long distance relationship - AIBU to feel upset?

[european]

Well, first time on mumsnet and not even having kids (yet but was recommended this website as a great place for advice.
My DP is from London and I spent about 2 years in the UK in total (not there at the moment so we have a distance relationship, seeing each other once a month and calling every day - not perfect, but temporarily ok). We´ve known each other for 3 years, been together for about a year and are facing a decison what to do in future. I love him to bits, he is a lovely guy and I can see myself having a family with him etc.etc., he loves me as well, you know what I mean. BUT he made it very clear that he is not ever moving out of London, firstly because he has his kids from his first marriage there (so I understand it and would not ask him to move permanently full-time to my country), secondly he has a good career over there, so it is understandable...but I really feel upset that he just made this decision for himself, although he knows that I hate London - well not hate, I can certainly live there part-time or for 5 years or so - but never ever for the rest of my life, even the thought of it brings me down. He mentioned during his last visit in my country that he understands how upset I will be leaving all that and he appreciates all the sacrifice I will do to live with him - no discussion, no trying to find a solution for us both, just something that sounds like "well I´m not moving so either you move or we can break up, full stop" - so AIBU unreasonable to feel really upset?? He says "I´m a Londoner and I wouldnt be happy anywhere else", like if it was something above my happiness when we should be equal. Later on he said he really wants to be with me and we will try to find a way to suit us both even though it will be hard - surely he is not prepared to do 50% sacrifice with me doing 50%, he would love that if I did 100%.
So I don´t know what to do, I would love to make it work because he is such a lovely man (apart from this what seems a bit selfish imho) but no idea how! Anyone out there with some kind of encouraging experience? For example going back to your country maybe for a week every month or so? Or is that really silly?

Sorry, but it does sound a tiny bit as if he is putting more priority on WHERE he lives than WHO he livs near or with...I think.

Otherwise, why couldn't you both live somewhere esle in the south east (Obviously I don't know which bit of London he's in so can't really make any suggestions!). He'd still be near his DCs, and he could still develop property in London, and you could both still take advantage of the good things London has to offer, while escaping the not so good things.

And why would it have to be a permenant decision? Why can't he EVER leave London? I mean, you could both live NEAR London till his kids leave for uni etc then live wherever you like, surely? Unless it's actually really about him wanting to live in London and expecting you to fit in with that?

BTW, I'm not sure that you both living in a completely different country is a compromise that leaves you equally disadvantaged - because if he want to live in the same country as his DCs, which is quite understandable and to be comended, he'd have made a far greater compromise.

was thinking the same as fourkids

a compromise to be equal would need to be something that only moved him a short distance from his kids (not to another country), but still made you feel that he was making an effort to think of your happiness

if I were you I would not want to be the person who made him live in a different country from his kids

my db does this and though it is nobody's fault, he gets more miserable every year at the thought of his ds growing up and on all he is missing out

millions of people live perfectly happily in London, true

millions of people also commute into London

If he has kids living there then I can appreciate why he doesn't envisage moving. He is also being honest about that. But that does not mean you are completely entitled to feel upset and disappointed. However from what you've said it doesn't seem clear that is simply down to the kids. He just seems very set (but then you also seem set against London).

I would also stress how London is a bunch of different neighbourhoods with a ton of different atmospheres. I live 5 min walk from a tube station which is 40min to St Pauls Cathedral and I really do feel like I live in a village. Friendly people, the local school is fabulous, tons of green space. There are options and that's not even considering the towns that are outside London but still offer access to London. (The book 'Commuterland' is handy for that). The compromise might be somewhere not strictly in London but easy to travel from.

Fourkids, this is the kind of compromise that I would hope for! I never ever said that I want him to move right now far far away. I know his kids need their daddy, and I wouldnt love someone who thought it was ok to abandon his kids! So I was trying to suggest that temporarily we live in London (i.e.until the kids go to uni and are old enough) and then we move to my country or any other place that makes us both happy. But no, his answer being that he wont promise me something he cant keep.
Basically his first reason not to ever move is the kids - something he knows I understand and cant object (and wouldnt). But as I said before, a couple of months back he was even considering buying a property in Spain for the kids and their mum to live in because "maybe they would have a better quality life in there and I could see them quite often and easily" - so suddenly its not such an issue. Btw he really is a great dad to them and cares about them a lot..but Im starting to see that hes quite happy to mention them as a way to make me feel guilty when Im concerned about something (in a way "you know I cant do anything about it because of the kids") Well, the next reason is always his work, that he wouldnt be able to earn that much anywhere else etc.
And just in case I dont like that explanation, he adds that he is a Londoner and wouldnt be happy anywhere else.

I can't help thinking that he is seeing this as you slotting into his existing life, which will carry on much as it did before except with you there as well. Rather than the two of you starting a new life together. Is he even thinking of moving to a new house/flat, or would you just be moving into his place? There's a lot about this that I'd be uncomfortable with - it's true that as you get older, you have more baggage, and when you go into a relationship with anyone with a past, you do inherit all of that - ex-wives, children, friends, habits everything. But there has to be some give-and-take on both sides to make it work.

Thanks AMumInScotland, I feel exactly the same, he doesnt want to change a single bit about his current life and I am supposed to completely turn mine round. But when I talk about it, I get accused that he cant change his life because of the children involved and I knew it from the start so have to accept it
So AIBU? I obviously don`t have kids, perhaps I would understand better if I did. But I really think he should make some effort for me to feel comfortable, if he wants us to stay together.

I think you need to have a serious talk with him about how he sees things if you did move in together - obviously there are some aspects which are non-negotiable, but maybe it would give you a feel for how he sees this relationship going from here. If he sounds like everything about his life will of course stay just the same, then I think you have your answer, because there must be parts of it that could change without affecting his relationship with his children, and in those he should be bending over backwards to accomodate you. If he isn't thinking in those terms, you know where you stand, and will have to decide whether you want to be in that opsition or not.

I'm sorry but I think the moment you mentioned he has kids from his first marriage who live in London then any argument you might make went out of the window. His kids must come first, he must be close to them, end of imo. If you want to be with him then thats something you have to deal with, not him. I'm absolutely on his side on that one, sorry

As other posters have said there are compromises to be made in terms of area in London, areas outside the city etc. Would a second home and split residency be an option? Hope you find a way through this