am I mad to want to walk away from this....?

[thesunisout]

Im a regular, namechanger as know dh does tend to lurk about here....

My relationship with my IL's has always been hard, since dh & I married and came to ahead once dd was born.

Arguments, cross words, nasty things said to me and never any apologies. BUT somehow they came back into our "family".
If it wasn't for dh I would gladly never speak to them BUT they are his parents and I can't tell him to stop contact.

I find the whole meeting up business fake and all they are interested in are the dk's.We get guilt if we don't see them weekly and tbh its becoming a chore..well always has.Not just I BUT dh never seems to have much to say to them or about them and says his relationship is ruined with them (which indirectly I know he blames me for.)

Dh thinks im "fecking mental" (his words, not mine) and that I need ad's BUT I'm not. Im just tired of the fakeness and the sickness I feel with they spend time with my dk's.

They rarely have the dk's alone BUT when needed its never straight forward. Always some issue that they always end up doing something unneeded iykimw. As though they do things to point out to us that they have control.

I don't know what to do but im at the end. Its saddening me and tbh I would easily walk away from dh and explain my actions to my dk's when they are older.
I see no other solution. I can't ask dh to break all contact yet if I was to do so then surly thats problem solved.?

Going our seperate ways would be a huge upheaval. Mean me getting a job (sahm atm) and the dk's going to nursery BUT part of me thinks that would be a doddle compared to cringing when the il's turn up....

Can you be more specific.

Saying you feel sick when your in laws spend time with your children is quite extreme. Do you fear for the childrens safety, or believe they say bad things about you
to them?

What did you argue with them about and how long ago?

It sounds like your DH is annoyed with you.

Does he know how you feel? Does he realise that saying you are F M is not helpful?

IL's can be difficult, I often have to bite my tongue with mine, and we generally have a good relationship (lots of work on my part though.)

I'd stop using yours for any childcare unless in emergencies. I think it's fairly normal for them to be more interested in the dc's than you - although it'd be better if you could have some kind of relationship.

Do you have to be there when they come over? Can you organise it so you have your hair done, pop to the shops etc so you limit your contact with them to once or twice a month? Or can your DH take your dc's over there on his own? It would become obvious that you're avoiding them but it sounds like the atmosphere is tense and strained anyway, so maybe it's better to get it out in the open.

Surely getting rid of your IL's isn't worth more than your relationship with your DH? Do you think your dc's would really understand and accept that as a reason to break up the family? (Not judging here, just trying to put it into perspective.) I think you need to try and work with your DH to solve this, and you need to understand the awkward position he's in with it all too.

Well I don't fear for the safety as such but my fil does do stupid things with the dk's yet seems to sulk when pointed out (showing a 3 yr old to go down a slide head first..which continues when im in charge iykiwm.) OR Flipping her over by her arms (acrobatic style) so her arms nearly come out of the sockets. Just general stupid things that he see's as playing.

Just amnnoys me that I ask them to watch the dk's (when desperate) and leave instructions as what they have for lunch etc and always find out they have gone against what I asked. Giving ds chocolate when he's allergic, or giving dd chocolate when asked not to. Or today they had no reason to leave the house for the hour I was away..yet took it upon themselves to take dd for a walk.

Today I came home to the door unlocked. To which I commented "not very safe" with a 3 yr old about..."Oh quite safe" was the reply.

I just feel that instead of looking after my dk's as I do, they always feel the need to something more...I know it sounds silly.

The relationship is very strained (for me and them) and I find it awkward BUT it would be worse should dh visit them alone or if when they came I wasn't here. (Although on days when desperate they watch them as Im out)

Things were said around 3 yrs ago which were hurtful to me and uncalled for. BUT made me finally see what they thought of me. Made me see that they think more of the dk's. BUT my view is that I never got an apology and never would and how can they love and care for my dk's when they are a part of me...

I dunno,im just quite unhappy with the whole situation and maybe im not thinking clearly. Yes, I do feel that should I move on with the dk's that things would be easier.
Would mean a happier mum and not one who is disturbed for hours before/after the visit iykwim...

Easy for me to say, I know, but I think you need to be clear in your own mind what it is about their current behaviour to the dcs that you want them to change (because from what you say they are being rather careless/reckless) and then talk to your husband about this.

He may be feeling torn between you and them , and be fraustrated that you are still hurt by what happened 3 years ago. If you can give specific examples about their actions when looking after the dcs then he cant say it is just about your ill feeling towards them.

I agree with the poster who said try not to rely on them for childcare - it send mixed messages. Maybe discuss with your husband what you feel would be reasonable in terms of how often they visit and stick to it.

Just wondering what the problem was with them taking your DD for a walk? I can't tell enough from what you've posted, but wonder if perhaps you need to feel in control of everything around your DC's?

Some of the things you have listed seem like legitimate concerns (like the chocolate), but it came across (apologies if I'm off the mark) that you maybe suffer from some kind of anxiety and have to have things done in a certain way or you feel very edgy.

I can be a bit like this - I suffer from OCD, which luckily I get medication and therapy for. I have sometimes been a bit restrictive with my DH without realising it and it has been very frustrating for him.

I noticed the "fecking mental" comment. I have had "f*cking nutjob" directed towards my by my DH (he won't be calling me that again btw!!)

Sorry if I'm making too many assumptions and transferring my issues onto you - it's just the impression that I'm getting reading this.

Sounds like perhaps both you and they find problems meeting halfway?

Things is it causes probs with dh & I....

We see them atm weekly/2 weekly but the weeks we don't see them are made to feel bad.
They seem to put pressure on dh and were as I can say yes/no to my parents I always feel as though dh can't and that he doesn't like saying no. It always as though he avoids calls etc.

YET to me he makes out as though he's just as annoyed etc with them.

I don't know why I can't move on from the major argument 3 yrs ago or from the ill feelings over the last 13 yrs but I can't.

I try and not rely on them and if desperate I ask my parents BUT at times that they can';t help and I need the il's it kills me to ask them.. I honestly would rather cancel my plans.

BUT I also get pressure from dh (he works away some wkd hence help needed for appoinments). He will ask his parents before I have asked mine or put pressure on me by saying "oh your parents see more of the dk's as they are retired yet his work" BUT tbh I don't see my parents any more...these issues have made me try and cope alone instead of arguments. Mianly as it kills me to have his parents any more than needed.

BUT I know that if I said to dh what I thought he would not be happy..hence me thinking it would be easier to go seperate.

I envy people who don't talk to their il's.

TBH you sound rather controlling. Your IL are your children's grandparents and have their best interests at heart. If things are done a little differently to how you would does it REALLY hurt that much ? Why does it matter if they take your DD for a walk ?

try to imagine how you woud feel if it was YOUR DC's partner being 'controlling'...

think on--- your kids wont be small for ever and your wont be NO 1 to them forever.

work on your relationship with your husband, be honest but prepared to be flexible. Its not worth chucking it all in for this...

I think you have to be prepared for the fact that not everyone will do things in exactly the same way as you. Also, i'm sorry but the situations you provide as evidence, personally i can't see anything wrong with.

What's wrong with a 3yr old going down a slide head first? My DD absolutely loves doing that and as long as the slide isn't too high for her where's the harm? And what's wrong with them taking the kids for a walk? Or the door being unlocked as long as they are supervised?

I hate to say this but I do think you are being completely over the top and controlling with regard to your ILs and what they do with your children, and wonder if you have other issues that you're projecting onto their relationship with you/the children?

Or a particular reason to worry about your childrens' wellbeing, because what you've posted about them seems utterly reasonable and normal.

I am overjoyed if my ILs take DD for a walk when they look after her, she loves it and so do they.

DD was going headfirst down a slide from about 18 months (OK, she's an adrenaline junkie but still!) and adores being flipped over by her arms - at 4.3 she still has them safely in her sockets!

Our door is never locked if people are in the house. DD can open it (just) but she knows she's not allowed to and doesn't.

Giving them something different for lunch (unless there are allergies involved - and I do think the chocolate thing is bad) is not the end of the world, unless they're feeding them the caviar and lobster you were saving for yourself...

Of course, if you feel they're deliberately going against you (wrt the food issue) to wind you up, then that needs to be tackled and preferably by your DH (he ought to be very concerned that his child is being given stuff he's allergic to!).

I understand why, after a big row, you're wary of them, but to not trust them thereafter with your children as you feel they'd not like them because 'they're a part of me' is presuming an awful lot and seems to me a little paranoid? I'm 99% certain that both sets of GPs in our family see DD as 'their' grandchild and very little to do with me or DH!

It just seems such an overreaction on your part to think that the easiest way out of this situation is to divorce your husband. In fact I'm wondering if (and forgive me if I'm talking out of my arse, I usually am) you're not depressed, as these sort of things (divorce, walking out) seem like fantastic solutions when you're so far into your own problems that it all seems insurmountable.

Perhaps if you talked to someone else (friends, family, perhaps your GP) about these feelings, you could get some distance and look at things in perspective, because from your posts you come across as very het up over this situation and perhaps not able to see the wood for the trees?

Take care of yourself, because you sound pretty low. x

You have control issues and need to really step back and get things in perspective if you are willing to walk away from your children over this.

I think you'd be mad to go on!!!

Whatever about going or staying,,,, write down the worst insults that have been said about you. Consolidate them, if several are implying the same thing. Remove anything that might be true. Whatever is left, present it to your husband and say "your parents have made it clear that they think this of me, they won't apologise, and yet they're still in the thick of my family!".

If you love your husband then it's worth waiting to see if he will extract an apology from them. I hated my x's parents too. Mind you, the full extent of their their hatred didn't come into sharp focus until I actually left their precious son. However, I never liked or trusted them. I had always been polite and friendly though. I faked liking them. NObody could have said I had the wrong attitude.

LIke you, I think, I didn't know if I had the emotional and financial resources to shake up my life and start again. It is an emotional and practical UPHILL challenge for some while. But after the initial difficulties, you will find things get so much easier, not harder.

I LOVE being in charge of my own life now. Nobody else's bad humour, awkwardness, meanness, small-mindedness, selfishness to deal with on a daily basis.

Mind you, I was sick to the back teeth of my x too. If you love your husband and just hate his parents, it's trickier. I am gladder than I could ever have imagined to be shot of my x and as much as I like refering to him as my x, I am so glad that that vile woman his mother is my xmil.

She has called me every name you can think of and feels the injured party to this day.

Thanks for the replies eveyone.
Well, I think I am depressed (I sufferd with both dk's with pnd) and I feel im going down the same route.

I do have control issues (I admit that) but there are various reasons why.
Problems with my il's make it hard for me to let go of dd and ds with them and yes it saddens me what PP said, that to my dk's I won't always me No1... I guess true BUT its hard to have that pointed out to you.

Prior to dd dh & I suffered x2 mc's and it took us around 3 yrs to finally get dd.

Im also a sahm so always been the only carer of dd and ds (until dd started preschool x2 days a week last yr).

I also have things going on atm that are adding to stress for me...my sister has just moved away (about 8 hours drive) and dd starts school this sept. Various changes that I can't control. Maybe thats not helping.?

No idea what to do from here otehr than go to the gp BUT I so don't want medication etc...

Thanks for the advice x

Oh, darling ((((hug)))) - sorry, I've come over all netmums, but I couldn't let that go without a response.

I think I can understand why you're feeling the way you do, especially as you've had such a hard time to get your lovely dcs (took us 10 yrs and 2 x IVFs to have DD), of course they're very precious to you and the idea of someone whom you think might not be 100% as caring or concerned for them as you are looking after them is distressing.

However... I have felt this way when I was in the throes of PND and have also felt a similar out-of-controlness (and extreme anxiety because I felt that I wasn't in control of things and ought to be) just before Christmas, when I was diagnosed with depression.

I am currently on ADs, I never wanted them and was quite resistant to the idea but I knew I couldn't carry on bursting into tears all the time...

I have to say they have made one hell of a difference to my disposition and I can enjoy DD without constantly feeling on edge about her (which was symptomatic of my own depression), like I normally do.

Not suggesting you have to go down that route - there is counselling, if you get a good one (I did for my PND, it just helped having that involved but independent ear to sound things off, that made me realise ok, I wasn't mental, but at the same time I might possibly be seeing problems where there weren't any, iyswim?) and your GP is the first stop to a referral. I believe you're entitled to 6 sessions on the NHS, if they decide you need more they will let you have more for free (although this may depend on your LHA - don't take my word for it!).

I'm currently waiting to see the same lady I saw last time as she was brilliant, but she's got a waiting list (aargh!).

With everything you've got going on in your life, I'm not surprised you're feeling this way, but do take one day at a time and try not to jump into any rash decisions.

I would suggest you need to sort out your feelings about your ILs (which sound like they've been festering since that row 3 years ago) and perhaps try and separate them (difficult, I know!) from your feelings about your DH and whether or not to stay with him.

Again, be kind to yourself. You sound like you've got such a lot on your plate, do make time for yourself in all this.

FB,what a lovely post .
Thankyou very much.

Last time (when expecting ds) I didn't take ad's but got counselling privatly and I agree it helped. Although atm they way im thinking, I think...hmm..did they actually help IYKWIM.

I did end up on ad's after having ds but only once he was about 7 months old (ds was born with a life threatening condition so needed several op's and the days seemed to be one long hospital stay)..I went on them as I felt like I was in "treacle" each day..

I guess looking back at what I have writen I have had lots thrown at me...

Not sure what to do. Think I will seek counseling...I know ad's will and do help BUT the 1st weeks worry me. Feeling sick, tired,not thereness..

Thanks again x

Hi thesunisout

Thanks for posting because I have been feeling almost exactly the same as you in the past few months (if not years) of my relationship. I think I also feel like everything would be much easier if I just got out of my relationship as it would mean getting rid of the ILs too. Some days I feel like I am completely unloved by anyone in OH's life including his own but then I remember that last week I loved him so much that I was thinking "how can I think about leaving him!!! I am so glad I didnt act on my feelings..." then the next thing I want to run away again.

The thing is, I think I must be depressed too but am terrified of going to GP and getting put on meds in case I get bad side effects and can't look after DS properly. I've never been on ads before but I worry about all the horror stories you read (as usual, there are probably people who do great on ads but you never hear about it).

Also, if you were to walk out, your X and xILs would still have rights and probably get your kids all to themselves for some days a week or whatever and you wouldn't have any input since you wouldn't be part of the family any more. I worry about that too. I worry that even if I do walk away, will OH try to get full custody and then when they have DS will they be poisoning his mind against me etc etc. I really think my problem is I need some help and I will really have to go to GP.

Sorry to barge in on your post there, but I just wanted to thank you for being brave and putting your feelings out there as it is not easy and some of the replies you have been given have really helped me too.

I hope you find your solution

Do you live with your in-laws? (Sorry if you have mentioned this specifically, but I wasn't sure). It sounds as though your lives are totally embroiled, anyway, with them taking control and doing things you're not happy with.

The problem here is mixed messages. You are reacting very strongly against your in-laws, yet at the same time, depending on them and even using them to look after your children when you are 'desperate' (your words).

You MUST get away from this situation. It seems like the only chance of ever allowing this relationship to be repaired. Yes, it may mean changes such as you getting a job and putting your children in nursery, but as you say, that's not a big deal compared to the emotional trauma you ALL seem to be suffering. At the moment you are unhappy, your partner is unhappy, and it's hard to see how your children and the in-laws can be anything other than unhappy. For all your sakes you need to take that step towards living an independent life, and then there may be a chance with time that you can establish a better relationship

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