can any of you help me to help a friend?

[sleeplessinstretford]

last night,at 10.15,my mobile rings,it's a girl who i went to college with (but wasn't that friendly with she dated a friend for a while though) she married a guy and they had a baby and when he was 2 she discovered he had a 'secret other life' (was a heroin addict who had been having affairs apparently)anyway,she hoofed him out-he's been clean for 8 years-they got back together 5 years ago and had another son-last night she's sobbing down the phone can she come as she's got nowhere else to go-i said she could and she arrived in a cab (which i paid for) She's in a right state last night-apparently they'd been having a nice evening then it all kicked off about sex (they were about to have sex and he asked if she'd put her skirt over her face?) anyways-he's kicked seven shades of shit out of her-she's at my house now-i don't really know her that well and suspect she's come to me as she's planning to go back anyway and doesn't want any of her 'real friends' to go-what do i advise? (she's asked me if i'll go back to the house with her today-i don't really want to and nor will i let my dp take her incase he goes for him)
apparently the violence has happened before-he's not back on drugs,he says she's a mental control freak (she admitted to 'not letting him out'unless he's to go to work)
what do you think? i don't know about this sort of thing

I think you need to take her to the hospital and get pictures taken of her injuries and then the police. Will she go? Could you persuade her? Are her children with her? It's not safe for them to go back to the house. The police need to get involved- they will arrest him and then she can go back to the house. Poor girl and children

i agree - if you do nothing and it happens again but worse you would not forgive yourself.

she's gone,got her brother to come and collect her and take her back. Apparently he knows what happened last night but wants to 'stay out of it' (nice) He's going back to the house with her today.
I said that the relationship can't go on as it is any longer and that if she wants to continue with him (and it seems she does-if they can sort out the violence etc) then they need help-but i don't know who/how etc. Her main worry is that he's packed and ready to go when she gets back today-says she can't cope without him and she loves him and wants this to work (they've been together a long time) I asked her if he still saw his sponsor from when he was getting clean and her answer? His job is running a fucking drug rehab centre now...and then going home to beat his wife.
i suspect i wont hear from her again- i feel weak for not ringing the police and that i have let her down-however i also didn't want to alienate her as clearly she's running out of options-why the fuck ring me though?? I really don't get it

You're right not to want to alienate her. Just call her or send a text letting her know that you are there for her if she needs you. Only she can make the decision that enough is enough.

Another thought though- do you think the children are safe?

Call Woemn's AId 08082000247. They will be able to advise you. It;s fine to call them when it's someone else who is being abused.

i don't really know her that well-she wasn't a friend at school,we went to college (20 years ago) and she dated a friend of mine then (but for a couple of years or so) i bumped into her last year in a pub in the country with their kids-they seemed nice,she was always sweet enough-they live about 5 miles from us and she's at home with the little one,we had a conversation about maybe doing something with the kids one day and neither of us acted on it.
She thinks the kids are safe-i don't know what's going on,it's all a bit bizarre to call me-so much so that when she said who it was i was racking my brains thinking 'i don't know anyone of that name who would ring me'...all v strange

Maybe she hasn't got anyone else. He may be controlling her to the extent that she has no-one else to turn to or maybe what you said about her not wanting her close friends to know is spot on. Victims of abuse often feel ashamed.

I think she contacted you because you are not close. She doesnt want to tell friends or family as she doesnt want to face up to what has happened or begin to think about leaving the relationship. Maybe she is still in shock.

Will you keep in touch? Just an occasional "how are you" text to leave the door open for her?

OKay, this has never happened to me or anyone I know (that I know of) so perhaps I'm missing something but... she was beaten black and blue by her husband? Surely you have an obligation to tell someone? The police or someone similar? Especially as she's not that good a friend - what's the worst that will happen? She won't ever talk to you again? Well, I could live with that, especially as she's not a good friend, and would feel a lot better knowing someone was checking her out.

As for her brother, I simply cannot imagine any of my siblings, but especially my brothers, allowing that to continue for one second. It boggles the mind.

I posted earlier but it got eaten by the system... I do think you would get some good advice from Women's Aid: I also think that it's possible she called you because everyone else has kind of given up on her as she is not helping herself by repeatedly going back to this man, saying she loves him and they can work it out, as it sounds like it's been going on a long time - this would explain the brother's attitude, as well.

Personally and I may well be shot down for this, but I think you have an obligation to involve someone professional - by that I mean the police, womens aid or social services. I know this could mean scary stuff for you but those children have gone back to a violent abusive household and someone needs to try and stop it before something awful happens. Well done you for being kind enough to take her in and what an awful burden to end up with on your shoulders.

i know-i asked her to call womens aid-she didn't. She'd had an appointment at relate which she'd missed as she didn't have the money to pay for it (didn't realise it was spendy?) She's on anti-d's, is ex anorexic (i found this out last night)and obv he has had his issues and still has some unresolved ones.
I am going to sound like a right cunt here and i feel like one for saying it-but you know what? I ditched people i knew with dodgy allegiances (dd1s father is a criminal/wanker involved in all sorts)I don't really think i want to bring this all back into my life and the lives of my children-the drama, the midnight phone calls etc etc I will do anything to help anyone-but i don't want it on my doorstep.In the back of my mind last night all i was thinking was 'you're here because you are going back there tomorrow and so it doesn't matter what i think' as i watched the hours ticking on towards 3am knowing my baby would be up any minute for the day...
does this make me as much of a cunt as i feel (and i really do feel like one)

Sleepless - You did what you could last night - you were a good friend. Dont be too hard on yourself.

No it does not make you a twunt. A woman you barely know asked for help. You gave it. I cut off this sort of behaviour a long time ago as well and I love my quiet, drama free little life. You did more then many would in your position so dont be so mean to yourself.

I don't blame you at all. There is a limit how much anyone can be expected to do for another person who is not only not a close frind or relative but who also appears to be contributing to her own problems and not taking any of the advice she is given.

thanks girls- i am going to text her and check up on her and then later in the week and see if she does want to do something with the kids during the day-hopefully that way she'll feel that i am not judging her and that there's no need to be embarassed- i just wonder if i am welcoming a whole heap of turd into my relatively peaceful but really busy life...and then there's my 'homestart' head- i think i'll ring my supervisor actually and cry to her discuss this matter with her