DH is having affair. Was still denying it until I came up with evidence in front of him. Some of the lies he told were just laughable and for whatever reason I chose to believe him. Even now he is still lying and I don't know why because the fact that he IS having an affair is out in the open. He won't give me any details. Not details like what they got up to but who she is, how old she is, when he sees her. He is lying about where she lives despite me having evidence he is lying.
A few weeks ago we had a big meltdown where he didn't said he thought there was no hope for our relationship at all and we ought to split up. That came as a complete shock because we get on so well and never argue. I thought everything was more or less perfect up to that point, as perfect as any marriage can be.
He said he'd lost his feelings for me, that he didn't love me any more and there was no spark. We are going to Relate and have had a couple of sessions there. At Relate I felt it was all a bit of a character assassination and that he was suggesting things were all my fault. The counsellor seemed to be focussing on things that happened years ago that I didn't think were in any way relevant but I thought she must know best.
So I found out about the affair and I said well we're already going to relate and you don't think this is relevant. He said he is 100% committed to sorting out our marriage!. At this point he said having the affair is helping our marriage by making it better, and he seemed to have to intention of stopping seeing her. He says he doesn't want to leave me and be with her, then he says he will stop seeing her.
I've tried pointing out to him that in a new relationship he is going to feel more of a spark than he does in a lengthy marriage but he can't grasp that.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what is true and what isn't. I don't know when he is seeing OW. He says he hasn't told her we are going to relate. I bet he has.
First he said he needed emotional support from the affair, then he said it was all about sex. He said he loved her in a text I found. He hasn't been participating fully in family life for some time but I thought it was work. And as for it being all about sex, I have tried to have more sex with him countless times. I always have to initiate. His idea of initiating is to grab my breasts when I am cooking and then make some comment about never getting sex. I think he might be using a different approach with OW. We do have regular sex and I can just imagine him whining to this woman that he never gets a shag at home
I had recurring thrush a few months ago and when it didn't clear up I started to wonder if it was thrush and I gave him the chance to speak up then, saying I needed to know for my health if he had been with anyone else. Obviously I need to go and get tested. He says he uses condoms but I don't believe him. He doesn't even rememeber that we need to use condoms. I always have to remind him and he is quite daft about things like that.
The worst bit is that I think he went on holiday with her when I had a 2wk old newborn and I think he might have a child with her. I'm still trying to find out about that.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't want to tell any of my friends. I want to work this out but really, it's in his court now. He could quite easily say he has stopped seeing her but not.
I'm most shocked by his ability to lie. I never thought he had it in him. I would trust him with my life and he's done this to me.
In a way I feel better know I know it is and affair because I was puzzled at all these things supposedly wrong with the marriage that I didn't know about.
I don't know where to go from here. I need to have a good talk with him but he won't be in until late. I wanted him to take a sickie so we could talk uninterrupted but he was horrified by the very suggestion, fine upstanding man that he is . Suspect OW is at work with him.