Having problems with how I feel about DP seeing a counsellor after emotional affair -anyones DP/DH had counselling? How did you feel about it?

[candystick]

Brief background - before Xmas I discovered DP of 13 years was having an emotional affair with an ex from 20yrs ago. They hadn't met up but were phoning/texting, talking of meeting-up, what they still felt for each other etc.

Anyway I asked him to leave which he did but after a few days we talked, made-up, agreed to start again, go to Relate, he agreed to never have contact with her again etc.

Relate didn't happen (by the time we got an appt we'd moved on and seemed to working things out well between us) -on reflection this was probably a mistake and we should have gone.

Anyway last month I discovered that the OW had made contact with DP again -he said he just didn't have the heart to tell her not to contact him again as she seemed "unstable" and just listened to her (insisted not like last time, realises now that he has no feelings for her etc). Yet, as I pointed out to him, he thought nothing of lying to me by not telling me about this contact ie. doesn't want to hurt OW but is happy to hurt me

He agreed that maybe he needed to sort out the unresolved issues around her (they were ex's from 20yrs ago but she still has this hold over him) and has, off his own back, arranged to see a counsellor.

Trouble is I feel really strange about the fact that he is discussing things that basically involve us/me yet I won't know whats being discussed. I feel like my future is being decided by DP and the counsellor yet I'll know nothing about it until he maybe comes home one day and drops the bombshell "I'm leaving, I love her not you" or "this has made me realise I don't want us to be together" or something.

I just want to know all the details -I want to know why whats happened happened? I want to know if the outcome is positive and in our favour (ie. that we are going to get through this) etc but I guess its not my business as the counselling is for him to sort his head out.

BTW we haven't ruled out couples counselling its just that until he gets OW out of his system theres no point.

Any advice anyone?

sorry you are going through this hard time. I would suggest you went to couples counselling whether he has got her out of his head or not. 13yrs is a long time in a relationship and it's very easy to stall, leaving either partner vulnerable to other emotional influences. He must have strong feelings for you so try to strengthen your bond if possible. He is being unfair to hurt you in order not to upset her. That needs to be addressed.

Thanks citronella -yes I think you're right, we are going to have to go down the couples counselling route. Not sure if DP can cope with that at the same time as individual counselling though.

How did you find the counselor he is going to see? I'm not an expert, but a close relative went for counseling re his depression, and the counselor picked up on the fact that it would be much more helpful if his wife were there too, and so it turned into couples counseling for first 6 months, followed by ongoing counseling for him.
Then again, have a friend who went with her DP to couples counseling and nothing really improved for either of them, later he went to someone else on his own, and their relationship improved dramatically.
Remember that some counselors are better than others, and ask lots of questions (or get him to) including whether if they'll advise whether it could be more helpful for you to come too at some point.

I know how you feel . DH had counselling and I would worry about that. But then I reminded myself that he was going to counselling in order to improve his relationship with me. And that if it caused him to realise he shouldn't be with me (unlikely but we're all entitled to a little paranoia), then really, it's better that he knows that, that I know that and that we move on accordingly.

In a nutshell, your feelings are understandable but you need to focus on the positive - that he's trying to focus on improving things with you.

Thanks BlingDreaming -its reassuring to hear from someone who's been there (and had a touch of the paranoia!)I know deep down that you're right.

hedgiemum -he found counsellor through a reputable counselling directory website (checked out credentials) and she specialises in relationship issues. Hes only had the one sesion so far but said he felt that he could talk to her. Part of me was wondering if at some point they will want me to go too. DP did say "come too next week if you want to" but I think that was just in respone to me trying to tell him how weird it was from my POV. I would go if and when he and counsellor felt that it was for the best

I think you have to accept that what your DP says to the counsellor is confidential. (I have been to counselling and didn't even tell my DH about it- let alone recount all I had said- some of which he may have found very hurtful)

He may not want to tell you anything at all- it really is HIS space to try to sort out his feelings- and having to discuss what has been said with you too really won't help- in any case, you would never know if he was being honest with you.

I can see this from both sides- I WAS the other woman with an ex from 20 yrs back. We had an emotional affair, and are still in touch after first being together 35 yrs ago. We are now friends- I am no threat to his marriage or he mine- we have accepted that it is over, but still care for each other as friends, and our email contact is only occasional, along with the occasional phone call.

It might be that this is what can happened for your DP and his ex. I am not you, but I do feel that asking him to leave on the basis of an emotional affair was rash.

At the end of the day, he stayed with you, not his ex- so youshould try to accept that whatever happened did not break your relationship up. Sounds like he just needs to find closure to it- you need to give him the space to do that and stop asking him what he's been discussing.