My husband threw a cup at me today

[manicmama]

... and I am really upset about it.

We had a petty argument -
Me: You don't help around the house
Him: Yes I do
Me: You do nothing, you are like a caveman
Him: Well you go out and earn as much money as I do then
Me: Well, if I hadn't been looking after the kids for the last 7 years I probably would be able to earn more money

He then lost it, picked up a plastic cup and threw it at me (he was aiming for me). It hit me in the leg. No injury.

I was outraged and told him he couldn't do that and told him to get out. He refused to and so I ran upstairs crying.

Later he said how ashamed he was of his behaviour etc but how much I had upset him. I told him this still didn't make it ok and have basically been avoiding as much contact as I can. He is now trying to be really helpful cleaning and offering to cook but I am still upset.

I don't really know what to do and can't sleep. I am worried that if I don't make a point about this DH will just brush it under the carpet and pretend it never happened.

It's not really my place to comment but you obviously want other opinions (which is all this is...), although your husband never should have thrown the cup it sounds like he knows it was wrong and that he has his tail between his legs trying so I would let it go but I would first let him know that it never should have happend and that it won't be let go so easily if it ever happends again. A button was obviously pushed and maybe he felt like you didn't appreciate all the work he has been doing to raise money for the family when you said you would be able to earn more... even if that's not how you meant for it to come across. My husband and I often have the same argument about him helping around the house and I know it is very frustrating. Maybe remind him that you both have long tiring days and that you appreciate and respect what he does to support the family but you feel that he isn't showing you respect or appreciation when he comes home and puts up his feet while you continue to work 24/7. Hope that helps a little.

That does help. Thanks.

How hard did he throw it?

I can imagine myself doing something like this in a moment of frustration. indeed I once threw something similar at my son, although I aimed it deliberately away from him (generally a good shot)but felt extremely ashamed afterwards.

I don't know what to suggest. Has he ever been violent before, do you have other concerns? You're right not to just ignore it because it upset you and was wrong. But there's a fine line between a one off and the start of a slippery slope. It's just figuring out which it was iyswim.

Can you sit down and talk about the issue re housework etc?

I am pretty sure it was a one off.

The only thing that concerns me a little is that he has had issues with his drinking before and his drinking is starting to get out of hand again because he is stressed at work. (He was sober when he threw the cup).

I probably just need to talk to him.

Well, if you look at the cup throwing and the increase in drinking as part of a bigger picture, it does sound as though your husband is finding it difficult to control his stress and anger. Do you think he is depressed? Do you think he needs to see your GP to get help?
More importantly, do you feel safe? Do you think something like this could happen again?

My DH is permanently depressed but refuses to get any help.

That sounds as though there could be a problem then. He ought not to be shouldering you with the entire burden of his issues/illness. It's not only not fair, but has potentially very big problems for your marriage. there is only so much one person can take iyswim.

Perhaps a bit of counselling for both of you, at somewhere like relate, or either of you individually, might not be a bad thing?

You need to have solid boundaries in a relationship with a depressed person, and be very sure of where he stops and you begin so that you can make sure you take care of your own needs and it isn't all about him.

What I'd say is you know your P, if he has never done anything like this before, really, then put it down to stress. If he talks to you respectfully most of the time, listens to your opinions and doesn't belittle you, they are all good signs. Keep an eye on the situation anyway though, especially if he's depressed.

Thanks for all your advice.

I sat down with DH and had a long chat about everything. He was very apologetic, understood my concerns and we talked about his low mood and stress. I feel much better for talking to him. DH says he will even consider changing jobs which I think could make a huge difference. (He currently works crazy hours for an alcoholic, egomaniac boss and that can't help!)

I really appreciate the time you all took to respond to my post - when I don't know where else to turn I know I can always count on users of mumsnet for support