Is anyone else worried that their DH might be getting a bit depressed?

[knackeredandworried]

My namechange is probably a bit dramatic, as this is still a recent thing at the moment. But DH has been really distant recently. It's been a couple of weeks since we last really connected and I feel as though we are coexisting, rather than properly living together. He is normally very affectionate, but we haven't been kissing or hugging, except when I initiate it, and even then it's feels as though he's getting it over with. We haven't had any kind of conversation for ages. I sometimes try to start chatting but he obviously isn't interested.

As far as I know, nothing is going horribly wrong for us at the moment. DH is a bit worried about the economy and I know that he feels the pressure of being the sole income-earner in the family, even though he is very happy to have me stay at home with our two small children. When he does talk, he is ranting about the state of the nation and he is very angry with Gordon Brown. We are financially fine right now though, and we could even cope for a while if DH did lose his job (which isn't on the cards). I know that he compares our lives to those of our peers and we're not so comfortable, but we are still much better off than loads and loads of other people.

I would like to talk to him about it, as I feel completely in the dark, but he has always really hated talking about problems. His way of dealing with them is to clam up and sulk for a while. I'm happy to let him do that if I know what's wrong, but right now I'm scared to bring things up and make him worse. I have been tiptoing around him and trying to be a Stepford wife instead, which I realise is ridiculous.

I suppose the thing that's bothering me most is how sudden this all is. DH has always had a tendency to grumpiness, but it was a standing joke with us and we used to laugh about it. Just a month ago, we were chatting about how lucky we are to have such lovely children and looking forward to our baby sleeping through the night so that I'll have more energy for our sex life.

Any suggestions?

there doesn't have to be a particular 'trigger' for depression - depression can be reactive or clinical...

My Dh went through a depressive period about 18 months ago. It isn't easy when they are non-communicative, to even establish whether it is depression or something else!

Although he wouldn't have voluntarily admitted he might be depressed, when I made the right ocassion for us to be able to talk frankly, in a relaxed setting, he opened up a lot and agreed that he might be depressed.

His diet was awful, he got no exercise, he was very unhappy at work and demotivated, he smoked and drank too much....
I helped him find some free counselling (bu I was fortunate eough to find a really funky male counsellor who had a very 'motivational' style, which i knew DH would respond to better than a 'toughy-feeling' type, IYKWIM.

Things are vastly better now, even though DH made the decision to pack in his job, realising it was affecting his mental wellbeing. It was scary - and we were horribly skint for a long time - but it was worth it to get the ol DH back.

Good luck, I hope you can persuade your DH to open up to you. That's the first step.

knackeredandworried - it may not be depression yet but definitley seems like quite severe stress. Prolonged stress can lead to Depression and other mental illnesses. Just posted elsewhere about the pressure men can put themselves under being the 'sole bread winner' and especially in this economic environment.

My advice is do not tip toe around him. Drag it out of him if you can - even if it means a big arguement. His grumpiness is not 'sulking' but definitley signs of someone struggling. Low sex drive is definitely a sign of stress too.

Ask him straight. Are you worried about work. Talk. Definitley talk.

mollyroger - glad you persuaded DH to give up work. I have several friends where the wife persuaded their DH to do that. Being willing to say to your man that you are prepared to take the drop in lifestyle is a very brave but crucial way of lifting the huge burden of 'providing' that many men feel they must carry alone.

Agree with ABetaDad - he sounds very stressed and that can spill over into depression.

Does he have outlets for his stress? Does he exercise? Do you get out together or separately with friends? Does he seem to enjoy anything at all?

You need to talk properly about it - it can be a thankless task harping on and on when he doesn't want to talk, but communication is really important - without it the wedge between you just gets bigger.

My DH is a SAHD - this came about when he decided to leave work after a bout of depression, brought on by stress. It was hard and he didn't talk about it for ages. Finally I got him to go to his GP and it started improving from there.

Thank you for the replies. Thing is, DH has changed his job. I was very supportive of that decision. He's now working regular hours (instead of evenings and weekends too) and appreciated for what he does. He's very good at his job and has been very successful. I do know that the atmosphere in work hasn't been too good recently though, which can't be helping. Does anyone have a good work environment now with the economy looking so fragile?

My stomach sinks everytime I see him as I wonder what I'll have done wrong this time. It's usually a lack of housework. I am up in the night with our baby and have a toddler too so my standards have dropped. Not that I was ever very wonderful! I am struggling to find the guts to bring it up and be in the wrong again.

The past two days he has smiled once or twice when our children have done something funny. That gives me hope that he hasn't sunk too far.

I can say from experience that if I have had a crapola day at work and come home to a mess, it does my head in.

If I'm being reasonable, obviously I don't get worked up about it (after all, I know what it's like being at home with dc and up at night too) but if I am feeling stressed I have been known to have a go at dh about the mess.

Stress and depression make you lose your perspective and empathy for others. I think that is what's happening with your dh.

Does he regret the job change? Or has it not "fixed" the problem perhaps?

The job change was a while ago and he has always said that he was really happy about it. It was another standing joke that we kept going on about what a great decision it was. He has always kept me well informed about the stressful side of work, up until now. There were lay-offs in another side of the business, for example, and for a while we didn't know if DH's sector would be affected too.

We have discussed the housework before now. I don't feel that it's fair if all of it is down to me (as he has a normal hours job and I have two young DCs and do all the nights). But he feels as though coming home isn't relaxing if he has to do it. He does always do his fair share with our DCs in the evening and usually the housework too, although that has diminished since he's been like this. As he has very high standards and his Mum did everything in the house I don't think that it will ever be a non-issue for us. I do up my game when I have the energy, but right now I'm shattered most of the time. Obviously that won't br forever.

Better go and tidy away the toys before DH gets home.

knackeredandworried - your comment on cleaning up is interesting. People living under severe stress find tiny inconsequential things totally overwhelming. I have suffered from a stressful job in the past and I know that feeling.

If it was not 'mess' it would be 'noise' or 'people visiting the house' or something else. It is not your fault this is happening (not DHs fault either) and tidying up, tip toeing round and avoiding making him grumpy is not really fair on you.

The underlying stress is the issue and getting him to open up (not easy) or going to get counselling or at least seeing teh GP is really the first step.

Not wishing to lecture you by the way. I know it is a hard thing to get the person to recognise the problem. I wish you and DH well.

OP - I could have written your post. DH has been low for months. He is fed up at work and a bit stuck since it isn't a great time to move. We also have a newborn (and toddler) so are both tired, sex is non-existent and rarely even sleeping in same bed. Definitely relate to the "coexisiting" feeling.

I fluctutate between worrying I am not being very supportive and wishing he would snap out of it as it is very drainined looking after two little ones all day then having a miserable, distracted husband arrive home in the evening.

I wish I knew the answers, but I don't! Just thought I'd let you know you are not alone and say thanks for raising the issue.

Good luck and a big hug...

Dh gets recurrent depression. He totally retreats into himself when he is low and mess is a massive trigger for him.

What has helped us is a cleaner once a week and getting a babysitter so we can go out the odd evening. Also DH has perked up massively since he started regular exercise - we've both started running and I've been able to goad him into keeping that up because he'd feel like a wimp if he couldn't run further than me.

It's very hard when they go all uncommunactive.

This thread has been really useful. I had always seen his comments on the mess as a direct criticism of me - that I'm too lazy to spend my days cleaning. He has always been nice about asking me - he's a nice person - but it would make things so much easier if he could say "I'm stressed and this is making me feel worse" and then together we could prioritise what I get done when I'm not doing stuff directly with the DCs or sitting down drinking tea exhausted ().

Daffodilly
It's interesting that you're going through the same thing. I wish that you weren't, even though it's nice to hear that I'm not alone! I get fed up with it sometimes, even though if he is very stressed and possibly even depressed then that's not his fault and I do want to help him get through it (if he'll let me).

DH was on Mumsnet last night and I was very concerned that he'd read this thread. I think that it's likely that he would see it as a betrayal of him that I have posted very personal (and not very flattering) things about him. I don't know what to do though. I cope by talking about things and I can't talk to anyone in real life.

I think you are right about the mess thing, it may be that your DH is not accusing you of being lazy.

We have talked about this problem before and my DH says that he feels it is a direct criticism of him if I walk in and sigh or complain about the house. Just as you say, he feels like I am accusing him of laziness.

It actually has nothing to do with him - it's just that I walk in feeling v stressed and I really can't cope with the mess and the noise and the clutter. I waited all day to get away from the stress of work - and guess what, more stress at home.

It is really the stress that's the problem, not the toys lying around.

It's very hard when you can't talk about stuff - I am like you, I cope by talking about everything.

This sounds really awful, but I usually text DH a quick list of priority tasks in the morning. Some people might feel patronised by that but he likes it, helps him to organise his day.

Also he isn't that bothered by mess so he doesn't mind what he does first, whereas I have a clear idea of what the important jobs are for me.

It's done on the understanding that he might not manage to get them all done and I have to be nice to him when I get home.

But I am concentrating on the housework issue when really it's the underlying stress that needs to be tackled.

my ex was clinically depressed for a few eyars bfor he really exploded -it jsut got very wearisome....

you could try:

get a cleaner

get a babysitter and go out to talk

have him and you do regular exercise - running, jogging whatever...

"When he does talk, he is ranting about the state of the nation and he is very angry with Gordon Brown." that kind of thing can get very tiring to hear all the time -- my ex moaned constantly about everything.... can he rant on a dailymail forum instead?

My God! He's not doing Daily Mail quality ranting yet! That might be divorce material.

I have actually suggested doing stuff like writing to government ministers to let them know how he feels. Doing something about things always helps me. But it isn't always easy when you're exhausted, I understand.

The comment about exercise is really interesting. He has commented recently about gaining weight and he's not happy about it (even though I think he still looks good). It could kill two birds with one stone.

Exercise is a must.

My dh went out for a run tonight - just for 20 mins - and then DD had a meltdown before bed. I could hardly contain my anger and had to leave her to DH. He was sooo chilled with her and got her calmed down. He is a different person when he runs.