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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

playground politics...being ignored, but why???

46 replies

schmu · 02/05/2009 16:54

there's a woman at dds' school who is, on the surface, the ultimate alpha female. super confident. on the PTA. walks around like she owns the school.

i am not in her circle of friends, and nor do i wish to be. however, she is on the PTA with dh and with do have friends in common.

there have been many times when she has appeared to 'look straight through' me and said good morning to my dds, or dh, on the rare occasions that we are at school gates together.

she recently totally hijacked a conversation i was having with another mum. we were chatting. she came up. ignored me totally and started chatting away to the other mum. i was too dumbfounded to speak.

i am always smiley and say hi to people i know when i pass them... she just seems to blank me.

i have to see her a lot as our dds are in neighbouring classes and it makes me feel really awkard to have someone who i feel doesnt want to acknowledge me.

i have toyed with the idea of asking if there is something i've done to offend her, but we have so little to do with each other that it would seem an odd question.

further background...we have been to drinks parties at each others houses, by virtue of the link with dh, so i do find it odd that she doesnt acknowledge me.

in case anyone is wondering, dh is def not having an affair with her -lol! she is just a tricky character. i know she ignores some other people.( i have chatted to a mutual friend about this, which is how i know)

if i say something, i could just end up feeling more uncomfortable. any advice?

OP posts:

junglist1 · 03/05/2009 08:30

Don't let this bother you at all! I bet she's a bundle of nerves underneath, and if she sees you as someone who wants to know her, she could be power tripping by ignoring you, in a bullying twat kind of way. Ignore her right back, don't even look at her, even if you go to her house again. And when she comes to a party at yours, be the star of the show, like in a ferrero rocher advert or something. And offer her tap water to drink.

tiggerlovestobounce · 03/05/2009 08:39

She sounds like she could just be a bit 'busy' IYSWIM, maybe a little insensitive. You say that at least one time she hadnt seen you, does she have poor eyesight? I know someone like that, he will ignore people, but thats because if you are more than a few feet from him he cant see you.

Ballina · 03/05/2009 08:45

schmu, she might just fancy your DH. I would ignore her pettyness. If she hijacks a convo again, pull a 'did you just see that' face with the other person you are talking with, along with a wink and a cheeky smile.

parsley3 · 03/05/2009 17:31

There is one like this at our school,who only speaks to those who are "useful" to her,(me at one point and then she started to "blank" me).I can no longer be bothered with people like this,they are rude and not worth worrying yourself over.Also,those who once flocked around and fawned over her now see the true person.The saying "What goes around...." comes to mind.

ABetaDad · 03/05/2009 17:51

parsley3 - I read to the end of the thread and came to exactly the same conclusion as you.

schmu - what you have to realise about Alphamale and Alphafemale types (I have worked with many) is they have no regard for anyone but themselves. They have no real friendships only interactions with people who can assist them in their quest for whatever little piece of power of gain they have in mind.

Do not go there. You do not need it in your life. Ignore her. One less thing to worry about. Be free.

nickschick - you are not an alpha mum. No alpha mum would have the self doubt to accept the criticism or recognise its validity. You probably just have good ideas that everyone likes. I suspect the woman who levelled the criticism as Chairwoman was one though and you were annoying her. She was putting you down in front of the group - a classic alphafemale strategy.

purpleduck · 03/05/2009 17:58

sometimes people who appear confident really aren't underneath it all

nickschick · 03/05/2009 18:22

ABetaDad...I didnt like the chairwoman anyway ...I just nodded and said that maybe we should all bring bears in dressed as 'us' and let the parents and kids guess who the bears belonged to- we suggested her bear carry 15 pens and a file.... come to think of it perhaps she really didnt like me

MrsMattie · 03/05/2009 19:57

There is a mum at DS's school who is like this. We have been introduced, I see her most days, and yet she looks right through me, never says hello to me and even looks totally blank when I occasionally catch her eye and say 'hi'. Weirdly, though, in a group conversation between parents she will catch my eye and address me in a not unfriendly manner, but when it's just us - nada. I am not an ogre, FFS!

Bloody weirdo.

Chrysanthamum · 03/05/2009 20:13

Just ignore her and chat to someone else.Let her get on with it. This is v common playground behaviour. Last year when my son was P1 I got friendly with a mum who suddenly started blanking me for no reason. I was annoyed for a while but I like being able to take my kid to school 2 days a week, so now I just talk to random people or happily day dream.
PTA members can be bizarre. My neighbour who is generally ok turns into a real arse when a school fair is on or anything else that they organise. I know lots of people get involved with schools for good reasons but a lot of parents who join commitees act like wannabes after a while. It bugs me, as the latest thing in education is supposed to be parental involvement, yet it always seems to be these alpha mum types that volunteer. They never represent the majority and if most people flock around them in the playground, they probably are a bit intimidated or secretly can't stand them.

Scarletibis · 03/05/2009 21:44

There was a mum like this at my dds school. We were also on a comittee together (separate from school) so she did know me, and yet at school she'd look through me, not acknowledge me at all. It really bugged me! She was slightly better after she'd been round to my house (on comittee business) but not much.

My advice - just ignore, if you can.

onadietcokebreak · 04/05/2009 16:59

Just so I am ready for the playground politics can someone clarify what is a alphawoman please!

ActingNormal · 04/05/2009 17:24

I've known a woman like this and it makes me shudder a bit reading your post. They love women's husbands but are dismissive of the women. I don't think they actually like women. They target someone that they can treat in ways that makes them feel they are better than them because they want to reassure themselves of their self worth by 'proving' to themselves they are better than them. Either she feels threatened by you and jealous of you or just sees you as someone who she can do her 'ways' to and get away with it. These people make themselves seem the most 'trendy' and 'with it' and involved in everything and important to try to attract people. They treat them nicely, over-nicely often, but most of it is faked. When they don't see much use for a person for themselves any more they can just drop them without feeling anything. She might look popular but in reality she might not actually be close to many people at all because she distrusts them too much and treats them selfishly and manipulatively. Something must have happened to really dent their self esteem in the past but treating other people badly in order to feel better is wrong.

I found the one I knew too clever at it to want to compete with her or confront her too much. I didn't have that sort of confidence anyway. It worked better to stop caring about her at all and put my focus on other people and have a good time with them right in front of her. She hated that.

WinkyWinkola · 04/05/2009 17:35

schmu, she might fancy your DH or she might even fancy you!

Meanwhile, just get on with your pals and enjoy them. You sound very nice.

Even if she warms up a bit, I would still keep my distance from her whilst being very polite at all time. She's clearly not someone you could rely on to be consistently friendly or warm.

What a funny woman. I'd really not let someone like that get under my skin.

I dread these playground politics stuff. I just zip in and out of my son's school and just keep my head down. It's unimportant to me to have a social life in the school playground because I feel it's reminiscent of my own school days which I didn't enjoy.

I do notice other mums flocking round the wife of a footballer though which makes me smile a bit. Blargh. Groupies. She can't seem to wait to get away from them!

nickschick · 04/05/2009 18:12

winky what footballer?

WinkyWinkola · 05/05/2009 10:05

Erm, I don't actually know his name but DH tells me he plays for Watford which I imagine isn't the world's most glittering team......

nickschick · 05/05/2009 10:14

lmao I misread that as walford and immediately thought of Billy Mitchell and Ricky Butcher .

I was holding out for Frankie Lampard being at your school .

Original poster

schmu · 07/05/2009 20:32

ah, thanks so, so much everyone. i just wanted to stop by and say thanks so much for all your kind words and sound advice.lots of you have taken the trouble to write very long and useful posts. i havent been online for a bit, so apologies for the delay in acknowledging responses next time i see this woman, i will have your wise words in mind.

i think that actingnormal and abetadad have summed her up really, re not being close to anyone and just being interested in those who serve a purpose... wise words.

OP posts:

stressa · 07/05/2009 22:17

Just something to consider - has she a degree of faceblindness? Its quite common and people can have it without realising (I did) and would explain being friendly with people in certain situations and ignoring them in others. I'm sure I came across as a cold bitch sometimes!

Original poster

schmu · 08/05/2009 10:56

interesting point, but unlikely, tbh.

OP posts:

screamingabdab · 08/05/2009 13:11

schmu - it's not you, it's her, as others have said.

Since becoming a mum I have met several people like her, and like you, I just find it so perplexing, and I want to get to the bottom of it (and even, if I'm honest, make them like me!)

I've realised that there's nothing you can do - just carry on being nice and hopefully others will see through her.

WilyWombat · 08/05/2009 13:29

LOL are you in the same playground as me...you have SO described the Mum of one of DS classmates.

She has on occasion talked to me for ages then when I walked up and spoke to her the next day...looked at me like something on the bottom of her shoe.

Having spoken to other Mums I get the impression she is a snob and whilst I am not a Waynetta I am not in the gushing middle class, manicures, fitness clubs, cleaners, aupairs brigade either.

You just have to tell yourself that someone must really be very unhappy and shallow to behave this way...and dont go out of your way to speak to her!

Im not saying on a low day when she is surrounded by the clique it doesnt get to me but I try not to brood on it!

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