when should you leave an emotionally distant partner?

[MrsFreud]

I desperately need to talk to someone about this, but can't think who, as I'd hate to slate my dh in rl. So hoping honest mnetters could help I have been with my dh for 10 years and we are quite opposite in lots of ways (me extrovert, him not), but it didn't matter, I drew strength from my dh, as my rock...but now his emotional distance (TYPICAL public boarding school boy with distant parents etc)is really getting to me. I am sick of initiating the laughs and not having someone who would come and hug me, kiss me spontaneously. I just can't deal with it anymore, but could never leave cos of our children. He is great in every other way, super efficient helpful dad. But really too efficient, like a bloody robot.

But has anyone here left someone like that and regretted it, or better still is living with someone like that and has found a solution?? I am at the point where I 'avoid' him as much as poss as I am so angry, but then I feel I have no right to be angry because he has always been like this - I guess you can't change someone....

I got to a stage in my relationship where I was irritated and angry with my dp. It seemed like there were several options (stay and be unhappy, have a relationship with someone else, leave and cause heartbreak and disruption to my children) but all of them felt like terrible choices.

I decided that I would see what I could do to maintain my relationship and I deliberately set out to make things better. Of course there was nothing that I could do to change my dp, so I had to change some of the ways I was thinking about our relationship and my needs.

One book I found useful was by John Gray (of Mars and Venus fame). He described a number of different "love tanks" e.g. fun, family, friends, parental love, a spiritual dimension, giving to a community, self-love etc.

If I recall correctly, his analogy was that while one tank was actively "being filled" e.g. during the falling in love stage, then we have a great feeling of fulfillment (even if all the other tanks are empty). He also suggested that when any particular tank was "full" we did not feel continual fulfillment, but rather boredom, restlessness or dissatisfaction.

Trying to continue with filling the same tank (i.e. struggling to work on the same aspect of your relationship) would not make it any better, but starting to fill up another tank might.

Anyway, similar to you, I needed someone else to initiate fun, someone else to have meaningful conversations with. I did wish it would be my dp who did that, but that was not strong in his personality, so where else could I safely get that?

I now have a group of friends who I see / phone / email and with whom laughter flows until we are in tears. This in turn enable me to have a more humerous touch with dp, who is more funny in return.

I think I could see that whilst my dp had many great things, and I loved him deeply, I had got to a stage where I was expecting him to meet all of my needs.

Don't know if any of that makes sense, but we are now happier then ever.

Mrs Freud

I am returning to mumsnet after a long time away - I've been lurking but felt compelled to write as this is the issue I continue to struggle with.

I'm not sure I can answer any of your questions, but I think I am getting to the stage where I can say quite definately I need a stronger emotional/ deeper/ more real connection with my husband. And I'm getting to the stage where I feel comfortable saying that and accepting it as a need that is not currently being met.

I understand where you are with it notsoclever, and respect that place - I've found times and moments of real happiness with dh, in part due to finding fulfilment in other areas and therefore expecting less of him.

But but but... there is no denying I want to be in a relationship where there is something more than the going about our lives together. To feel something more. And I don't know if I can live the whole rest of my life without it.

Mrs Freud - I'm angry about it too. I reckon its normal to get angry when you have a need that isn't being met.

Lordy, I've blurbed. Its been too long!

Relate relate relate relate

He needs to come on board with how you are feeling and learn to see how his actions/emotional distance/coldness are affecting you I think.

books are all very well, but they don't really cause deep change ime. I say this as someone who had a whole stash of relationship porn under her bed at one point, some 25 books. I worked so hard reading and reading and trying to implement change, but because he was not willing/ready/able to change, it didn't work. Relate was great, but sadly too late for us, but it has genuinely changed him for the better.

Having an impartial mediator is very helpful. Would he be on board with that?

Green, I feel the same. I don't feel a real connection with my OH anymore - we don't have 'meaningful' conversations. Or if we do I just don't feel we understand each other.

For me the relationship is severely lacking if there's no emotional connection. To me that's right up there on the list of priorities. I want to get that from the person I spend most of my life with, not just from my friends. I just can't get my head round not having it in my relationship

thanks, this has been so-o-o useful, you've all hit the nail on the head.

notsoclever, I want to stay with dh and if I could fufil that other side of me somewhere else it is a thought.

But should you really be with someone who you don't have an emotional connection with? (gawd typing this I feel like Carry out of SITC!)If I knew relate could fix it, I'd try it, but I can't imagine a 50yr old man changing. Wickerman, how old was your dh, did it take a lot to change him? Sadly it sounds like you guys split up...but was it easy to get him to go to relate?

I will have another go at trying to explain it to him tonight, but getting him to open up is bloody impossible!!

I am having exactly the same problem with my DH for the last few months.
I have been very exhausted looking after our 3 kids, 5 and under and need emotional support, and emotional responsibility from him.
An emotional connection would be nice too ! as it feels we have fallen out of love.
I guess this is quite common, but I don't know if I can live with it.
Explaining it to him hasn't worked.

Anyone in same boat / any tips ??

I think anyone can change MrsFreud.
In my oh's case, it was completely fascinating to find out that he had NEVER ever considered his family and its impact on his own behaviour and life choices. I was staggered that a man of his intelligence and success could have gone through life without remotely thinking about these things. I think he was too.

And it really has changed him. Unfortunately, I seem to have moved on, emotionally from him (there is no one else)
and I don't want to invest loads MORe time in totally rebuilding the relationship, which is what he (now that is is convenient for HIM) would like.

BUT that was a case of exceptionally bad timing, and in my dh's case, exceptional obtuseness, and there were other issues too, so don't take that as a bad sign.

I too am married to someone who can function like a 'robot' (interestingly I have used that word to him several times!) and as a result can be a distant, dismissive, detatched and off hand. He works too much and treats me like an inconvienience.

Things came to a head for us last year when I was really down after my Dad's death. When he died I became aware how much of my Dad had taken up the role of my emotional support. I suppose that when he died I expected my DH to step into the breech but he didn't and I was shocked to discover how distant we had become. With 2 young kids and no-one around to help I just felt devastated at the realisation that if things didn't change then I was going to have to leave. I didn't want to live my life with someone who didn't fulfill my emotional needs either.

When I talked to him he didn't want to accept any responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage. In our relationship I am the outgoing one and also have a really fiery temper so everything was my fault. He buried his head in the sand and it made me so furious and offended that I went in to full anger mode. I started seeing a counsellor on my own and she explained that she didn't think that my relationship with him would work either as she felt we had different moral codes- mine was to prioritise our family unit and his was to work to provide and he saw that as his roll.

You can imagine how that cheered me up, and all of this info I got before going on a 2 week holiday with him. Anyway, this is long but eventually I cracked him- we had talked and talked mainly passing the buck to and fro until eventually I managed to get him to see where I was coming from- I felt strangled emotionally and needed some nurturing ( I also felt like I was in danger of having an affair) and he committed to trying hard. That was last Aug. We set dates for changes, deadlines if you will. I could tangibly measure the changes then (he didn't like it because he felt like it was constantly being measured).

We have talked and talked and talked. He still works as hard and when he has a lot on things do go pairshaped but the majority of the time it is better: I don't feel like I'm on my own any more. I feel like I have chipped away at the brick wall between us but it hasn't been a pleasant journey and I can't guarentee that it won't happen again but it's working for now. Good luck

wow shootfh, that is an amzing story. So pleased it worked. " distant, dismissive, detached" such a good phrase I might use it

MrsFreud - has your DH ever done any type of therapy or counselling? Does he read literature? See films? Or explore his innermost feelings in any way at all?

I am so glad I found this topic. I have a four week old baby and I am so tired but it feels as if my DH is not interested in me as a person or sexually anymore. It started before I was pregnant if I am honest but I just ignored it. We had been to relate the year before as we had had a termination which I wanted but he did not. He was really upset and then I went into a black depression. He blamed and punished me for the best part of a year and we nearly broke up. Relate was a waste of time as they would not see us together so he went and I went else where for therapy.
We moved on and I was so desperate to try for a baby and he would not. Eventually he agreed and now we have this amazing baby boy. But Ifeel that something was broken between us since the termination and that we never really fixed it.
He is very cold and serious and 'male'. He was amazing during the birth and at times in the pregnancy and is great with our son but he can make me feel pretty worthless at times. Our interests seem to have diverged. I still want to be socila and he hates going out. I read different books, listen to different music and he can be quite dismissive.
I am alone with the baby a lot and he never sleeps!
I had an episiotomy and it was not a good job and so DH keeps putting off having sex, he is not even that into kissing.
Relate was such a bad experience I do not want to go there again and we do not have money for any more counselling anyway. DH accuses me of making demands when I try to talk about this.
I love him SO much but I just want some respect and to be understood and cherished a bit more. I feel I am always biting my tongue. I now feel very sad, lonely and depressed but at least I am not alone.
HELP

notsoclever- I hear all you say, and some of it makes sense, but I still don't think that other people can fill a gap that we need our partners to fill.

I feel the same about my situation- my DH is loving and kind, but lacks depth and we rarely discuss " the meaning of life" etc etc.

I actually chose him because he was so baggage-free and so laid back, compared with previous men, but now I feel he doesn't stimulate me in many ways. He also doesn't "talk emotion".

Other people can go so far, but surely we want our Dps to fill certain needs?

OP don't know how long- until you feel you have both tried everything, or can accept what you have.

Ginga66 - your story is very sad - you ought to be enjoying your baby together and instead you feel that your DH is punishing you and that you have nothing in common (books, music, sex...).

You desperately need to find some common ground with your DH. Can you make a move to do some of the things that he chooses?

It's soul destroying to be with a partner who you can't relate to emotionally. My ex was like that - cold and distant although a fantastic father. He left me two years ago when DD was 6 and I was distraught. But I can honestly say that my life is finally what I'd always hoped it would be.

Every day I was with him my self-esteem was slowly chipped away until I didn't even know who I was. I met someone else about a year ago who is everything my ex was not and we have an emotional connection that I didn't think possible.

I'm not suggesting you leave him, because you've said that you don't want to, but I don't think he's going to change and you have to find ways to get what you need elsewhere. It is possible to accept situations and make the best of them; but also be aware that you don't just have to make do and have the right to find what truly fulfils you and brings you peace and joy.

Oh-wa. I don't know. This whole issue feels so hard.

I think MrsFreud, that the anger is something you HAVE to deal with. Anger is a totally normal reaction to needs that aren't being met. And you have to have space to deal with that anger. I'm trying to find that space myself - dh HATES me being angry and will completely detach from me in these circumstances - which is a bit of a vicious circle.

I too want to stay with my dh I really really do. But yet, sometimes I find myself deeply acheing for something more. I want to fall into his arms and feel seen, heard and loved. But as this seems more and more unlikely, I also dream of falling into someone elses arms and romantisise about complete strangers.

Gina - thats extra f-ing hard when you have a little one - its so easy to feel isolated at that time anyway and its something you so much want to share together. I think my anger stems from feeling down with a little baby and him being distant at the time I needed him most.

Bonsoiranna and green...
I eventually told my DH that i need less criticism and more undertstanding; and also to get back in the saddle sexually. He says I criticise him too and we both need to stop; and that he feels a bit weird about sex after what he saw in the delivery room. It's not the answer but at least it is a start.
He plays guitar to our baby and so have been singing along; we like a lot of similar movies so trying to do that. It's just the unemotional side that upsets me the most and the need not to be made fun of and to be respected and adored.
Green my DH also completely shuts down when I am angry but he says my anger was out of control at times and this is true - i got physical in the past.
Going to say what I need to but try to be less demanding as I do not think I will get what I want that way.
Also romanticise ablout things, want to be swept away again, remember when we used to talk into the wee hours and make love endlessly, seems long time ago now. I am up with colicy baby again, he is leeping. Ha!