Shut down, will I improve?

[feelingpositivemum]

I have just discovered Lundy's book and it has helped explain so much about my relationship with my H.

I have completely shut down from it all now and we are polite.. except he thinks I'm having an affair and I'm thinking I wish!

The problem is now I've read the book, I can now relate everything he says to what 'stage of the cycle' we are in. So, even though it's all calm at the moment, I know that he's clocking up my errors for the next blow.

He's never really abusive, just very manipulative and quite controlling.

This has been a steady decline over years, how do I give it one last final blast? Has anyone gone from being totally shut down to reviving it, we have 4 DC so I'm hanging on to the last shreds for all its worth.

If I talk to him he just wants both of us to try harder, and he'll support me if I support him back. All very conditional it feels.

Has he read the book? Maybe if you showed it to him and he could recognise his own behaviour patterns he might try harder to change?
Have you tried Relate/Counselling?

I think if I showed him the book he would go absolutely ballistic! He would never believe that was him though I am tempted, and was wondering whether that was the only way of moving forward, either way.

We have been to counselling twice and then on our own each once. He wants to try counselling again, but on both occasions we ended up talking about my dysfunctional family (uh?) and how I should learn to live with his horrible 5%. I just feel that there is no acceptance of his manipulation or control when we are there, and he lies and says most of these things never happened. Then I feel like a nutcase.