Tricky situation WWYD?

[TitsalinaBumsquash]

DP has not been in contsct with his mother for 2 1/2 years, she has never met our youngest DS and neither part has made any efforet to resume contact, this on dp's part is due to a childhood of abuse in different degrees and then one minor incident completley unrelated which was tha last straw for him.

He has teenage sibling and brother and a sister age 14 and 13.

We speak to sibling on FB occasionally we are unawar of what MIL has told them, DP has always remained pleasnat to his bro and sis and wants to stay in thier lives.

They have invited us to a BBQ next monday and obviously it will be at MIL's house, DP doesn't want to let his brother and sister down but doesn't want to see MIL. I have said i will support which ever decision he makes but have suggested that if he decideds not to go it might be a nice idea to take his bro and sister out for the day somewhere but we would somehow have to make it clear that MIL was not invited.

WWYD?

Do excuse the appaling typing i have 'helper' (DS2) on my knee.

Is a meeting with MIL totally out of the question? Could this not be the time to work on or forget what happened in the past, and start anew? Perhaps for your DCs sake and the sake of his siblings

I think a meeting to bury the hatchet is out of the question yes, dp was very controlled by MIL she used a lot of emotional blackmail to sort of keep him moving out or doing his own thing, i think he fears if she were back in our lives it would hard to not go back to the way it was with her. He has had a lot of councelling and has made a huge desicion to cut her out of his life it would be very hard to go back on that.

I personally wouldn't want her to much in the DC's life as i don't think she is particuarly stable enough to be around them alot - dp feels the same.

I can relate to this a little bit. I have no relationship with my mother and never will, similar circumstances to your DH. My parents are divorced and I do talk to my dad. My dad and step mum had a son (my brother, he is 12).

Anyway, when it comes to family get togethers, mostly I just can't go because members of my family will be there who I don't wish to see (mother, sister, aunts, cousins etc). Right now, my brother has never asked me why this is, but if/when he does, I will try to explain to him in a very general way how things are as I think he is mature enough to understand a little bit of background. Plus, I think secretly he knows a bit more than he lets on, it is so easy to underestimate children.

He will know that I will always see him and want to be there for him forever....but....I can only do that outside of the rest of the family. So if I were your DH, I'd maybe first decide if they are old enough to talk to....and then think of a way of talking to them that is not going to upset MIL or cause further grief, taking sides or upset the apple cart. They don't need to know 'details' but maybe that your DH is in a situation where he prefers to keep a distance, just be VERY careful not to say something that can be construed as causing trouble. I know a lot of people will disagree with what I am saying but that's s what I would do. Everyone is different and I'm not saying my way is right for everyone.

It is a really tough situation that I can totally sympathise with.

I think we are leaning towards going and being polite to MIL but not getting into any deep convos and having the obvious option to leave if need be with a get out clause. DP will also suggest while were ther that maybe BIL and SIL would like to spean a weekend with us in the not to distant future to speand some quality time together. I think he is gettig the guts up to catually pick up the phone and call MIL to arrange coming to BBQ. Eek!

As long as he keeps in control of the situation, and of the relationship, this may be a good thing. It might give him some "healing" as such, if he keeps the relationship at his own distance and on his terms.

I think the idea of being civil, and extending a weekend invitation to the siblings is a good idea.

Thats what im worried about him keeping the relationship on his terms, MIL can be very minipulative (sp?) and i don't want to see dp plummet down where he was when he has worked so hard to sort his head out and make sense of things in his own mind. We wont take the children as MIL is likely to do a 'Oh darling come to your nanny!' sort of thing and our DC's don't know about her, it will also give us the get out clause of 'we must go DC'sneed picking up ect' if things get to hard for dp.

Luckily his grandparents will be there, dp is very close to them as he lived with them for a long time as a child.

Very good idea to go without the children!

All i can suggest is to be his rock, support him and keep his resolve strong against his mother.