My DS has new step family and is not happy - need advice

[Ninjacat]

I'll try to be as brief as I can. 5 months ago my DS's Dad moved in with a new partner and her three children without introducing DS to them first. He has visiting rights for every other weekend and every other weds for tea. As he has moved a 6hr round trip away he stopped his weds but still wants weekend and holiday time. He does not drive and has relied on other people including myself to get his son to him. A few weeks ago he let us know on the Thurs that he would not be getting him on Fri as they had to spend the train fair on something else (would not say what).
Any way the real problem is that my son has been having problems with the eldest boy (13) who he claims is constantly picking on him. I was outraged when my DS told me he says things including "I'm going to stab ya". My son told his father this who said he had to say "I'll stab ya back" to him. This is from a man who on several occasions threatened me with knives in front of his son (DS was 5).
DS is now worried about going back up to see his Dad unless this boy is not there but he is also worried about how his Dad will react if he speaks out (he thinks he will blame me) so DS is now swinging between not wanting to go at all to maybe going once every 3weeks max. I don't know what the best way is to help him? His Dad won't discuss anything with me without flying off the handle. And DS says he has tried to speak to him but just gets dismissed.
I'm 9 weeks pregnant and feeling very stressed about the whole situation. My son has told his dad he will not be visiting this weekend coming as he has a party to go to (he does) but very soon we will have to make some decisions. Please help

You're sounding very calm under the circumstances Ninja, well done. How old is DS and are you pregnant by his dad or someone else? Your ex is being supremely selfish in expecting other people to transport your son to him - why did he move so far away if that was the case? He sounds totally irresponsible.

He also sounds very weak in that he advises DS to retaliate in that way to threats rather than taking control of the situation. What to do? Establish first and foremost what would make your DS happy. Unfortunately this man doesn't seem to have his son's best interests at heart and is in fact putting his new family first. I would be very inclined if I were you to tell your son that he doesn't have to see his dad if he doesn't want to, for whatever reason. I might email ex and calmly outline yours and your son's concerns (that way you can't get into a confrontation) and see how he responds. If he can't behave like a decent father, then I reckon your son's better off not seeing him.

oh dear.
you know the answer.
it has to be one on one visits at nans? other go between?
go with what your son wants.
protect him.

Hi Ninjacat, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this . How old is your DS?

As far as I'm aware, you are within your rights to prevent him being forced into a situation where he is being threatened, but I'd get some legal advice ASAP if I were you.

I think you are going to have to take the responsibility for this off your son's shoulders, and tell your ex that he will have to visit him at YOUR home for the foreseeable future. You cannot ask a child to spend his weekend with a bunch of strangers, one of whom is a teenager threatening to stab him! . What delightful folk they sound!.

Your DS will naturally feel very guilty about not wanting to visit his Dad which is why you need to make this decision for him. His relationship is with his father, not his Dad's new DP and DCs. It's unbelievably selfish of your ex to have sprung this situation on your DS!

A cautionary tale. MY DS has always stayed over at his Dad's 2-3 times per week since he was 4. When he was 7, my ex started seeing a woman whom he'd had an affair with previously while I was pregnant with DS. They were together for about a year.

DS told me much later that he was terrified his Dad would "make her my Stepmum" because she shouted all the time and frightened him. Ex-DP used to take DS to her place (without my knowlege) and they would drink themselves stupid and have screaming arguments. DS would have to stay there overnight and share a bed with her DD !! because his Dad was too pissed to organise a taxi for the 1 mile trip home.

After they split up, a friend who works for Social Services put her job on the line and told me that this woman had had her DD taken into care for 3 weeks after she was arrested for being piss-drunk in a public park while her DD was with her.

I will never forgive myself for allowing DS to be exposed to all this, but I truly had no idea it was going on.

I do hope you can sort this out.

HTH X

Protect your son.. make the decision for him and make the excuses for him..

Thank you all,
You're right. I do need to make the decisions for him, I'm just worried about making the right one.
I have limited his access in the past but his Dad is very quick to take me to court (twice so far - he gets legal aid and I don't) rather than address the problem.
I think if it went to court again we'd be ok because my son is now 12 and can say what he wants to happen but neither myself nor my DP want to put him through that.
I'm just so fed up because his Dad really is worse than useless but I thought the best thing for my son was to grow up knowing who his Dad was and make up his own mind but I don't think we can put up with much more. He is emotionally unsupportive to his son, he refuses to pay maintenance and makes our lives difficult by still being so aggressive to me and my partner (sorry to rant).
On the plus side my DP and father to the new baby is incredibly supportive and has taken on and loves DS as his own as have his family, so at least he has some stability here.