DO you think our marriage it worth saving??

[itfcbabe]

i know im new but could i have some advice please, sorry if this is quite long.
x

i am 32 and have been married for nearly 13 years.

When we meet i was 19, a size 10 and i am very tall, i had a model figure.

we then had 4 kids in 5 years and when our youngest was 1 he had
a short non sex affair with a younger girl but we got over this and our sex life was great.

then had 2 more kids and
i then went up to a size 22 and weighted 20 stone!!
but we still had good sex about 2/3 times a week.

i then turned 30 and was fed up of being fat so i joined ww, as soon as i started losing weight i gained confidence and men started paying me attention but i didn't do anything about it, while this was happening my husband stopped paying me any attention.
we didn't have sex for 6 mths!!
i lost 4 1/2 stone in 9 months and went down to a size 14 but he still didn't want sex with me!

i would cry,scream i even threatened to have an affair he said go ahead, so i did just to get the attention.

We sat down one day and i told him what i had done and why, he was angry but agreed he hadn't paid me enough attention and would change.

He didn;t, he said he had no sex drive, i then found out he had been buying porn and watching it while i was asleep, we had antoher talk and he said he would change.
He didn't!

Then last year i found out he had been messaging woman on facebook saying what he wanted to do to them sexually! this is while he said he had no sex drive.

i came to the conclusion it was me he didn't fancy!! he swore blind that he did!!

We talked again and i said last chance!!

He hasn't changed again, he doesn't make the 1st move, he prefers a blow job than sex,its like if we do that he doesn;t have to have sex with me.

He makes me feel as sexy as a lump of poo!!

Last week i had it out with him
told him that there are 4 reasons why a man doesn;t want to have sex with his wife.
1: HIs Gay
2: His having an Affair
3:His ill
4: He doesn;t fancy her any more.

I know its not the 1st 3 so it must be he doesn't fancy me.

I have put some weight on again but we had a fab sexlife when i was a sze 22 and its crap now im a size 16!!

he swears blind he loves me and fancies me
he calls me beautiful, kisses me and does try to make a move now, but after so many knock backs over the last 3 years i don't know what to believe, feel like he is just doing it so i won't moan for a while.

Do u think there is anything left for us or should we call it a day???

The bloke i had an affair with has contacted me again and im tempted as the sex was so good and me made me feel wanted,sexy and beautiful, i don't want to, i am totally in love with my husband and still get the tingling feeling when i see him like i did 13 years ago.

advice please.xx

Oh shit I feel for you, what a wanker he is in every sense. Have you asked him what it would take?
If I said to go for the affair but don't leave wanker to live with him would that make sense?
You obviously have done enough as far as your h is concerned so does he mean for you to lead separate lives? if so, he has sanctioned the other guy then hasn't he. BUT that is such a minefield of and emotional rollercoaster to go down. Completely understandable to want to feel desirable but is that using other guy?
Your weight is just something to do with you though and what you are comfortable with.
How is he with the dcs?

Hi - I feel very sorry for you, but do wonder why you are putting so much store on the sex side of your relationship. In my experience, sex usually goes wrong because of other things that are wrong with the relationship. Do you go out together? Laugh together etc? I suspect not. I think that if you're not sleeping together you really should try to get to the bottom of why. Have you tried talking to him about it? I know that a lot of men go off sex with their partners after seeing them give birth, but usually that gets back to normal after some time.

Does he thing your marriage is worth saving? Have you asked him. Agree that there seems to be bigger issues here.
Does he still feel hurt, resentful over the affair etc, what was wrong before this.
If you both want to save your marriage (and it sounds like you do) I really suggest some couples counselling and going right back to where the problems first appeared, I think everything else that has happened after this has been a symptom of the original problem, whatever this was.

Ok first of all please stop putting kisses all over your posts

Then decide if you want to be with this guy

Don't ramble on about sex as a smokescreen. Remeber that after 13 years a little effort might have to be made on both parts to even remember that there is tingling! Your life isn't a teen movie.

Do you love him and want to be with him? Establish this first and then you know whether to get to the bottom of anything else before moving forward.

BTW I wouldn't be blowing anyone who didn't want to have sex with me

thanks for all the replies.

in order
mamas12
he is a fantastic father and a great husband in all ways apart from showing me he wants me sexually, i have health problems and he does alot for me and the kids.
we do laugh together,we do everything together apart from sex!

missgreatbritian
sex is very important to me, it plays a huge role in my marriage.its not only the sex, he won't kiss me just for doing it or cuddle up on the sofa watching tv, if we get a few hours to ourselves which is difficult with 6 kids he says he is really looking forward to it and then he goes on the computer!!!

liliacclaire
he does want to save our marriage i think , i mentioned relate and he did agree, i have thought about it being the other guy and that he might think he is not as good,but i told him the other guy means nothing apart from a cheap trill and someone to make me feel sexy for 45mins which i want from him so much more!

ronaldinhio
what do u mean by kisses??
i do want to be with him and i love him with all my heart, i do make an effot, i dress up, have asked him what his ultimate fantasty is, massage him, low lights, i booked a weekend away, no kids for 3 days and i watched all of series 3 of desperate housewives, thats 24 epsodies 40 mins long each!!! enough said about that!!!

we are very open and had an open marriage 10 years ago, i have asked him if he wants that again and he said no, he doesn't want anyone else to have me, but he doesn't show he wants me!!

the past week he has tried more and it has been good, but im just waiting for him to change back again so i am on edge all the time!!

Is his ultimate fantasy someone watching Desperate Housewives?
I don't understand and if I'm honest think that this sounds like a wind up....well sort of hope that it is

Has he asked what your fantasy is?
Does he "dress up" for you?

It sounds as though you need to decide why you want to be with him though not on some treadmill to try to make him want you so that you can feel secure.

Sorry, but I think that there is more to this. He's had an affair, you've had an affair. He's contacting other people about what he wants to do to them... you are thinking about what you want other people to do to you. He wants a blowjob but won't give you a kiss? This whole situation is very, very screwed up.

Relate may be a good start but will only work if you are both frank and honest about what it is you really want (IMO the weight thing is moot here- don't think it really influences anything). We all want to recaputure the initial chemistry of our early relationship but I think he may have mentally wandered off, whether he will ever return will be what determines whether or not this works (IYKWIM).

Could there be someone else on his part or is he really stressed with work etc (my DH is having an affair with his work, again IYKWIM)? It doesn't sound good tbh though.

wish it was a wind up ronaldinhio but its my life!!!!

Anyway, what does it bloody matter what we think...it's your marriage. We can't tell you if it worth saving or not as we aren't in it
We can tell you if a sundress is fashionable or if shouting at a bus driver is unreasonable but NOT if your marriage is worth saving

What does Desperate Housewives advise in this situation?

ronaldinhio why are u being so snappy?

i only asked for advice and peoples opinion didn't want people to shout at me!!