what if you and your partner have conflicting desires about life choices???

[peanutbrittle]

so, the history :we moved to a big city from our home country 15 years ago, we were both in our 20s and finished our university degrees and it felt like a good/fun thing to do.

The present: We've now got two kids, a mortgage, jobs etc and it feels like we could just stay here forever.

Neither of us is blissfully happy but I think DH is fairly content with his lot (except for threat of redundancy hanging over him at the moment - we shou;d know in next month or so).
There are great things about being here - I have lots of friends, a few really close ones, here. There are all the cultural highlights of living in a capital city - though I rarely get to indulge in them.

I've harboured thoughts of moving home for quite a long time, before the kids came I was fairly deeply unhappy here (whether to do with being in the city or something else I cannot be sure). I was home again over Easter and could really see myself living in the countryside there, not too far from a city but in a less pressurised environment, with the kids in local school and with longer summer holidays and shorter school days (the long primary day and short hols here I think contribute to my highly sensitive DD1s near constant state of stress). Of course this would mean one of us would need to be available for the kids more but this is something I'd be happy to do, I think they'd really benefit from it.

I'm fed up with my stressful job in London but don't want to just change it as I don't want a job in this industry (I know, sounds a bit self indulgent in "the current economic climate" when we should all just be glad to have jobs but there you go)and have deep rooted dreams to do something more creative with my life.

I've started to question all the consumerism of modern life and really want to get back to a more simple existence.

I've been on antidepressants for the past two years and my dose has been regularly increased over that time.

My sister thinks I need to get out of the rat race in order to have any hope of getting better. My DH can't bear the idea of moving back. He thinks it would be going backwards.

My point is we never actually decided to live in this city for the rest of our lives, it just happened. I now want to take some time out and actively decide what to do/where to be for the next phase of our lives.

We would probably be able to move back with no mortgage (if we could sell our home here) or else rent the house here out to cover that mortgage and do a kind pof trial period renting back home. If DH doesn't get made redundant he could even get lodgers in our house and I could set up at home and he commute between (he would only need to be in the city 3 days per week)

this is driving me crazy - I find it hard to see wood for trees. My sister is convinced I should go back for sake of mine and kids long term happiness. She is a fairly sensible soul. I've put off thinking about it the past two years as have been trying to stave off the tormented depression thinking too much about this kind of stuff normally creates in me...but we got talking recently and she came clean.

DH thinks I've been brainwashed! But he is fairly happy to meander along ignoring the fact that I taking meds for depression and hate my job. My sister isn't.

any insight/wisdom/experience to share would be most welcomed by this bewildered soul

I think you do have to bear in mind that both of your needs and wishes matter. And, depending on the age of the DC, so do theirs. After all, if you persuade your DH to move to the sticks and then he ends up on ADs because he hates it and misses his friends then it's not actually acheived much.
Have you considered compromises such as moving to the outer suburbs (green space for you but not to far from your DH's friends/job)? Or simply looking for different career options for yourself - if you no longer like the industry you are in, think of what industries you would like to be in and how your existing skills could fit into them.

I feel for you and hope you can resolve this. I really would take some time to sit down with DH to properly chat over the options. Maybe find somewhere out of the city but where there is easy access to everything the city offers you and that way you can have the best of both worlds.
Can't offer much more to help TBH but the idea of being able to move back, no mortgage and easing the depression would certainly make me want to really think hard about going down that route......health is a massive factor and this really ought to be the priority for you AND your DH (by that I mean he should take it as seriously as you and your sister do). Good luck.

solid - it's beacuse I do acknowledge that both our needs and desires matter that I am still here! DH doesn't actually have many friends, either here or in our home country so I don't think that will be a massive problem. Obviously I wouldn't want him to be depressed or on ADs which is why this is a decision I am having so much trouble with

I think it would be better for the kids to move back - they'd have more of a sense of their own identity (at the moment DD1 keeps asking me what nationality she is - I know this isn't a major deal but it niggles a bit!) and the pace of life is more laid back. DD1 generally suffers awful constipation but when we were hoem recently was fine. When we got back to London it kicked in again. Of course that could be more to do with school etc, who knows. she did say she hated the city when we got back but am aware she could be picking stuff up from me though I am trying to be careful and not let her pick up my disatisfaction

just moving out of london to green space wouldn't do it for me...I want to be back in ireland, closer to my broader community of family and friends too (he is from there too, but has less time for his family and few/no friends there)

OK, so how about a compromise the other way round, you move back to Ireland, but to a city rather than way out in the wilds? That way you are nearer your family and yet your DH has the benefits of city life.

I have been in a fairly simialr position to you in that I am Irish and lived in London for about ten years. I got sick of the rat race aspect of living in London especially the horrible commute to and from the suburbs to the centre every day. I also hated the unfriendliness and felt that the wealth of cultural opportunities were passing me by as it was too much of an effort to get to work, home again and then back out to the city and home again at night.

I wouldn't dream of living back in Ireland though, never in a million years *(I hate te small town mentality) and you should be careful not to romaticise it and to remember thst it is ot the same place that you left - if anything people are more consumerist than they are here nowadays. That, and the fact that the country is practically bankrupt, might not be so apparent when you are just holidaying there.

What I did was move to York, compromising almost entirely my career prospects for a much enhanced quality of life. I don't regret that for a second.

My point is that London is not like anywhere else in the UK - and you could move somewhere that you could have the benefits of city living and a better quality of life.

I would be very wary of having a split between you and your kids living in one place and your husband commuting between. That would be very tiring for him and he may end up running two paralell lives.

It doesn't have to come down to a choice between Ireland or London though. The world is your oyster!

apologies for the typos - baby on lap. (A baby I wouldn't have had if I had stayed in London)

I have a similar problem in my "long distance relationship" thread, alhough a bit different - DP Londoner, not willing to compromise and wants me to move in with him and stay there for good. But I imagine that living there would have exactly the same impact on me as you say...and I definetely dont want my children to grow up over there, I want them to have a happy childhood, stable bunch of friends, safe neighbourhood and all that...
I was thinking of doing the same as you (DP commuting) or me doing 2 weeks in my country and 2 weeks in London (with DP coming with us for a week or so, he is self-employed), not sure how realistic that could be...
Well, not much advice from me I´m afraid, just a sympathetic hug and good luck to find your happiness!

Teenagers often prefer city living where they can easily travel to see their friends and there is plenty to do than rural living where they can get bored and isolated. Obviously depends on the child and the exact area but I think there's alot of romanticised thinking and mythology behind the "countryside better for children" thinking.
Only being able to cope with your current life on antidepressants obviously isn't a good thing, but sometimes people can think a change of scenery can have more of an effect on your mood than it really does. It is possible to have a less stressful life in a big city. Perhaps you could change your job and lifestyle a bit whilst leaving content husband in his and see if that improves things.

I have been thinking about this lately for myself and one thought that came up was that I actually think my dcs, who are going to be moving into their teens, will be safer in a city with more activities to offer than with the sort of rural market town I grew up in where there was nothing to do except get sloshed.

One thing that no-one else has asked- why are you on ADs?

You need to get to the bottom of that first- is it because your job is too stressful? do you not have enough time for "you"?

Reading your post made me wonder if you see moving back to the country as a panacea for all that is wrong with your life now- and maybe you are using the children as pawns in that scenario?

Are you DCs really stressed- or are they picking up your stress- that is more likely. Children are very flexible, but if they sense their mum is unhappy they will react- with constipation etc! It's a classic scenario, I'm afraid.

Are you looking for a more peaceful, rural life- or are you saying you hate your job- or both?

Why not change your job first, explore the suburbs- there are plenty of people who commute to London from where I live and have a lovely rural, village life, yet are 30 mins from London by train.

And to agree withthe other posters- my DCS hated living in a village as teenagers and we spent forever taxi-ing them into towns and to stations!

I amjust worried that you have romanticed village/ruralliving, and are not being analytical enough over WHAT it is you are unhappy with.

it seems to be a mix of hating your job, idealising the life you once had in Ireland,
feeling pushed for time etc, and soon.

Do you think all of this would be solved by a change of location? somehow I think you might be disappointed.

I was in your position about five years ago. I was living in London in a tiny one bedroomed flat with my husband and baby, and was utterly miserable. I had a well paid job, but I got a new boss who was an utter cowbag, and I just started to spiral downwards, until one day I couldn't get out of bed. We had been discussing a move and were considering Bristol or Exeter, when we went to visit my husband's family in County Cork. On the plane back to London we were unhappy to be going home, and the penny dropped! So we moved here, and while there have been a few issues, in general its been fantastic! Our standard of living is just so much higher, we are ten minutes drive from the city centre, countryside, and my work, and twenty minutes to the closest of many beaches. We have a lovely big house with a garden that we could never have afforded in London, and I've gained two hours a day by not having a London commute!

On the negative side, it took a while for me to get work, and that was 5 years ago. There are very very few jobs going at the minute - and I found it impossible to get employment arranged while I was still in the UK - the Irish employers seem to want to have a look at you before employing you. Oh, and you need to like rain. But I'm delighted we made the leap, I really love it here. I wouldn't move straight to te countryside though, you WILL be thought of as a blow in. . That's why we moved to Cork City, its got it all I reckon.

thanks everyone for your thought provoking responses

glastocat - funnily enough it I am from Cork! glad to hear the move back went well for you. I'd love to live in cork again, proximity to beaches is the thing for me. I never quite realised I was leaving for good when we left.

yes, it is probably true I am guilty of a bit of romanticisation but I do see the negatives. I don't like the mono-ethnicity of Ireland, although that has changed to some extent thankfully the small mindedness regarding it remains in spades. I know it can be insular. And I have often thought myself that city life is better for teenagers. So maybe we could/should compromise and move to Cork city...

at the moment I think I need some peace, quiet and space though. Apart from physical space the mental space that comes from not being under the financial/work/mortgage pressure i am under here. It is hard to change things while we are in London as we need every penny of my salary to pay the mortgage and keep us in the custom we are used to (NOT grand btw) Dh doesn't earn enough alone

in an ideal world I would be using my fine art degree and interest (and ability) with crafts and creative stuff to make a living for myself, but is hard to make that cut the mustard here...although I did get talking to a friend this evening about maybe training myself to develop websites (I have an alternative background in programming and IT) and doing some stuff on my own as a move away from my more managerial corporate role (the one that is slowly strangling me) so maybe I do just need to give that a proper try. I am a great one for thinking these things and never finding the energy to make them happen though. Unfortunately.

Anyway, this question may turn out to be an academic one as DH and I have had a big rown this evening and I came home to find he has gone to sleep in the spare room. Am starting to feel I might be better off on my own anyway!

sorry you had a row

I just had a few more thoughts_

I can see why you are considering consumersim etc if every penny that you both earn is needed to keep afloat in London; if this is a long-term situation, then it could be very wearing.

My thinking is this:
*if you have to stay in your current jobs in the short term, can you at least consider moving out of LOndon and commute- have you looked at what you could buy and if this would save you money?

*Have either of you looked for jobs either side of London- eg both Surrey and Herts are close enough to enjoy the benefits of London, but have lovely villages and a more rural lifestyle in places.

• Could either of you find jobs that mean working from home, so that you could move out of LOndon but cut down the commuting for part of the week?

I feel itis vital that you do not consider yourselves "stuck"- what you have is changeable, but that might mean moving to a smaller house out of the city, downsizing in some way and having a different lifestyle for a while.

It might also mean that both of - or at least one of you- makes a huge effort to find a job out of London.

I do feel that your depression is linked to your inability to tap into your creative side. I don't think you should ignore that.

Have you thought about trying to develop that in a small way and running it alongside your full time work, so that in time you could maybe work a day or so less and make up the money by selling your art etc? I do know people who have done that.

It might mean juggling a lot initially, but it would give you the creative outlet you obviously need.

I am sure that whatever you both decide will be a compromise for one of you, but that is so for many couples.

thanks so much for your kind words and wisdom howtotellmum

you are right that things are very wearing at the mo, and I think unsustainable without me going so high on meds I ultimately go BANG!

responding to your suggestions:

*if you have to stay in your current jobs in the short term, can you at least consider moving out of LOndon and commute- have you looked at what you could buy and if this would save you money?

• we haven't - tbh I am not interested in living just outside london, am not convinced the benefits would outweigh leaving friends etc - would be different if moving home where friends and family etc already are, It's a combination of that wider family/old friends community AND the quieter pace of life I am after

*Have either of you looked for jobs either side of London- eg both Surrey and Herts are close enough to enjoy the benefits of London, but have lovely villages and a more rural lifestyle in places.

• same answer really

• Could either of you find jobs that mean working from home, so that you could move out of LOndon but cut down the commuting for part of the week?

• My DH does work from home 3-4 days a week. He IS currently content and doing teh career he always wanted to. I am the one doing the long commutes, hating my job and juggling everything. But I think you are right and I need to shift my own balance more to negate the long commute and stress...

• I feel itis vital that you do not consider yourselves "stuck"- what you have is changeable, but that might mean moving to a smaller house out of the city, downsizing in some way and having a different lifestyle for a while.

• you are right. a year or so ago I tried to persaude DH to downsize IN london, moveto a smaller house, halve our mortgage etc so that I could try to make things work on teh more creative front for me but he was too reluctant, felt it would be depressing to live in smaller house etc. We could have got a small house on estate for half what our current victorain terraced thing is worth, in exactly the same area so no big changes for the kids, but he wouldn't

• I do feel that your depression is linked to your inability to tap into your creative side. I don't think you should ignore that.

• I totally agree

• Have you thought about trying to develop that in a small way and running it alongside your full time work, so that in time you could maybe work a day or so less and make up the money by selling your art etc? I do know people who have done that.

• yes, and thank you for reminding me that this is possible (again - the issue of not feeling stuck being so important)

• It might mean juggling a lot initially, but it would give you the creative outlet you obviously need.

• having read all the really helpful responses on here, and had a good long think I've decided not to do anything drastic short term but to get a med-long term plan organised that focusses on retooling myself to be able to work free lance in web development, as well as working on a small range of craft items and setting up an online shop to see how they do...

both of these should work wherever I end up moving

I am also starting pscyhotherapy in May so will give myself a chance to try to get the most out of what that can offer me in terms of trying to understand where the depression is coming from before I force any big issues

• I am sure that whatever you both decide will be a compromise for one of you, but that is so for many couples.

• of course!

thanks again - the shared wisdom of mumsnet (and my lovely sister) have really helped me see the wood for the trees on this

now, any wise woman out there fancy being my mentor as I try to work out the finer details of this short-medium term plan and put it into action???