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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need to break up with someone :-(

24 replies

LoveMySorrow · 21/04/2009 14:34

I've been seeing someone for a few months and despite the initial "wow, we have everything in common" thing, I don't think I want to continue with it.

I am not physically attracted to him, partly because he does nothing to take care of himself. He just eats crap all the time, wears scruffy clothes with holes in when we're going out etc...

He doesn't listen either when I talk. Unless it's something he really wants to talk about he'll either butt in mid sentance and change the subject or just make a standard "responce" noise and nothing else.

Another thing is that he is CONSTANTLY slagging off his ex wife. Really bitterly, calls her "arse-face" in front of his DD etc.

Last time I was sleeping there he got out of bed. I was still in bed stroking the cat and was paying no attention to him at all. He then said "argh, I hate boxer shorts, things tend to come out when they're not supposed to" so I was like " yeah ... " my attention back to the cat and he shouted out "oops" I turned and he said "sorry about that" and started re-arranging his shorts. I was thinking "wtf, I'm not even looking at you, why make such a fuss?" it was like he was doing it on purpose and it just really annoyed me.

Another thing was that he once mentioned us moving in together and said "If that ever happened, you could get a full time job" he currently works 16 hours a week from 5am until 7am so spends the entire day at home.

And then there's the whole diet issue (see my AIBU thread).

I just can't be bothered with this. Relationships shouldn't be this trying so early on, surely?

How do I tell him though? He's a little 'obsessed' with me and always tells me how hard it is for him to get through the day without seeing me etc. It's going to really hurt him I think

OP posts:

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 21/04/2009 14:37

Bloody hell, run away now. He sounds utterly inadequate, and you do not owe him caretaking just because you've dated him for a month or two.
Just say to him, look, this isn't working out, best of luck, and walk away. Tell yourself that it might shock him into taking some action over his diet, grooming, wellbeing etc - but if it doesn't, that's still neither your fault nor your problem.

And - I don't want to be harsh here but - why not address what it is about you that made you want to give a total loser like he sounds, even a second date? It;s not compulsory to have a partner, so why not be happily single until you find one who is in reasonable physical and mental health, with social skills and manners?

AMumInScotland · 21/04/2009 14:43

For "obsessed" I think you could exchange "needy" - run like the wind girl! If it was just the diet, well maybe something could be done, but this guy sounds like a total loser in all departments. Unless you feel like taking on a basket-case, now is the time to say "Look, it's not working out" and getting the hell out of there.

As sgb says, that might actually be the catalyst for him realisisng he needs to sort himself out, but given that he's an adult already, more likely he'll just keep looking for another mug to put up with him.

MuffinBaker · 21/04/2009 14:45

Just tell him you don't want to see him anymore and finish it.

YanknCock · 21/04/2009 17:57

'Relationships shouldn't be this trying so early on, surely?'

Nope. I really don't think they should be.

You're not doing him any favours by continuing the relationship--just gives him more time to latch on to you.

I'd say do it in public, without alcohol, and don't be too specific about your reasons. It's enough at this stage to say 'I just don't think this is working out. I'm not really attracted to you and can't see this going anywhere.' Reason being, if you give him a laundry list and he's as 'obsessed' as you say, he'll just beg for another chance and vow to change all this stuff (and most likely won't do it).

peachyfox · 21/04/2009 18:24

I always say 'it's a chemistry thing' and sigh.

peachyfox · 21/04/2009 18:24

I always say 'it's a chemistry thing' and sigh.

MorrisZapp · 21/04/2009 18:24

Also, be wary of the 'it's not you it's me' line. That might make it seem kinder, but then you can often end up not ending it at all as he talks you round.

It is him, and unfortunately you have to kindly but firmly tell him that. There is no nice or painfree way to do it, but it's only been a few months and you haven't promised him longterm commitment.

peachyfox · 21/04/2009 18:27

I only say it once though {grin]

AnyFucker · 21/04/2009 18:48

yuk, he sounds a bit crap

just tell him your r'ship has run its course and you want to finish it before either of you gets in any deeper

alternatively, tell him he is crap (not really, that would be a bit cruel )

Numberfour · 21/04/2009 18:52

LOL at peachyfox.

Lovemysorrow: ew! just end it. "Sorry but it's not working out. (add the chemistry thing) (don't add the me-not-you thing)"

don't don't don't don't let him talk you out of it.
I agree: don't do it with alcohol
I agree: do it in public

just walk away.
good luck.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 21/04/2009 18:53

Yeah, keep it simple, keep it short, and refuse any further contact. Be polite but very firm about not wanting to be 'just friends' or he will be in your life whining for another change forever. And do remember, you owe him nothing. You can't fix his problems, anyway - only he can do that, and he is NOT your responsibility.

Numberfour · 21/04/2009 18:56

oh, I agree! do NOT go for the "just friends" crap.

It took me YEARS to work that one out (I am old......, well that woman in the mirror is).

Original poster

LoveMySorrow · 21/04/2009 19:15

I'm glad people are seeing what I mean here. I thought I was perhaps being a bit cruel but the longer I spend with him, the more I cringe at the way he behaves and the things he says.

Does anyone get what I mean about the boxer shorts bit? or was that just me? I can sometimes suffer from a lack of humour but I just found that so ... I can't think of the right word. Desperate perhaps?

I feel really guilty. I know I shouldn't but he has told all his family that he is dating me and has shown them pictures of me and everything. And he keeps calling me a 'lady' which for some reason also makes me cringe.

I don't know why I kept it going for so long, he is nice, I do like him as a person and I suppose I enjoyed his company until he started being rude in conversation and cutting me off etc.

I was also impressed with his determination to lose weight, until I realised he had only managed it through surgery and even now after all that, still eats crap and junk because he knows he won't put on any weight until the surgery is removed.

OP posts:

YanknCock · 21/04/2009 19:25

I assumed you meant he thought it was really funny that his knob popped out of his boxers.

I only find this funny when it happens to DH by true accident, and he doesn't notice. Then I point and giggle, and he pretends to be terribly embarassed.

Original poster

LoveMySorrow · 21/04/2009 19:47

but it didn't YanknCock, he just pretended it did for "show". I wasn't even looking at him, I was stroking the cat on the bed so even if it had, I wouldn't have noticed without the dramatics. It was like he was trying to get me to look at his willy, it was wierd.

OP posts:

YanknCock · 21/04/2009 19:52

Definitely weird then.

Purposeful willy waggling seems to be something a lot of blokes do (there was a thread recently), but it seems like it happens much much later in a relationship.

Are/were you at the peeing-with-the-door-open stage?

peachyfox · 21/04/2009 20:07

This guy is staging his knob jokes and that's just not funny.

I pulled DP's pants down in an argument the other day. I won that round but I'm only storing up trouble for the future.

Original poster

LoveMySorrow · 21/04/2009 20:10

That's the phrase I was looking for peachy, "staged". There is nothing worse than a "staged" accident for humour purposes.

OP posts:

vezzie · 21/04/2009 20:36

Everyone is right. But don't forget we need a full debrief from you on this meeting!

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 21/04/2009 20:48

LMS have you a history of crappy relationships, so that you think a man who doesn't actually punch you in the mouth on the first date is 'worth giving a chance too'? Because this man you have been dating sounds pretty unappealing (slobbish, rude, needy, desperate - what was the attraction?) I will own up to having dated some horrors myself but they tended to have good points (ie socially inept but great in bed, lazy and broke but very good looking or whatever).

Springfleurs · 21/04/2009 20:58

Get rid at once.

There seem some very real pointers to a future, really shite relationship there.

Yes it will hurt him but he'll get over it, we all do. Perhaps might work on making him self a little more appealing in the future.

Trebuchet · 21/04/2009 20:59

Oh God get out now if its like this now, what'll he be like when his feet are really under the table?

You could try my favourite method of breaking up with someone- I favour the "drinking a bottle of Taboo(I know I know), falling semi conscious, farting, and mumbling 'you're dumped'," approach...

Overmydeadbody · 21/04/2009 21:05

Don't feel guilty, just dump the guy.

Don't worry about how he's going to deal with the break-up, that's his problem, not yours.

If you aren't attracted to him you are perfectly entitled to end it, say it's a lack of chemistry or you just don't feel anything special towards him, or that you're different people.

You need to value yourself more, don't waste time with people who are a lot of effort or who you don't actually want to spend time with.

Springfleurs · 21/04/2009 21:06

Trebuchet.

I go down the very passive aggressive road of behaving like a complete tw*nt, never returning calls etc and hope they get the message.

I don't mean to be like that I am just terrified of those sort of confrontations.

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