Am looking for advice as to what I could do to help.
Bit of background to put this in perspective - my mum was treated horribly by her own mother (apparently she was a lovely girl until she was two, then she "turned nasty"). My grandmother was so controlling towards my mum that she developed an eating disorder in her teens. My mum still has really low self-esteem, mainly as a result of being told repeatedly by my grandmother that she is useless and can't do anything right, and by comparing her to other women (always ones that are actually less good than her) and finding her wanting.
Before I started school, I was looked after by that grandmother while my mum went out to work. My grandmother still loved controlling things - for instance, I wasn't allowed to become a vegetarian when I wanted to, wasn't allowed to take a middle name on confirmation, was not allowed to play any sports that she wasn't interested in, was ridiculed for holding the opinions that I did. There was also more subtle stuff, like causing a row on the day I graduated and storming off, so I have v few photos of us all together and there was no meal with all the family in the evening. Also stuff like refusing to smile in family photos, snide put-downs, going on and on at me until I burst into tears right before my first driving test (despite being asked repeatedly to drop the issue) and then being told it was my own fault when I failed.
My grandmother especially liked playing me and my mum off - she loved it if she could get me on her side and exclude my mum. It was only as I became older that I realised that there was this undercurrent to her behaviour, this trying to undermine my mum and ostracise her. On the flip side, my mum also tried to get me to side with her against my grandma. So there was this ridiculous power play situation going on, with me stuck in the middle.
I recall there was always a lot of tension in the house - lots of rows, but never any resolution to issues iyswim. Lots of things being thrown, pencils being snapped etc. I remember being unhappy for most of my childhood. Not wildly miserable, just feeling that there wasn't much to smile about.
I have vowed that I am not going to make the same mistakes with my own children.
I have now left home, so am out of the daily rounds of arguments etc. However, the situation has carried on between the two of them and I think is taking a real toll on both my mother and grandmother. My mum's self-esteem is nonexistent, her temperament is very brittle and she finds many ordinary-but-slightly-slightly stressful situations simply overwhelming to her. It's as if she just can't cope with life. On the other side, over the last few years I have watched my grandmother become this bitter, unhappy person who is always looking to start an argument with someone (usually over ridiculous things like 'it's ok to be racist'). She will not tolerate it if people put their foot down with her or try to draw boundaries - it is her way or the highway. At times, I have wondered if either or both are depressed (but neither would want to admit it or seek help if they were).
It is just an awful situation. They both admit that the situation is awful, but neither of them is willing to "concede" and meet the other halfway. In the meantime, all hell breaks loose on a daily basis. Even though I have now left home, it still affects me indirectly (by having unhappy relatives). It also affects me directly when I go home to visit.
I have given my mum a copy of 'Toxic Parents' (which I read and thought was very useful) but I don't think she has read it (I think she feels that mentally classifying her mum as an emotional abuser would be disloyal). Basically, I am looking for suggestions as to what I might do to try and make things better. The situation is not going to change on its own and there aren't any other family members around to do anything about this. Can any of you think of anything that I could do to make things better? Or should I just encourage my mum to see less of her mother, on the basis that it would be too distressing for my grandmother to tackle this head-on? I do not want to just ignore the situation if there is anything I can do to improve it.