Sensitive Post - Abuse - Long too

[Claire2009]

I was abused by my half brother as a child (he's 7yrs older than me).

My dad abused my half brother (Mums first child from 1st marriage). Half brother eventually went to the Police about it, cut a long story short Dad was in Prison on remand afaik for 12-18mths ish..
Myself & Sis were in foster care during dads stint in prison as Mum had died 2-3mths before dad went into prison..

Dad came out, we moved back with him. Lack of evidence I think with the abuse of half brother.
We moved a long way away from where we were born/brought up for 13/14yrs..

I started a new school, made new friends etc.

There was a family that lived opposite us, I used to 'hang around' with the boy, he was a couple of years younger than me..

Right, I'm now an adult & have my own life/own children etc. I found this boy on FB as we'd lost contact over the years and we were chatting on the chat pop up thingy and he said he had to tell me something but was scared...he then told me my Dad abused him..

I was shocked but kinda knew it in a way, we'd go camping and boy had to be next to dad and not me, all very strange..

I told boy to go to the Police, why hasnt he told anyone but me. He said he is scared, has no proof etc etc..I've said I'd be there for him as I believe him that my Dad did do this..he still said No, but he wanted to talk about it & I couldnt handle hearing it all if he was going to do nothing about it!?
So I deleted him from my FB ...I felt terrible but it sent me into depression again. I have a long term depression problem for years now..

I spoke to sister about this boy telling me this, sister believed him too, but immediately her first question was "Is he gonna go to the Police?" she didnt want him to, I just said I dont know..she said she couldnt deal with any of this and everything thats gone on over the years until our Dad was dead...she just blocks things until she is ready to deal with them...oh I wish I could do that I really do

My reason for this post is that I keep thinking about the boy again, he's not had a great childhood, even more so with my Dad doing what he did...but what can I do?! Its up to him to go to the Police and if he doesnt want to then where does that leave me & my guilt..I feel bad that the boy, who was my friend had this happen to him...

Sorry for the long, random post but my head is a mess with it today.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did nothing wrong. There is no reason for you to feel bad. You are not responsible for your father's behaviour.

What I think would help you is to get help for the depression. I hope you can find it.

I'm sure someone will come along who has more experience of a situation like this.

Best wishes.

Thankyou for the reply.

I do have help for the depression, I'm on/off fluoxetine (& have done some counselling although I found it no help whatsoever) I haven't took any since Nov '08..I have good/bad days but I think knowing all this doesnt help..I do feel guilty, I also feel like splurting it all out to my Dad that I now know..

He was a heavy alcoholic for years and years 20yrs or so, but he's stopped this last 3yrs and doesnt touch it at all. he's a very diff. man to what he was when I was growing up but it also seems like he doesnt remember or rather choses not to..

Thankyou again for the reply, its the feeling that I know now & the guilt that is eating away and really not helping me..

Darling how awful

Right. First thing is, that this boy's experience is NOT your responsibility. If he wants to talk about it, he needs to respect and understand the fact that it really upsets you, because honestly that is not your job, to counsel him or even be his friend.

You did the RIGHT THING deleting him. I'm glad that you have that measure of self-protectiveness, in fact - a lot of people wouldn't.

He needs to seek professional support to get over it if that's what he wants. I can see exactly why it would upset you and frustrate you not to be able to make him go to the police. And also why it'd upset your sister if he did.

In the end it is up to him. You have kindly and generously validated his experience by saying you believe him. That is your job done, not that you owed him anything.

It's your father's legacy, not your fault or responsibility in any way.

Hi Clare

Just read your post. Although I have othing useful to contribue I couldn't not reply.

Hoping someone will come along soon with wise words.

Claire love, you cannot and should not take responsibility for your Dad's behaviour.

I hope somehow you can find peace with all this.

Thanks, FA25, my Fathers legacy yes, but I also feel he was my friend, how did I not know? Say/do anything back then? Why? Thats what I keep asking myself.

I felt guilt for ages after at deleting him, his Mum kicked him out at 15yo & he lives with his elder Sister now. I am the only one that knows, he has problems and does need help I agree but I doubt he'll seek it. He'll probably end up some drunk/druggy soon enough and all down to this no doubt....

I don't take responsibility for his behaviour, but for him to recognise what he done back then would also help perhaps...rather than critise me as a single Mother to a 2 & 3yo (he is never ever alone with my children & never ever will be, no matter what)..

I wish I could just stop thinking about this but I feel so sorry for the boy..

Claire, it's natural to feel sorry for him and also guilt because - well, anyone would wish they'd known, stepped in, etc. It doesn't mean you could have done anything.

It occurs to me that at the time, it may have been so far beyond your capacity to take on any further upset re your father, that you actually refused, subconsciously, to allow yourself to see that anything was going on - even if at times it might have seemed suspicious to you or others. Your brain (and heart) just perhaps could not deal with it, so you were protected from 'seeing' anything possibly - does that make sense?
Which would indicate that you were already saturated with awful feelings about what had happened before, and that is something nobody could possibly blame you for.

Or it might have been that you knew and noticed nothing whatsoever, in which case guilt is not appropriate either.

Do you see what I am getting at here?

Have you had some professional help to try and get past this, for yourself? It's something I am sure nobody can really manage without a bit of help.

claire, one more thing. From your posts it seems you still have contact with your dad...is this what you want?

Perhaps you have a conflict in that you want to be angry with your dad for what he did to that boy but in order to maintain a relationship with your dad, you need to almost 'choose' or take sides - you can't really be in contact with both of them.

Maybe your guilt is actually guilt at allowing your father to stay in your life, and therefore force you to choose between him and your friend - does that make any sense?

I'm really sorry if I am getting it all wrong. It's a horrid thing, my mother was abused and it split her and her siblings apart.

That makes sense. I knew what was going on up to a point I think but didn't dare say anything about it ...not sure why I didn't or why I still haven't said anything to him though...

I've not sought professional help for this, I've seen a counsellor but that was mainly about the abusive r/s I was in for 5yrs and trying to get over that. I guess I really should go back to my gp & explain this & ask to see someone...I just want to be happy, and not have this burden.

Btw, I found out about my own abuse from a family friend & my nan. I knew nothing of it but I have blocked a lot out so perhaps that was why, I was around 5yo when my H/Brother abused me.

Claire, you sound to me very self aware and sensible. Yes I would imagine that some more counselling might be a good thing, although it will bring things back up to the surface in a way you may not expect.

You're very brave, I hope things settle down a bit and you manage to sort it all out x

Is the guilt because it was your father who did it, or is it because you feel your friend was putting responsibility to do something about it onto you rather than going to the police himself? I don't know about legal stuff but probably if you did go to the police they would say they needed a statement from your friend, so there is nothing you can do about it anyway. Like others said, the fact that it was your dad doesn't make you guilty of anything, it was him that did it.

Or is it guilt that you didn't stop your friend going through it at the time? I can't see that anyone would blame you for that because you didn't really know what was going on and you were a child who wouldn't have known what to do about it even if you did know for certain what was happening.

You are angry with your friend for refusing to report it but it was probably really hard for him to tell even you. It would take such a huge amount of strength for him to go to the police and go through all that would follow. It may not have occurred to him ever to report it (as abuse messes with people's heads in lots of ways) and he may need more time to make that decision now that you have put it in his mind. He might still decide to do that.

AN, Its guilt that it was my Father that done it & I allowed it to happen in a way, he was my friend & I feel I should've protected him in some way..I was 2yrs older than him.

He's 22 now & I'm 24.

I'm going to look into counselling again as ignoring it isn't working with me & I feel that everything needs to come out.

Thanks for replying.