AIBU to be really upset by this? And if not, what can I do about it?

[dontwanteveryonetoknowforthis]

I'm a regular but name changed for this.

I need to give some background info. I have had a really hard 3 months. In a very brief nutshell I have been in counselling over my childhood - which can be summed up by being physically and emotionally abused by my alcoholic mother (3 months ago I wouldn't have used those words but hey, calling a spade a spade). I've been through absolute HELL - accepting that what happened was wrong and dealing with the fallout. I'm hoping that the process of doing so means I have a better ability to deal with all the inevitable hang-ups, but at the moment I'm not there. On the surface of it, to all but one friend (and this last week DH - although he knew something was "wrong" and I was in counselling), I have been carrying on life as normal etc. This has been particularly awful over the last 3 weeks or so when I've been crying about it all for the first time ever, and feeling it all, and realising how much grief I have for my paternal grandmother (who died in Dec) who was more like a mother to me. So, as you can imagine - a pretty bloody hard time. My mother no longer drinks but she is very manipulative and devious.

Anyway, it now transpires that my mother (without the permission of my father, but he seems to condone it) had my grandmother's ashes scattered by an undertaker in a crematorium. Firstly, I am furious that I wasn't informed despite my parents both knowing I wanted to be there. Secondly I'm really upset that it seems so impersonal - no one who loved her was there, just an undertaker. Thirdly, they were scattered at a crematorium NEAR ME - so if it was that they didn't have time etc (they live 100 miles away) I would have willingly done it. Fourthly, it just seems wrong that it was at the crematorium and not somewhere more personal to my grandmother. AIBU about this? Is my judgement being massively clouded because of what I've been going through? And if I'm not being unreasonable - should I say something or is it just going to result in more hurt?

That does sound very hurtful and completely disrespecful of your feelings.

BUT, even if you do make your parents see how this has hurt you (and given what you've said, that seems unlikely), what's done can't be undone. Will it make you feel better if you vent your feelings, or just upset you more?

No, you are not being unreasonable. You cared deeply for your grandmother, and the ceremony of scattering her ashes was important to you.

Moreover, your mother did not listen to your wishes about this, so no wonder you are upset.

The thing I'm wondering is, is it the right time to confront your mother about this, given that this incident is so linked with her past treatment of you. I think it might be a good idea to talk to your counsellor about this.

Secondly, I would try and find a way to have your own personal ceremony for your grandmother - plant a tree, have a star named for her, donate some money in her name to a charity (look up "Good Gifts"), write her a poem or letter and bury it somewhere she loved, sponsor a zoo animal in her name - anything that seems appropriate to her.

I wish you well xx

That's a great idea from screaming about having your own ceremony.

thank you everyone - it just hurts so much firstly that she's gone, and now even more so knowing that in reality she was the closest thing I ever had to a true mother - and it just seems so cruel that I've only just realised that after she's gone.

That's a really good idea about having my own ceremony. I think I will go to the field behind her old house and lay some of her favourite flowers there, and then have lunch at her favourite pub. It would have been her birthday on Saturday so will do it then. That seems more appropriate anyway.

I know there's no point in saying anything to my parents now really - it'll just upset me more. I guess I just need to know that I'm not being unreasonable over this and the way they've handled this is wrong.

It was either utterly thoughtless of them, or it was a deliberate attempt to hurt you. Was your mother jealous of your love for your grandmother, by any chance?
I am so sorry this has happened, but, as others have said, having your own goodbye ritual will help a lot.
Best wishes.

yes she was (and is) incredibly jealous of my relationship with my grandmother. She looked after me for the first year of my life, and also again when social services got involved when I was a young teen. She tried to cause havoc at the funeral as well. So in many ways I know if I let them know how much this has hurt me I'll be playing in to her hands and giving her the reaction she wants anyway.

I think if your parent(s) abused you (mentally and physically) then they were never conscious of you. Everything was always about from their perspective I suppose. I think that abusers have a forcefield of denial. They can't see you as anything more than a supporting role in the play about their life. They aren't going to suddenly start examining their own behaviour and they aren't going to suddenly become reasonable. If they'd been reasonable, self-examining types, they'd never abuse to begin with.

The point I'm making is that although it is very sad that you didn't get to say goodbye to your grandma the way you would have liked, you have to try and see this as just in character. It's not a new sleight. It's part of their character. The same character that explains all the old sleights. I hope you understand what I'm getting at. I wasn't abused by a parent (which is much more upsetting I'm sure) but I did for a while chalk up every new insult as though it were a shock every time.

Thank you MsMargotBeauregarde - that's really insightful. You're absolutely right - this is 100% in keeping with my mothers (and fathers to be honest) behaviour - I think it's just that it's only recently I've realised (well accepted I guess is the right word) that what my mother did to me was wrong. And this is just a perfect example.

I can't imagine how damaging it would be to have one of your own parents undermining YOU as an individual. In my case it was only a partner, now x-partner. He really cranked up the nastiness a few notches AFTER I left him though.

A counsellor said that to me. "You didn't leave him because he was a reasonable man!". It was a bit "oh yeah!". Glad that helped a tiny bit.

I can't imagine how you are feeling but I think it would be lovely to plant a tree or something similar either in your garden or a place that is special to you and your nan, so that you always have a beautiful reminder of her. Maybe a fruit tree that blossoms every spring?
My dear mum died nearly four years ago and my brother and I have been putting our "coppers" aside to put towards a bench at the cemetary where my mum's ashes are buried but I'm leaning towards the idea of planting a tree that grows forever.

Both of those ideas are lovely HB4

Hello,

I just wanted to post when I saw this, because my first post on MN was to do with the fact that my aunt did the same thing, just told the crem to go and chuck my Gran's ashes somewhere. No one was present when this happened and I was absolutely devastated, and as you describe, none of my family seemed remotely bothered about this. (Also had abusive parents.)

I did take some flowers to her (shared) garden on her birthday a couple of months after she died, and I also keep meaning to get a really nice photo of her framed so that I can light a candle for her on special occasions.

It does get slightly easier with time. My Gran died on Christmas Day two years ago - Christmas is still hard. For months and months after she died I would cry when I was by myself everyday, or every time I talked about her. I still do, if I talk about her too much, but not as much, I'm becoming more able to deal with it.

It is a truly horrible thing and I really hope you can find peace with it. I hope the counselling helps (am also on the waiting list to get help regarding my childhood too.) Wishing you all the best - I think getting help with these issues can only be a positive thing in the long run.

helsbels - I like that idea - although I'm not sure we have room for a tree! but something that blossoms every year around her birthday.

bohemianbint - thank you for sharing that with me. I too keep crying - all the flipping time, I'm getting fed up of it now. And I'm constantly worried that people won't understand because she was 'just' my grandmother - but she was so much more than that. The counselling is helping - but my god it's been hell. I've had to go through the toughest time of my life facing the past, in many ways harder than living through it in the first place. And it's only been in the last couple of weeks that I've felt at all like I might be seeing light at the end of the tunnel. Fortunately I've had an amazing therapist who has been incredible, and I've just trusted him, and trusted he knows what he's doing/saying. And the support of a wonderful friend, who's been there all hours of day and night in between sessions. Hope you get an appointment soon.

What is it about controlling people and wanting to keep funerals to themselves? It seems to be fairly common behaviour. Also happened in my family.

I found that in the latter years of my grandmothers life my parents (mother in particular) sought to undermine my views and relationship with her. Again I was particularly close to her.

It must be very hard to 'manage' (I can't use the word care in this instance) an elderly parent and I know that my parents found it stressful and a burden.

But I must admit to being shocked at their complete lack of consultation with her about her iYKWIM and when I commented on it was just put down.

What hurt me most was when my mum at the end of the funeral(I went with DS1) said to me 'thank you for coming' in this cliped tone you would reserve for a distant relative. I remember saying I am her grandaughter fgs!!

In fact have realised that my mother really tried to manage the news and relationship with her justified to herself by I would imagine 'oh citylover has moved away and I am the one here dealing with it all. She was the same with her sister who had also moved away from hometowm!!

I do think behaviour like this and of the OP s parents is borne out of jealousy and designed to hurt!!

dontwant Have a look for a rose or a clematis with an appropriate name. I imagine there are nurseries which advertise and sell online.

My mum has a clematis called "Constance", which was my grandmother's name.

Glad you have had a good experience of therapy - ialso had a great counsellor who helped me with PND and other issues.

I have a different POV about this. As far as I am concerned, the ashes are nothing. The person you loved was long gone.

My grandmother died 18 months ago and I didn't get to go to the funeral. Instead I went to the beach with my children and threw stones into the sea that she loved and thought of her. The funeral meant nothing, it wasn't important to me as it wasn't a part of the person I loved. I remember her when I see daffodils, when I look at the sea, when I see a bar of Galaxy chocolate. To me, these are the things that matter, not where her ashes ended up (in the case of my gran I think it was in the garden of remembrance at the crematorium). I don't actually think my mother went to the scattering.

I don't think you should say anything to your parents - don't give them the satisfaction.

Go to the crematorium and find where they scatter ashes and remember her as you want to remember her. Look for her in the world around you because that's where she is, not in some urn.

You're right SD - but it still hurts that I wasn't even informed it was happening - which no matter how I look at it was a deliberate act to hurt me, I'm sure. So I definitely won't be giving my mother the satisfaction of knowing she succeeed in hurting me!

She also threw a hissy fit because of various things that my Gran left to me - most notably her engagement ring. My mum (not my grandmother's daughter) believes it should have been left to her. And the fact I wear it pisses her off enormously - she says me wearing it is "macabre".

No doubt it was a deliberate act to hurt you - even if it wasn't it's still hurt you. However, if you try to see it as something that really doesn't matter then they've not truly succeeded. It may take time to realise that it means nothing, that your grandmother wasn't there, but your love and memories are elsewhere. Maybe I'm odd in being able to do this I believe that my gran and my grandmother had already gone before their ashes were dealt with, that was just the shell.

Yes you're right, I know - it's just that when she died I was ready to let go. I truly felt that - we had time to say goodbye properly and although I was sad it was different. But since then, with it triggering everything from my childhood, and then everything that I've gone through with the counselling, I feel differently - I feel like I need her. I feel like there's a whole long list of questions I need to ask her. And I know that's not possible, and I know I need to come to accept that, and I know that in time hopefully I'll be back to being at peace that's she's gone and it's got nothing to do with the ashes. But at the moment it's crap, and just yet another demonstration that my mother doesn't actually love me (that sounds so histrionic but I don't mean it like that, my therapist thinks she has a personality disorder and she's actually incapable of love, but that doesn't make the realisation of that any less painful). But we've decided on doing our own thing on Saturday, going to the places that we shared with her. So hopefully that'll help.

I hope you don't think I'm trying to belittle how you feel, I'm not, honest Have a lovely day remembering on Saturday, I'm sure it'll be bitter-sweet.

I'm a spiritualist medium and I know that your Grandmother won't care about her ashes but I don't expect you or anyone else to believe me unless you share the same view.

You've had some great advice on here and I hope it's helped.

You'll be doing right to not react to their behaviour. Be sad for them that they haven't grown in maturity like you have.

The counselling will bring out the negative but then you'll heal. You'll have all the lovely memories of your gran to think about and no guilt because you're a good person.

Have as nice a day as you can Saturday