Made such a mess of my life, I just want to finish it

[GivinUp]

I'm 32 and have 4 biological children. Two of which do not see their fathers. My current DH is the father of my two youngest but he also has 2 kids to previous relationship. He is currently fighting for custody of them. Their mother is a drug addict alcoholic and social services removed the kids from her care. She is now fighting for them back.

So our current situation is that we live in a tiny 3 bedroomed council house with six children.

Ages 15, 15, 12, 11, 10, 4.

Eldest DSS (15) has behavioural problems and has already been expelled from one school. He's now on 'report' at his new school.

My eldest son (15) is doing ok at school but starting to mix with the wrong crowd. He says the house is too crowded so he goes out with his mates to get some space. I don't know what I can do to help him.

My 11 year old son has epilepsy, ADHD and the academic ability of a 7 year old. He is constantly in trouble at school, runs away all the time, gets into trouble with the police etc.

Aside from this issue with the kids we are in so much debt we keep having to get loans to eat which of course makes the debt worse. DH is not working but drinks alot. I usually end up with sole responsibilty of all 6 kids as he just goes out and leaves me to it.

I feel my life has just reached a point now where it's totally unsavable. I feel numb and I honestly don't think anyone would notice if I left or suddenly disapeared. They would get over it quickly anyway as there is so much going on, they wouldn't have the time to dwell.

The other parents at school go on about how well their kids are doing, nice day trips they've had over the weekend, we just can't afford to do anything. The kids have never been on holiday, they've barely been out of the city unless it was a school trip.

I've just made such a mess of everything I find myself wondering if there is any point in carrying on

I am in the SE. Are you near? I will help you.

Oh lovely i have no constructive advice for you but sounds like things have gotten to much for you to bear on your own

Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel? you will get lots of support from here i am sure but my first though would be to offload your feelings onto someone close to you, a friend, member of your family, even your gp?

poor you. That's a lot to cope with.

first of all, are you on the waiting list for a bigger house? If your la operates a points system then go to gp and get their support - get more points on medical grounds.

Talk to CAB, get some proper debt advice and get their help to work out affordable payment plans - taking out loan after loan is only going to make your situation MUCH worse - you don't want to end up going to loan sharks, do you?

go to entitledto.com to check you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to.

If your dh is feeling half as bad as you are right now, that might be why he is escaping into alcohol - but that money is precious and needs to be spent on food - not pissed up a wall.

And trust me - your family would miss you. I am 100% certain you are so much more vital than you could ever imagine.

Ok break it down........

Why isn't your dh working and why is out drinking instead of helping you? If he's not there to support and help you in this sittuation then why the hell is he there because without him and his kids you might have more time and energy for your 4 children as harsh as that sounds.

Your 15yr old... hanging around with the wrong crowd is not great but most of us have been there and come out fine the other side as long as you have instilled morals and values in him on the way he should be fine but no doubt someone with more teenage advice will be along soon hopefully.

Your 11yr old I think you need to concentrate on him the most for now, how I don't know, hoping someone will have some advice for you on that.

Debt.......again your dh needs to work and stop drinking and stop borrowing money, how much debt would you have if you kicked him out? Could you go to CAB and get them to help you with plan to sort out your debt? Do you have anything that can be sold either on ebay or car boot?

Carrying on........well it's hardly like you have much choice is it, you have 4 (no doubt gorgeous intelligent kids who love you more than the whole world) so it's a matter of having to get on with it and it will get better. No-one can do what you do for them because no-one else is their mum, you are very special!

Im sorry to hear you're so sad, GivinUp. Things sound so hard for you but please don't do anything rash. Try to deal with one thing at a time.

Perhaps you could visit CAB to get some advice about your financial situation. Not sure what to suggest re. your children and house; I'm sure someone will be along with some practical advice soon.

There is a point...I'm sure the collective wisdom of mumsnet can help. What can we do practically to help? Or do you just want to off-load here? Happy to chat if you want to.

Firstly, it sounds like its a tough job that you've got and you're doing the best you can! Don't give up.

Do you have any help from anyone?

If I were you I think I would see my GP in the first instance to check that you're not suffering with anxiety or depression. If you are they can help with that.

I would also approach various agencies for help -eg.Social Services can help by offering you a Family Support worker, they (or Education or Youth Offending Team) may also be able to offer a mentor for the older boys to help keep them out of trouble and in school.

I am sure your children and step-children appreciate you far more than you know (and they are willing to admit). But you obviously have a lot of stresses in your life and no wonder you're feeling low.

I expect you've heard this before, but have you been to Citizen's Advice or a debt advisory service for advice about managing your debts? Have you got a local Sure Start or Home Start who could help you get on top of things? Does your local educataion authority have a parents' advocate to help you deal with the schools? Can the council find you bigger better accommodation?

But first of all, go and see your GP. They should be able to help you feel stronger, maybe with counselling. And then, can you have a long talk with your dh? He's got worries of his own, I know, but his being out of the house so much (and spending money on booze) isn't helping.

Have you got a friend locally who could help you contact all these people?

Good luck.

So sorry you feel so awful...

Actually it doesn't sound like you've made such a mess of everything at all. It sounds like you are a very caring mum who is overwhelmed at the moment.

Your kids need you so try and sort one thing at a time.

Talk to your GP about how depressed you're feeling.

A really good help point is CAB as they can advise on the debt and housing.

Maybe talking to your partner about the drinking - would he come to CAB with you? He might feel less stressed and drink less if he could see a solution?

You are already engaged and concerned with your kids - keep going. Trips and treats are lovely but a mum who cares and is involved will be something that lasts a lifetime for them.

Sorry. Very slow posting - others have said the same thing.

Please dont think you are unimportant. You are a mother. That makes YOU the most important person in the world to your four children.

The other mums at schoolmay be suffering the same as oyu but feel they need to impress every one else. Any why worry about them. Think about yourself first.

Have you been to school and spoken tot the headteacher? They should have strategies in place to support families who are struggling.

You need to visit your GP to get your foot on the ladder of support. If it is medication, counselling, HV, social services, then so be it. All of these agancies are designed to help people not make life harder.

Are you thinking about asking your DH to leave? You may have to to ensure your own wellbeing. He has his own issues to deal with and may need to do it on his own.

Please use us for help and support. We are always here.

I am also in the southeast if you are near by.