where to from here? Suspect is it too late!

[blahdiblahblah]

Will try and keep it brief...
We have DS 2.5 years.
Whenever DH and I fight (and usually over such small things) it escalates, and although I try and talk rationally he just refuses to listen to anything I hate to say and ends up shouting and ALWAYS resorts to slagging me off.
Today he called me a "f*king cnt" in front of our son
Yes, he has done it before.
When I ask him how he can possibly justify this and think it is acceptable he says it is my fault because "I pushed him". Like he has no responsibilty for what comes out his mouth!
Doubt he will ever change.
Also says really upsetting things like he wonders all the time if he would still be with me if DS wan't born. We have been together 12 years!
I try not to let his juvenile insults wear me down but of course they do, but my main concern is I dont want my son growing up exposed to that kind of behaviour and thinking it is normal.

thanks Bettyboo, hearing your experience helps.
the sad thing is: I don't want to seperate,
so now we are talking about it I want to hang on with what I can.
If DH moves abroad he will see DS maybe once a year? NO NO NO, I dont want that for them
I figure we are under huge stress from moving and starting over, and maybe when things are settled it will improve... But I guess life is not like that, there is always something to stress out about.
Everytime he says something nasty to me now (which he will do often as his way of showing me JUST HOW MUCH he does not like me) I wonder why, instead of being angry and outraged with him, I just feel sad sad sad

Just getting this on my 'on' list so can reply later
Hope you are feeling ok today op

Hope you are OK, blah.

This must be such a stressful and upsetting time.

There is one line you typed that just rings huge alarm bells for me:

'...he admits what he did is wrong, but feels there is something wrong in the relationship that allows arguments to get to that point...'

he isn't taking any ownership for his behaviour. He may feel that the relationship is unhealthy or needs work or whatever, but that does not mean he can shirk responsibility for his own words and actions. He must face up to the fact that something is very wrong with him that he feels it is OK to be so verbally abusive towards you (and in front of your child).

I really hope you can find a way forward.

thanks....
we have both managed to avoid talking about it today - all just too raw I spose.
When I ask if he thinks what he said was wrong he says 'I suppose so, but it was in anger"... like if it is in anger then it is OK, because then he doesn't really mean it???
Not much logic there me thinks.
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts, I am OK today, let's see how tomorrow goes.
I am going to try and go away for a few days, and also try and counselling for me to try and help me come to a place that I feel comfortable.

You sound like me a few weeks ago.

Now, 'tis obvious that he hasn't pissed you off enough that you are going to tell him to sling his hook.
Poss problem is now that he has got away with it once, it will escalate.

If you don't want this, and you want to stay also, you need to stamp on this NOW.

I'm not going to say 'leave him blah blah'

You won't do that till you're ready but please know we will support you whatever your decision, even the hardened 'leave him immediately' posters will have sympathy for you, and not give you any 'well you ignored our advice so.....' crap.
Thats whats good about MN

He and YOU need to know this is not acceptable behaviour even in anger which is a perfectly natural emotion, everyone has the right to feel safe, loved and protected, and happy, AND RESPECTED, in any relationship whether it be parent/child, you/DP you/anyone else...

How would he feel if every time he left a cup in the living room, you gota baseball bat out and threatened to hit him?

Out of order, no?
If you wouldnt do it to him, you shouldnt accept it off him either.

Threatening behaviour has NO place in a normal loving relationship no matter how angry you are.

Hope you're ok today and ready for the long haul which is making that mong respect you as he should.
But i do have the feeling now he will get progressively worse and in a few months, although i hope not, you will be posting to say he has done it again/you want to stay/leave/whatever.

Morning Blah,

Hows things?
I totally agree with Stercus, you won't leave until you are ready.
Believe me when I say, you know when you have taken all you can.
It took me 11 years.
I married him, bought a house and got pregnant before I realised thing weren't as they should be.
I think these type of men wear you down.
I honestly don't recognise the person I became. I used to agree just because I new what disagreeing would do. I would keep quiet when he was balling at me.

Just don't let yourself be worn down blah, and please don't believe it is your fault. He needs to take responsibility for his actions.
We tried the whole 'relate' thing whilst I was pregnant. He made all the right noises during the sessions but didn't seem able/willing to do it for real.
When I think back to that time it makes me feel physically sick.
I sat in those bloody counselling sessions stroking my 6 month baby bump willing the baby to be ok because I was so sure the stress would damage him.

I wanted my baby to have a 'proper' family more than anything but came to realise that whilst he would have 2 parents who lived together, he would also think that men don't respect women and women are weak.
That is not a proper family.
My Ds has 2 parents who love him dearly and who are civil to each other.

I hope you can be happy with whatever you chose to do blah.
Be strong

thanks for those replies.

We have spoken a bit today, and I have said to him that I think it is crazy that such small things escalate, and he agreed to that. He says he thinks neither of us show each other proper respect.... tis hard though, because now I fight back.
I 100% know that his mouth is his problem.
I don't want the relationship to end, but I know it cant continue as it is... so I am still going to go for counselling if he wont come with me, it might take a 3rd party to help me.

We still have not discussed what WE are going to do.

Stercus... you a few weeks ago? What did you decide to do?

He sounds like my ex too. He twisted everything to be my fault, and when we first split up he said he wouldn't see the DCs.
We are now 11 years down the line, I have remarried and have a 2 yr old. My DDs have grown up to be happy girls, who do see their father regularly, and with whom I now have a friendly relationship (although it was strained for a long time!).

With hindsight I can see that ex was insecure, and everything was about him, and he perceived slights when they just didn't exist. When we split he threatened all sorts of things to try to regain control over me. One of the final straws for me was when he was abusive towards me in front of DD1 who was 3 at the time, and I realised I didn't want her growing up thinking that behaviour was normal.

I had tried Relate - I went on my own as he wouldn't come with me. After we split, he did agree to go, but by then I just wanted out, and they weren't keen on seeing us as he had obvious issues with anger.

You do have to remove yourself from this situation, and take control. His behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to learn that. Good Luck.

he says he knows it is unacceptable (although I have not had an apology), but he says as I am the only one he is like this around, it must be because of our relationship.

I have tried to make him see that all relationships have strains and fights, but them escalating to that level is because he loses it, and that is his issue
Also, I know he has lost it with someone else in the past but that was the end of that.

He thinks the only way to stop it is to separate, he obviously doesn't think this behaviour would recur in any further relationship

I think part of the problem is that this is the only serious relationship I have been in (12 years now), so I don't know any different. I think for a long time I thought I was lucky to have him. The irony is that the more time goes on, the more I realise he is actually the lucky one to have me, and his outbursts come from an insecurity within himself. I am pretty secure with who I am, that is probably why I am still able to be in this relationship. Not condoning it.