Talking to the dreaded OW?

[brainchange]

Hi - to cut a long story mercifully short, it has been a few months since I discovered my 'd'H had an affair at work. She's since moved on to another location and they are certainly not in contact. I kicked him out then let him back once he'd sorted out that he really did want to make a go of it (there's no way I would have wanted him back if his heart wasn't in it).

We have sorted out the basics of what happened and why it did (midlife crisis, addiction to texts and emails, yadah yadah, he read the usual manual - there was nothing wrong with us but it felt like exciting first love again and he didn't know what came over him... and soon was ignoring the signs she was a bit weird and needy because he got caught up in hormone madness and was telling her he'd never loved me etc etc, now doesn't know what came over him... God it's so boring, don't we all read this all the time here?!)

Anyway, I have a very hard job trusting people - he was the only person I've ever really trusted because of my family background. So now, in order to check out his story and know he's been honest I have a burning urge to contact the OW. It's something I never did at the time because I knew it was him I had to be angry with as he not she was the one who'd let me down...

I really need to know if he only came back because she said she wouldn't leave her husband, and I also need to know what happened when they met up - he has told me a bit of an outline but some of the timing doesn't make sense and he has changed his story, hence the fact I find it hard to trust him.

I just really need to make sense of it all and he won't talk anymore - to be honest we both find it upsetting so I'm not surprised and don't want to talk to him again about it either, we just need to draw a line and move on - if I need to know more I can do it myself. I know he'll have downplayed things and I just want to get her POV about it all... Am I a nutter in wanting to do this - I have met her once and she is a bit wet so it would probably go 'well' as in she would talk and not yell like a fishwife / start spouting lies to deliberately stir things up? I don't care what the verdict is, be harsh and say what you want, I just need to know! Thanks.

I understand where you are coming from. I want to do this too even though I am no longer with Dd's father. I'd like to know what exactly he has told her because he has lied to both of us for 4 years.
The only way I could do it is to phone her though I don't even know if I have her number. He sent me text pictures that he also sent to other numbers and I don't think he knows he did that.

In your position, I'd want to find out as much as possible. I'm not getting back with mine so I have nothing to lose if I did it though.

I need evidence to show me what to look for in future.."

Sorry, I do understand your emotions, but this is such a negative emotion- can you see that? Even thinking itmighthappen again is being negative and showing that you are always going to harbour suspicions. That to me, seems to risk a self fulfilling prophecy.

Just because you find some kind of "evidence" ( what do you mean by that?) does it mean that any 2nd affair will give you the same "evidence"?

I think you have to take onboard that your idea of the kind of conversation you want withthe OW may not be what you get in reality- she might not want to talk to you- have you considered that- and then you will feel very frustrated.
Are you being 100% honest with yourself- on your motives?
Is this a cathartic action? Is it a kind of revenge "I am the wife and i want to talk to you..."?

You really have got to let this go- otherwise I think you risk feeling worse than you do now, but not getting the closure you want.

It is understandable to want the truth and to fight to get it ......even if the path she takes does not answer her questions. To not do so and have regrets about it is imo worse. How many cheated on women do you think there are who sit on the sofa at night silently fuming, brains whirring away? Plenty I reckon. I'd rather get as much info as possible, then try to move on. However, we are all different.

I think I recognise you from earlier threads - and you were so helpful to me, I hope this helps you too.

I completely understand your need to get answers and to contact this woman, but if I've got the right person, she always had a flawed grip on reality didn't she? I suspect if you spoke to her now, she would lie through her teeth just to cause trouble for you (and him). This would cause you to doubt him all over again and she would have won, in some small way.

The time to confront her has passed, I think, but I do understand. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I wish now in my case, I had caused enormous havoc in OW's life. To do so now though would signal that she still has the power to hurt you. I think it is better to keep your dignity at this point.

However, I think the real problem here is that your DH won't talk about it all and give you the answers you so desperately seek. And I understand wholeheartedly why you need those answers. When something terrible happens to us, we all need to piece together the build-up to the event, the chronology, the dates, the times, who said what to whom etc. I would strongly counsel you to speak to your DH and tell him that you are having trouble moving on without the missing bits of information. He, I suspect, is horrified that he ever got involved with this appalling woman and just wants to bury it.

But you cannot bury this - and it's not helpful. I think you may have had a bad experience at counselling before, but is it worth trying someone new?

Do you still feel terrible anger towards him? This only diminishes I think, when you feel you have more or less the whole story. Is he acting in a way that shows you how genuinely sorry he is and do his actions mirror those of a man who is profoundly grateful for a second chance? If he gets irritable with you, don't accept it. The bottom line is he needs to do anything and everything to keep you now. His discomfort at "raking over the past" is neither here nor there - that's a small price to pay for his wife's peace of mind.

Good idea to give it a few days before acting too, but really I think the only action you should take is with your DH.

I think you should contact her if it helps.
I tried contacting the OW after finding out about her as I needed to know what (now ex) dh had told her.
She ignored me and contacted dh instead who told me I was crazy for contacting her. I think he told us both a pack of lies. I just thought she might tell me the truth.

WhenwillI - would hate to be your H in his shoes, nothing gets past you! I think I just have to press for what is right for me and regardless of H and his need to shovel stuff under the carpet - I have to live with this too. You are certainly right about the anger... and he won't go to counselling now, either. On the other hand he is doing all the right things regarding 'making it up' and making me feel secure and I know that doing what's right for me may destroy this. Time to go away and think... thanks!

brainchange I dont know what you should do, so I'm not giving any advice. I just wanted to say that you are very brave wanting to move on with your H after this and I sense that you want to find out how much you can trust him in what he is saying now. It doesnt help to rake over old coals but they are not really "old" coals at all, and you need some help to move on from this for you, otherwise you'll get stuck.

Can you go to Relate on your own if he wont go with you? It will mean he will have to take you more seriously and the counsellor will be able to help you think through what are the unanswered questions & repercussions of what OW might say and do, and you wont be on your own doing it. Maybe H will agree to go after a few weeks if you start it? I dont know, I'm just wondering out loud.

Good luck honey xxxxx