People will laugh at my choice of partner

[JakesMumz]

I have been seeing someone for the past few months. I have told nobody. I have also asked him to tell nobody as I am a very private person. This is true ... but another reason is that I'm worrying what people will think.

He's a lovely person but does act a bit odd. I can look past that but I know other people won't and they will wonder why I'm with him.

This week I decided it was ridiculous carrying on the way I was and I told myself I didn't care what people think. Then last night a friend said to me "where's that wierd bloke you were with last week?" and it just put me back down again because it confirms that people do think badly of him and it wasn't just me being paranoid.

Why do I care what people think and how do I stop?

[plantsitter]

When you're 80, will you think, 'I wish I hadn't married you, you stand funny' or 'I wish I hadn't dumped that lovely man whose only flaw was standing funny. Yes, Tiddles, I do?'

[TotalChaos]

agree with Hecate. you don't sound that into him. and he deserves someone who doesn't find him an embarassment.

[squeaver]

Maybe he acts a bit weirdly because he's nervous about being with you. Do you think he likes you more than you like him?

I agree with Hecate - I think you need to think about what your reasons are for being with this man and if a relationship with him is really what you want.

[jeminthecity]

Perhaps you should ask yourself why other peoples opinions matter more than what YOU think about him?

And that's not meant in a horrible way, but why not trust yourself, your own feelings and thoughts, why do the opinions of others matter more, sort of thing, because that's not fair- YOU are able to form an opinion all by yourself, iyswim.

I think its caled having a wea interna frame of reference.

And I should know, I have one too, just needed to recognise it at some point!

[jeminthecity]

weak internal frame of reference I mean. OOps

And I may have misjudged the thread...again... sorry

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

of course, being made to feel you are something to be ashamed of (kept a secret) isn't going to fill you with confidence, is it?

Unless he is very stupid, he's not going to buy "don't tell anyone about us, I'm a very private person." is he? Come on now.

[peachyfox]

Go on to your friends about how amazing he is in bed and how huge his knob is and how you've never had it so good.

They will then look at him differently.

[peachyfox]

i don't mean to be flippant, but your friends will very swiftly pick up on what you think about him, and if you're not convinced, they won't have much respect for him.

But it would be awful to feel the person you were with was ashamed of you so you'll have to go one way or the other.

I found it very hard to meet the right man - if you really like him don't let anything stop you seeing what happens.

Much as I am fond of many of my friends' boyfriends' I wouldn't have wanted to go out with any of them.

[DuffyFluckling]

When you are first dating someone you think they are GREAT. If you don't think they are great, do both of you a favour and move on.

[jeminthecity]

eXACTLY PEACHY- YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH THEM, BUT YOUR FRIENDS DID.
Sorry, caps, wasn't shouting.

That was my point....

[JakesMumz]

I do like him, alot. I've never gone for 'popular types' and the Brad Pitts of the world do nothing for me at all. So my choice of men has always been 'off' from most people.

I don't know why I care. I've made the situation worse by always introducing DP as "a friend" and when people have given him funny looks or taken the piss, I've been too much of a coward to stand up for him.

Therefore, it's going to be embarrassing now when they all find out I was seeing him all along. I'm going to look bloody terrible. My own fault, I know.

[Kally]

Oh don't give a shit what other people think. What do you want 'arm candy'??? everybody is weird in their own little ways - or whats weird to one is normal to another, just enjoy him and stop scrutinizing his floppy wrist and loudness. So what.

Weird is violent, or heavy drinkers who flop all over the place need physically supporting (oh no sorry, we allow for that today don't we, that is considered normal).. or guys that gawk at every female in sight with their toungue hanging out... there is so much 'real' weirdness out there today...

[browntrout]

Ok, I think that the reaction of your friends is easy to manage. If this man genuinely makes you happy and you enjoy being with him then either your friends will see that and welcome him or they will be horrible to him, in which case you can bin them as being poor quality friends.
As people have said, the most difficult part of this is your honest view of him. You have obviously resisted telling people because you feel that there is something which slightly puts you off. What is it you like about him? You say only that he's a lovely man. In what way? How does he make you feel when you are alone together? If this is a man you think you may have a future with then you are going to have to get over what you term 'weirdness' pretty quick unless you propose to spend the entire time alone at home together. If he stands in the way that you describe when you are in the house does it make you feel uncomfortable or is it only when you are looking at him through someone else's eyes (eg how your friends will perceive him).
But, I agree with a number of posters that if you feel like this at an early stage then you are going to have to resolve it or end it. It is only going to fester.
Good luck

[solidgoldSneezeLikeApig]

Yes, you are going to 'look terrible' when your friends find out that you were dating the man. Unless they are all utterly thick, self-obsessed and superficial, they are going to think you are both spineless and unkind for dating someone you are ashamed of, and not either ending the relationship or being able to stand up for your partner.

Please remember that anyone you date is a person with feelings, not a prop to make you look good - or 'interesting' - or even 'Oooh, JM is so warm and kind and giving, she actually dates all these socially inept freakoids, isn;t she noble?'

[LoveMyGirls]

Seeker.... i can see why my post sounds harsh, it wasn't meant to I was giving a short answer the long answer is........I was 19 and having a rough time when we met, I had just come out of an abusive relationship, I was being evicted from my flat, I had a 2yr old dd, he had had 1 night stand with my best friend a few months before so there were a few reasons for me wanting to keep it quiet, the first reason being because I didn't want my friend to find out because I didn't want to hurt her (even though she had got back with her ex and didn't want him anyway) but also because I didn't want my ex to find out because he would have come round and tried to beat us both up and also because I didn't want dd1 to get too attached (he had said he wasn't ready to be a dad and also wasn't over his ex) so I had lots of reasons to take it slowly but also in the back of mind I do remember worrying about what my friends thought of him because at 19 you do! I have since learnt a lot of lessons and am a different person now, I am marrying my dp in a few months time and I can't wait to be his wife, i am proud someone like him loves someone like me.

[goodnightmoon]

while i am a big fan of unconditional love, i think the OP shouldn't be made to feel terrible for having these concerns.

some quirks or tics simply are going to draw more attention than others. The OP has to decide if she can fully accept his ways, and learn to defend him against or others. (or ignore it, or whatever his method of dealing with it is.)

i don't think her concerns should just be dismissed as superficial.

[PadDad]

Exactly, goodnightmoon. These things are not superficial even if the relationship is solid.

[cornsilk]

If you like him then tell your friends that you are now together. If they continue to be unkind tell them to get a life. It'll be fine.

[rationalist]

Hey LoveMyGirls, don't know if you've seen this or heard it already, but you may just appreciate it. It's a song by Tim Minchin, and it's called Taboo