Why am I so confused? :-(

[PurpleSky]

I've had a string of disatrous relationships from the age of 16. Emotionally and physically abusive, none of them have ever loved me or cared for me, most of them used me ... and then I just gave up and decided to stay single.

I have now met a lovely man however, he's great with the kids, treats me like royalty, wants the same thing I want, we laugh at the same things, we enjoy the same things ...

Yet I find myself constantly telling myself that I don't like him. I pick on things he does to proove to myself that he's not right for me. Stupid things like "he holds his hand in a wierd position when he walks" or "he talks too loudly" etc...

Why can't I just be happy and how do I know if I can trust myself? Am I thinking up these bad things because he genuinly ISN'T for me or because I'm terrified of the truth incase I get hurt again?

Another thing is that I find myself constantly worrying about what other people will think. I imagine them all picking up on the same 'little things' as me and laughing at us behind our backs. Why does it matter what other people think? Why can't I just be happy for myself and to hell with everyone else?

"
Yet I find myself constantly telling myself that I don't like him. I pick on things he does to proove to myself that he's not right for me."

The psycho-babble answer would be that you low self-esteem and subconciously want to sabbotage every relationship to "prove" to yourself that you are unworthy of love- and you see yourself as unlovable.

The same answer would apply to our worry over what people would think- it's down to low self-esteem.

There are loads of ggod books on raising your self-esteem, or you could try a course of counselling/coaching/ or CBT sessions to see if that helps- it obviously goes back a long way from what you have said, and you need to break out of this pattern of behaviour.

You have got to keep believing that youare great- and lovable!