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Relationships

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Original poster

DH does not want any more children

18 replies

supadoula · 03/05/2009 23:46

We have 2 DD,6 and DS,4.
I had a M/C last year and there is not one day that goes by without me thinking of having another baby.
I don't understand why he doesn't want another one and feel dejected, rejected and very angry.
It makes it very difficult for me to get on with normal life with the children. I feel I am just stuck.
We started counselling but it does not seem to help at all so far so any piece of advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 03/05/2009 23:55

How old are you?

I just wondered, because although he may not want any more ATM, in a year or two, he may feel differently.

If you cannot agree at this point in your lives, maybe you can agree not to make a final decision, and the talk about it again in a year or so.

It would be very sad to let this spoil your relationship with your children. They need your time, attention and love NOW.

I am sorry that you feel so sad and angry, but please, don't take it out on your children.

3littlefrogs · 03/05/2009 23:57

Sorry, I should have said, I too have suffered M/C, and I understand the pain and the grief.

Do you think maybe your DH is frightened to embark on another pregnancy?

3littlefrogs · 04/05/2009 00:01

I have to go now, but will check back tomorrow.

Original poster

supadoula · 04/05/2009 00:05

Hi 3littlefrogs. Thank you for your posts. I am 38 and feel time is counted. I had blood tests last month and my progesterone levels are low.
So this makes it even more difficult to conceive.
I know my desire for another child is obsessional. I think about it all the time and when I am angry at my DH, my children feel it and know it.
I feel it is very hard to keep going emotionally, to raise happy children when hope has been denied for me.

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 04/05/2009 10:26

I wonder if your obsessional desire for another child is because you are stuck in the grieving process? Bereavement counselling, for you, on your own, might help you to come to terms with your loss.

I lost my first pregnancy - It was 25 years ago, and I still think about the child I lost.

My other children cannot, and have not replaced the child I lost. I have had to accept that, and I love them for the people they are. Does that make sense?

My dh was really fearful of "trying again" because he couldn't bear to see me go through another miscarriage. It was 4 years after the M/C that I had my son.

It took us both that long to get through it in our different ways.

I just worry that your children are suffering the loss of your love and attention, and they need you. You will never get these years back again.

Please carry on with the counselling to help you accept your loss. But don't look upon it as a way of "making" your DH agree to having another child.

Pitchounette · 04/05/2009 11:29

Message withdrawn

Pitchounette · 04/05/2009 11:29

Message withdrawn

Original poster

supadoula · 04/05/2009 11:48

Hi Pitchounette (tu es francaise?) and 3littlefrogs.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm afraid I can't accept yet that we are both right. I am so desperate to be pregnant again and yes, my children are suffering although I am trying very hard for them to be happy, I feel so sad inside all the time.
We are going to couple counselling and I have been on a waiting list for counselling at my GP's surgery for months now....
Maybe I am depressed

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 04/05/2009 11:50

TBH you do sound depressed to me (not an expert, but do have some experience). There is no shame in that. Go back to your GP and ask for help now.

Take this thread with you if you think it might help.

3littlefrogs · 04/05/2009 11:52

Have you considered a miscarriage support group?

Original poster

supadoula · 04/05/2009 12:07

I have a good network of friends and I talked a lot to them after the miscarriage. They were excellent support.
I don't know if popping a pill will improve the fact that he does not want to have another child with me...
I feel like there are things I can do on my side but it will not change the whole situation as it has to come from him.
I don't think DH is afraid to embark on a new pregnancy. He just doesn't want the aggro of sleepless nights and beby paraphernalia again and he's worried about finances, space and all rational things that I push aside!

OP posts:

Pitchounette · 04/05/2009 12:52

Message withdrawn

Original poster

supadoula · 04/05/2009 14:48

I think somewhere I miss the really small baby phase. I loved being pregnant, giving birth (both were water babes) and breastfed them for a long time.
Now, it's a different story: they play a lot together and I try and stop them bickering and feed them from time to time
my DS is probably starting reception in September and then it will definitely be the end of those early years.
I just want one more chance at cuddling, feeling a baby near me and just giving this baby as much love as I can before he/she dares growing up too quickly!

Pitchounette, how did you did it take you to accept his feelings and reconcile them with yours? What prompted it? At the moment, although I love DH very much, I can't give it up. it creates a lot of suffering for me but I just can't let it go

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 04/05/2009 15:16

supadoula - don't underestimate how much your children will continue to need you - for the next 15 to 20 years. Yes, the baby stage is special, but so is every other stage that is yet to come.

jellybeans · 04/05/2009 15:25

Hi I sympathise as after loosing my babies (4) each time I felt soo empty and desperate to be preg again, it was like a real need. I think it's hard to see that if you haven't been there. The DH will grieve too but hasn't had the physical and emotional feelings attatched to a suddenly disrupted pregnancy. We can't escape it. I went on to have another baby after each loss. It could never replace a baby but it can give new hope and joy. When my DD4 was m/c at 20 weeks, I didn't want that to be my last experience of pregnancy. I couldn't be around babies etc but now I have DS I feel i am able to move on and can handle it. Not sure what to suggest. Luckily when my DH understood my feelings he agreed we should try again, he was scared of another loss and had already carried 2 babies in coffins Good luck.

Original poster

supadoula · 04/05/2009 16:22

oh, jellybeans! This is so sad and hopeful at the same time! I'm sending you big big hugs. You were very brave to keep going and now you get the rewards!

I guess for us, my miscarriage was pretty much kept to myself as it was an empty egg and it went naturally at 13 weeks. So for DH,it wasn't as if there was a baby in there so he felt he had no need to grieve.
For me, it was more than just a case of dealing with high expectations but losing a baby (even if it really wasn't there in the first place...).

Thank you for your moving message of hope.

OP posts:

whereismumhiding · 09/05/2009 13:02

Hi supadoula
Honey you have 3 gorgeous DC. I understand
what you are feeling. The broody monster has got you. I used to say "want a baby want a baby" constantly in my head and to H, from the time my DC2 was 1 until she was 3.

We went ahead and had another baby (DC3), she was planned. But despite DH being "fully behind me" and TTC for 9 months for her, a year after she was born, he confessed he never wanted another baby, felt he was choosing between his marriage and another baby so had only gone ahead for that reason (I could never have guessed that). H left me when she was one. We are now getting divorced.

He said he didnt want this lifestyle and didnt want 3 DC. He didnt want to go through the stress of another baby and he hasnt been able to cope. He shut down instead, disengaged from all the children and me, and became a selfish workaholic. He said I changed (yes I did, I got PND as he was so unsupportive).

I am glad I have her. She was worth my marriage as clearly he wasn't the man I thought he was, he has issues as that was rather extreme thing to do and a big secret to keep. DC is however the most gorgeous little girl ever.

My point is that if you love your H, you need to wait until he is geniunely ready or not have another baby. Never say never, as friends have had babies at 43, if he changed his mind. But he's telling you honestly right now, he doesnt want one.

I am glad I dont have an opportunity to do it all again, as I have DC3 and would never be without her. I would sacrifice anything for her. But if I had known back then, what I know now about H's true feelings, I wouldnt have tried at the time for another baby.

sayithowitis · 09/05/2009 19:10

I think that you are still grieving yout loss and somewhere inside you a voice is trying to convince you that if you have a new baby, somehow it will take away the hurt you are feeling. It won't.

We lost 3 babies during pregnancy. The first two were before we had DS1 and in all honesty, it wasn't until after DS1 was born, that we began to grieve for the two we had lost. Until then, we didn't truly appreciate what we had lost IYSWIM. MC3 was between DS1 and DS2. It was hard to go for DS2 after the MC because we were both so frightened of it happening again and I never wanted to feel that level of pain and failure again. Thankfully, DS2 arrived with no complications.

Afterwards, we decided that although we had always planned to have at least 3 DC, neither of us wanted to take the chance again. And sadly, we decided to consider our family complete. It was the right decision for us.

There is a part of me that does sometimes wonder ' what if' or ' if only', but I then look at my wonderful, handsome, sons, all grown up now, and know we did the right thing. I always remember the anniversaries and am sad that we did not have the chance to meet and get to know those babies,or they, us, but I also know that none of them were ever replaced by DS1 and 2.

I feel for you, but really do suggest you give yourself more time and don't think your Dh doesn't feel the same grief that you do, he is probably just being strong for you, as mine did.

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