Messed up BIL in oz - what should we do? Any ideas welcome please!

[afinemess]

My DH and ILs are worried sick about BIL and we keep going around in circles trying to work out what to do, without coming to any conclusions.

BIL went to a city in Australia for a year-out ten years ago. He met and married an Australian (since split up) and really has done a load of dead end jobs since going. The photos on Facebook and comments from him suggest that he's basically spent the last 10 years living a studenty type life (drunk, shared houses, looks like he could do with a good bath). His parents have been worried for a while.

About 6 months ago he rang us (a very rare thing) asking for money and saying he was in a 'bad place' - DH spent ages talking to him, he said he couldn't get work and needed to pay his rent. DH said that we would lend him money but that he had to get his act together and come up with a sort of life plan. He never rang us back - at the time I thought it was because we wouldn't just send him free money.

I did know that his parents had been sending him money. But didn't know how much - they have just told us it was about £3K in last few months (this is effectively the whole of their savings and MIL wages). BIL has lied to them to get more money saying that he was in a car accident and broke leg so couldn't work. Truth was he had a car crash in rented car when drunk. Police were involved. No broken bones.

Have been in contact with an exGF (still his friend)who says she is very worried about him, he seems to be vacant, says the alcohol has got hold of him and he's losed his shared house as he just disappeared (they boxed his stuff and let his room out). She was meant to go to the police with him but he didn't turn up. She says she'll keep trying to get hold of him. There have been a lot more lies but this is the worst.

So (thanks for reading this far!) what can we do? DH was considering going out - but no guarentee of finding BIL and they don't really get on. Thought of sending ticket home over (ex would give it to him) - but got to get him on the plane and he is saying he's lost his passport. Were going to ring the police but not sure if they would do anything. Any ideas?

Im so sorry but he is a grown man so I don't know what you can do

fgs, don't any of you fly out there

he will disappear

can he be encouraged to come back home?

sorry, missed your penultimate sentence

he doesn't want to be helped does he?

not a lot you can do, I'm afraid

Yes, I know that but it's difficult to tell his parents that. Just wondering if there was one last ditch thing that we can do.

To be honest I don't particularly like him but keep thinking what I would do in the same situation when my DC are adults.

Feel for ILs - they live a long way away (takes us at least 8 hours to get there) and they haven't really got anything else to think about.

any more friends/room-mates/family out there you can contact?

could you get his parents to write to him, spelling out their distress? He might be more likely to read a letter?

am struggling to think of anything else tbh

Agree with AF, whatever you do, don't let anyone fly out there.

Sounds like he's an alcoholic.

Really wish I could suggest something practical and positive. Sorry.

Thanks - I like the letter idea - will suggest it.

He's definately an alcoholic - but it seems to be a bit of a family thing as various other family members all seem to lean on alcohol too much. Guess it's learnt behaviour.

If you send a ticket he will probably sell it or something. I think that his brother should go and try to find him and bring him home (although if that does happen it would probably only be the beginning of your troubles)

Maybe the guy feels like a failure and can't face his family? Maybe also he has hit rock bottom and needs someone to help him?

If only for the sake of his poor desperate parents you do need to do something. If his brother went over there and he refused to come home or he couldn't be found then you know you have done all you can. Better that than hear that he has been found in the gutter - which unfortunately sounds like a possibility right now.

He is a grown up but grown ups need help sometimes.

nooooo, do not^ fly out there

you would be just throwing good money after bad !

he is an adult, he is entitled to fuck his life up if he wants to

well, he might not want to, but you get me drift.....

Will get DH to read this - pretty much going in the same circles as we've been in already. Hadn't thought about him selling the ticket (this is all new to me!).

I don't think he's too worried about facing the family as he's still asking for money from them.

Thanks for your views, I don't think there is a right answer but it helps to hear from non involved people.

You cannot save someone who does not want to be saved. Whether they live in the next street or half the world away.

Bless you both for caring.

Its hard when someone is drinking there is no way to get through the fog, they dont hear what you say and they dont care either, my ex is an alcoholic, I deal with his selfishness every week.

Give him a little time, let him know through who ever will help that you care and that you are worried and that you arent angry, and wait, eventually you will hear, good or bad, news always comes.

I understand you want to go out, but unless you are sure that he is ready for help, it will be a wasted journey, accept what he is, and accept that you can not make a difference only he can, love doesnt have to fix everything, you can love someone by just waiting until they are ready.

If your DH goes to Aus it will be a wasted journey.

Do not enable BIL by giving him money or a plane ticket. His parents enabling him as they have done not done them (or their son for that matter) any favours whatsoever. All enabling does is give the people doing this a false sense of control.

My ILs are also trapped in the cycle of denial too and it is very difficult. Alcoholism affects not just the individual but everyone close to that person.

There are no guarantees here; even if he hits rock bottom (and his life certainly is on the skids) he may still decide to carry on drinking and take advantage of anyone who tries to help him.

This is hard to accept but you cannot help anyone who may not ultimately want to be helped. This is his choice. Please do not throw good money away after bad on this individual. That may sounds very harsh (and indeed it is) but if you really want to help him do not bail him out in any way, shape or form.

Alcoholism can indeed run in families and be learnt behaviour. Al-anon could be worth contacting as they can advise family members of alcoholics.

Thank you for your advice - living with an alcoholic must be hell.

I'm going to find the details of al-anon now.