Think I have made some MORE bad choices

[AlteredEgo]

Have namechanged for this but am regular.

Background: have been with partner for 10 years, since I was 19. We've never been successful, good with money,career-minded etc. TBH, in hindsight, we were very bad for each other as we've just pissed away a decade fecking about at random jobs and having fun. Except of course it wasn't always fun.
I had my daughter nearly 3 years ago and we split when she was 18 months old. Nothing had changed really, he still wasn't earning any money, had a unique attitude to helping around the house and low,low,low personal standards. I lived on my own with DD, worked PT, went back to college and just about kept it all together.
A couple of months ago we agreed to try again for DD's sake, he is great with her. Five months later and he can't get a job - again - , has no money as he pissed away all the money he earned when not with me and we're living off my income. Again. I don't love him, I don't really find him attractive (see low personal standards) and i don't know what to do. I was hoping that we could have a stab at being a "proper" family but I just don't feel like I want to. i don't really enjoy his company, other than the easy companionship you get after so long together and I often find him embarrassing (sorry, could never spell that) when we're with other people. He tends to have some very extreme views that are not backed up with facts and always finds just the wrong person to say these things too.
We're hugely bad influences on one another too. I don't smoke but within weeks of him moving back in I'm out puffing the "odd" (quite a few) of an evening. We spend too much, we're lazy and drink wine during the week. I know how petty that sounds btw, I do but it's true. For some reason I achieved 100% more when I was a single mum.

So what do I do? How can I be the Bad Mummy who chucks him out, after letting him move in,when he has nowhere to go? He literally has no money (as ever), I can't just throw him out. A huge part of me thinks I should just suck it up and get on with it for DD's sake, if nothing else I feel guilty for letting him move in, allowing her to get used to it then thinking of ending it again.
Am I feeling this way just because he doesn't have a job, is annoying me under my feet all day etc? Should I end it before DD gets any more used to having him about or give it longer to be sure? Oh, I'm so messed up.

Sorry for such a long ramble. If anyone has any help to offer, I would love to hear it. If not it's helped a bit to write it down.

Mistle, thank you. I am coming round to thinking I may have to just throw him out. We've had that conversation a million times and each time he changes. For example, he wanted to re-train as the problems with unstable work, crap pay and hours etc are to an extent a feature of his trade. But he did nothing. So I found a list of retraining places locally, did some research on funding, found a list of volunteer placements to gain experience and all but wrote the emails for him. I didn't muscle in and mummy him, that was a last resort after him doing feck all for a fortnight. I was trying to be fair, it is hard to be unemployed and have rejections. That's kind of wearing thin now.
Anyway, next he does nothing about following any of this up. So I nag him again and a week later again. He says he's done nothing because he has been thinking about career B instead. Other than screaming "thinking don't pay bills!" and commenting on the convenience that he was just about to start looking at career B on the day I reach boiling point and tackle him I let it go. This has happened twice more in the last month, careers C and D, me doing most of the running and all of the nagging.

I can't help feeling that if I was unemployed and in his position, I would be job hunting morning, noon and night. We agreed that there was no point in him taking the first thing, no matter how crap for a number of reasons so it's not that I expect him to be hounding the local sandwich factory or anything. But some positive action seems called for. I've tried to account for depression etc but there comes a point when it's just too much. Nothing gets achieved then one day a week he fills on a million online application forms for jobs that wouldn't be feasible anyway. Of course, on that day he's madly stressed, touchy and cannot help with anything else.

I don't usually agree with Anna's posts, but she is spot on on this thread! Her post of 18: 26 sums it up for me.

YOU are not crap, AlteredEgo, your DP is. He is the one expecting you to earn the money, do the childcare, sort out the house, and take responsibility for everything while he takes responsibility for nothing. It sounds to me like you have done an amazing job under difficult circumstances. He, on the other hand, is a child.

You deserve better than a man who takes you for granted and treats you like a domestic slave (copyright SolidGold). And your daughter deserves better too.

Yes, in an ideal world, DD would have two parents who love each other and live together, but in reality she had an idle dad and an angry resentful mum.

It sounds from your posts that you feel happier and more purposeful when he is not living with you. I think this tells you all you need to know. I've been there in a similar scenario, and ending the relationship felt like a huge weight lifting off my shoulders.

Sorry to be harsh AlteredEgo, but he sounds hopeless, and he is absolutely exploiting you (whether he means to or not). I am not surprised you have no respect for him - how could you? And how can you be in a relationship where there is no respect....

Totally agree with Anna, you sound an intelligent, capable and diligent woman, he is dragging you down. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you are simply providing a more stable (how long can you afford to bankroll him?) upbringing and you are setting an excellent example for her. He is not.
Sorry, I know it is harsh, but you have to get rid, and I think you know that.

Thanks dustbuster. but I'm not amazing, I coped well when we split before and did more than I thought I could. Having been together for so long I had relied on him to "sort" stuff and we had lived abroad so I had no clue about Tax credits etc. in fact I am still learning. I had to fight for student grants, for a housing association house and did work hard to save some money and keep things going. So yay me.
BUT, I was exhausted and sick all the time. My job must have been getting sick of me being the only one available when DD was ill or nursery called. It was really hard, really really hard and lonely.

P does do some housework, he's not Jim Royle. He does help with childcare, he did bathtime tonight for example. If he were purely idle or such a bum it would be easier. He's not, he's a fuck-up who is lazy about doing difficult things and is selfish.I guess I was hoping I could fix that, that he would see it was a case of having to sort himself out or bugger off.

What upset me last time we split was not us splitting or jealousy in case he found someone else - which is telling in itself I guess - but that DD would never have a sibling, would always be a "step" and would always be from a divorced home. I know that's not so bad and that it is better to be apart than unhappy. But I promised myself I'd never do that, that she'd have better than I did.So I've fecked that up too.

And I can't afford to bankroll him, I'm not a big earner! I work part time and have student loans etc and savings.
Ironically he can't even claim benefits while unemployed, I think his entitlement is about £8 a week.

Oh, I do know that sadness, I feel that for DD too. But in my case I felt it was better than her growing up with parents who did not respect each other. In fact, we get on a lot better now he's moved out.

For what it's worth, I don't think you've fecked anything up. It sounds like you have done really well in a very difficult situation.

Yes, it is bloody hard being a single parent. But you wouldn't necessarily be single for the rest of your life - MN is full of people on happy second marriages/relationships. I agree with the earlier poster (sorry, can't scroll back as I am on pages) who said that you have to ask yourself what you want your life (and DD's) to be like in 10 year's time. That could really help you do what is right for you.

Thanks one and all.
I'm trying to work, you can guess how much I'm achieving from my multiple posts. I think I will have to go and talk to him. But I know there's no resolution to the conversation other than me ending it. There's nothing that he can say that he hasn't said before or that he can do right away.
I don't think I can end things today. I have mega deadlines this week and am being selfish, i can't face the upheaval. But I think I have to do it soon
Will post again under this name when I have an update.

Hang on in there AE, it is really tough I know.

AE - no, you don't have to do it - you can set the requirements and deadlines - its then his choice - either he gets his act together and starts acting his age, and as a father would - or go and sponge off someone else (sorry, a bit blunt this evening - running on empty )