I need perspective - please help me on this

[BasementCat]

This is my 'too-close-to-the-bone' posting name.

I have a chronic illness similar to ME, so get stupidly tired after doing almost nothing. (I'm ashamed to admit that even having dd's friends round - though we do at least twice a week - makes me even more exhausted. All visitors wear me out.)

DH was out most of Fri and Sat (work stuff) so dd and I did all the weekend chores inc. big shop on foot (I can't drive).

On Sunday, dh tells me that before he went off on Saturday morning, he had told dd not to nag me about having someone over "as it would make you cross and I'd get the fall out".

I did get cross then, because I thought it would have made more sense to tell her not to nag because it's unpleasant behaviour which won't do her any favours, but also because it feels like he's made me out to be a mean miserable bad-tempered old bag.

He doesn't see it.

Why don't you make your life easier and do the food shopping online? Then all you need to do is go for lunch with dd and pick up a few things you have forgoten/cakes?

Alot of people don't get the effects of a chronic illness. They find it difficult because it's such a slow process and it's not happening to them. There are things that you can do (such as the internet shopping) that will help you though.

Did he mean having the friend over would make you cross, not the actual nagging?

Although thats besides the point I think your right he should have just told her she couldn't have a friend over as you were tried, what age is your dd? Does she understand when you're sick?

oh dear. I can see why you're upset but I'm not sure making a big deal out of it will actually help in the long run.

I think often family members don't 'get' just how tiring and exhausting it can be with a chronic illness and so aren't as sympathetic as they could be.

Thanks for the idea fluffybunny. TBH it's not the shopping etc which is the problem - we go to local independent shops as we need to support them, the food's fresher, local and nicer etc.

The problem is that dh thinks it's OK to tell dd to behave well because otherwise I will get cross (and he will get the fall out, which is not actually true anyway.)

He just can't understand what it's like for you. I have a similar illness, it's just ds and I though, he's 10 and is understanding if I need to change plans around because I'm feeling tired or unwell. It can be hard for people you live with because they will never know how you feel.

I order the heavy stuff online (washing powder, cans of beans, cakes , bottles of juice etc), a local man who produces his own veg comes and delivers a box once a week, milk is delivered from the milkman then get all the little things locally. It's lovely to support local businesses but if it's making you ill, it's not good for you.

DD is 10 and does understand.

I made too big a deal of it, you're right. Trouble is, he does it a lot, and I really don't think it helps any of us.

He seems to think that when I don't react like a Stepford Wife - oh darling I know you promised 3 months ago but never mind it was only important to me, so don't worry - that I am being unreasonable/irrational, and not that he could have any responsibility for it. I'm not explaining very well.

I'm worried that dd is becoming the same. Taking no responsibility for her own behaviour and the effect it has on other people.

He's probably not even thinking about what he says before he says it. Lots of people absentmindedly tell children to do something or "so and so will get cross" instead of just explaining why it needs to be done. Have you pointed out to him that perhaps if he explained to DD that you're too tired to have a friend over she might be inclined to listen more and then he would be spared any fallout?

My dad used to do this. "Tidy up or your mum will get cross" instead of saying "tidy up to help mum so she doesn't have to do so much as she's not feeling well". I'm sure we would have bene more co-operative if he'd used the latter

Well, I would much rather he had said "Don't nag because it's annoying and upsets people"

I don't think I'm a mean miserable bad-tempered old bag. I do run out of patience sometimes - about once a month probably. Mostly I just fade into the background if something's upset me; it's too exhausting otherwise.

It is a relief to read that other Mums have illnesses that make them tired. I have one too and people keep asking me when I am going back to work as my youngest is going to preschool in September. I like to see me get through the medical

I agree with the others, it is very difficult for others to understand that you can get tired from just normal day to day activities. It often feels like I am regarded as pathetic by some "friends".

I have started saying "it would be helpful if...." instead of "don't..."

I agree with Overmydeadbody, that it is better to explain. When I help my boys tidy up at the end of the day I do say "isn't it nice when you get help" and they do offer to help me with washing and sweeping the floor.

My boys are almost 6 and almost 3.

I became ill when I was pregnant with dd so I have never had the opportunity to be normal with her. She has no idea what I was like and what sort of person I was. I have lost most of my personality because of this awful exhaustion.

You are all right though. I really do need to handle things differently. "It would be helpful if..." will be my new mantra.

Thank you all.