while he goes on this 2 month trip. but i think you need to address ALL the relationship niggles before you get tied to this man forever through kids, or find that you've wasted your fertile years waiting for him to change his mind.

UMW, I was in a very similar relationship between age 28-30 and with a man 15 years older than me.

He was very uncompromising. Always planned social life without consulting me, but expected me to take part in it. Refused to socialise with my friends, and would throw a fit if I didn't want to go to stay with his friends every weekend.

He often had friends to stay without warning me, and without telling them that I actually lived there, so I ended up feeling pushed aside in my own home.

He was also very controlling - throwing huge tantrums if I didn't wear the clothes he wanted me to wear and other similar stuff.

He could also be incredibly cruel, often haranguing me for the most trivial things late into the night (such as why did I insist on wearing black trousers?)

I really felt like the latest in a long line of girlfriends who he saw as performing some sort of function in his life, for his benefit. And if I didn't come up to scratch, he felt entitled to punish me.

I ended up very depressed and eventually tried to harm myself.

Please don't let this man grind you down. Find someone else.

I met my DH soon after I finally left this man, and I now have a wonderful relationship with a man who sees me as a partner and adores me (and who is a year younger than me!). If I hadn't ended that horrible relationship, I would never have had that chance.

undermilkwood This is a relatively new relationship and he is "unemotional and finds it hard to see your point of view". I'm sorry, warning bells are ringing ......

I guess the risk is that I leave and don't find anyone I'm as attracted to as him, I'll be 33 on my next birthday - so if I met someone new i couldnt just have babies with them right away eaither - would have to give it at least a couple of years.... so if I met someone new after a year... that takes me to 36.... (does calculations in head). Didn't think I'd suddenly get so serious about things in my 30s!

You are still very young. I didn't meet my DH until I was 33. Had DS at 35, then got married. I would have waited longer for the right person, about half my friends with children met their partners in mid thirties.

Well, you will have more chances to meet someone and have children if you leave the 'Mr unemotional' and be single and available

I agree with the "warning bells" advice. I think what you are doing is rationalizing away your common sense. It is a mechanism to find a perspective that works for you, but it also dismisses the truth.

If you did have a child with this man, do you really think he'd actively participate in baby care? I get the feeling it'd be entirely up to you. This swings back to the definition of "partner". I don't mean to be rude, but from what you wrote, it seems like you are nothing more than a "convenience" for him .

I agree with warthog. He was truthful with you. To trick him, or otherwise force him to have another child when he clearly doesn't want one, would be a mistake.

Tattycoram and Laquitar make good points.

For what it's worth: my last baby was born when I was 46. Keep yourself healthy and you will have a lot longer than you think to have a baby.