DP runs around after his 18 year old son - it's driving me mad!

[hardworkingdreamer]

My DP has a son of 18 who lives with him but also spends time with his mother who lives close by. DP works 10 hour days 6 days a week but still runs around after his son. The other Sat night, after DP got home from work at 8pm, he went shopping to get his son's dinner and then cooked it for him while he sat in front of the TV. The son is at college and working part-time and DP takes him to and from work although he could walk (quite a long walk, but do-able). The boy is very stubborn and won't comply with the most reasonable requests, for example he collects crockery in his room and leaves plates of food up there for days but refuses to bring them down and will only do it
when he's ready. The other night I was cooking dinner and could only find one dessert bowl - I assumed it was because there only was one but next day discovered that there were five dirty ones in his room!

Me and DP spend limited time together because of distance and work and I have a DD of 11, and when we do get together I would like some quality time with him. But more often than not, we'll spend the evening in with the boy watching endless TV (which I dislike) rather than doing something on our own. DP also spends regular time at his ex-wife's having dinner as a family with the son and daughter(who's 21 and at uni). I'm a firm believer in parents getting on for the sake of the kids but I feel it's now time he distanced himself a bit more from her, especially as he complains about her a great deal.

We don't live together, although we're committed and are planning on moving in together and I'm beginning to think that we should just spend time together at my house when my ex has DD and we can spend more time on our own. It would mean seeing less of eachother (only once a month) if I didn't go and see him so often but the situation at his is just so complicated I'm not sure I want to deal with it anymore (it's being going on a year!). My own life is hectic but ordered and I feel I'm getting sucked into a situation which isn't healthy for me or DD. I love DP and want to be with him properly but am thinking I should step back and let him sort things out with his son first, even if it means seeing less of him. Am I being selfish?

this is what life with teenagers is like unfortunately

I am forever sending mine on a cup/glass finding mission and they will all be in their rooms. They don't see the importance of clearing away. It's annoying I agree but ime it is very normal

Running around after them, well just because he is 18, he still needs help and to be shown he is important and loved. 18 is still young, they are just becoming adults. parenting doesn't switch off at 18!

I have been divorced 10 years, we still hav family time. Our kids deserve to have 2 parents that can come togther and show that they are STILL joint parents. It's handy to find out how things are in both households, even if one is part time

He had this family before you, he had this set up before you, I feel you need to slot in and not rock the boat. It works for him, he wouldn't do it if it didn't. Getting involved with someone that has children means juggling and coming in second sometimes

Why do you have to stay in watching TV with your boyfriend just because his son does? Yes, from the way you have described it, his son needs to become less dependent but your partner also seems to be suffering a lot of guilt from breaking up with his wife (going to eat at her home even though he doesn't like her etc) and he just wants to make everything alright for his kids - something his son, knowingly or otherwise, is exploiting (although, to be fair, most teenagers are self-absorbed and messy).

Does your partner know how you feel? From the tone of your OP I would say not.

No, he has no idea how I feel and I know the boy thinks the world of me. He's told his dad that I'm a top bird! I took him to work the other morning and he talks to me a lot. I make a point of not getting involved when DP complains about son and never say anything negative.

Your views are helpful,thanks, but I suppose I'm feeling a bit despondent because it seems as if we're never going to be together.

My DHs parents still run after him and he is 31. Well, they're not as bad these days now that we're married but when we first got together it was impossible to arrange anything without his parents calling to see if he needed a lift/food/help with this, that or the next thing. Honestly it was obsessive but in a nice way if you know what I mean. Even now, we live an hour away and if we're doing something in the garden his dad will call and say "right, I'm off work today so I am coming down to help you dig/cut the grass/whatever".

So in that respect, I don't know what the answer is. I think it will come from the son being more independent himself and starting to say that he doesn't need the help. TBH, my own dad is crap and I've never had to complain that he runs after me so I think your DP sounds like a wonderful father.

The dirty plates in the room is another thing though. What about something like "if you don't bring down your plates, you won't get a lift to work"? Although that has to come from your DP.

It sounds like you need to have a chat and lay down some ground rules so that he can share his time with you all so that you all can compromise with each other and be happy

Your partner and his son are both at fault here. But you've put up with it in presumed silence before now - I take it as read your partner does not fully realise how strong your feelings are on this matter.

Your partner has a bad case of the guilts because they separated if he is helping/enabling his son in such a manner. I think he is juggling many plates here; a lot of his actions are being done out of a sense of guilt. Infact enabling his son will not either help him or his son in the longer term because it just encourages further dependency on each other. The 18 year old will never be able to stand on his own two feet and be independent the longer his Dad is around to primarily enable him. He is his Dad, not his servant and neither are you.

Who is allowing him to eat food up in his room?. Who sanctioned that?.

This 18 year old is not a good example for your 11 year old daughter to follow as she could well go on to copy his behaviours.

You need to sort this out before you move in together otherwise this will become a serious bone of contention and could ultimately make you part. You therefore need to have a serious talk with your partner about his son and also with him (son) present.

I think it is great he wants to do so much for his son and spend time with him.

Attila, thanks for your viewpoint. DP carries huge guilt and was in turn mistreated by his own father, so I do appreciate where he's coming from but I do think it's a bit unhealthy.

Problem is, I'm loathe to say how I feel because I think it would upset DP, does that make me a wimp? That's why I'm thinking I should just step back and if DP asks me why, I could just say that I find being with him and his son so much "constricting" or something like that. I do feel really stuck!

You need to talk to him and be diplomatic about it. If you're thinking about moving in together, the yard stick of your relationship is going to be how you communicate so you might as well start sooner rather than later

Why does her partner have guilt?? All he is doing is being a parent

How many people saying this are parents to teens? They don't just suddenly become perfect adults at 16/17/18. I run around after mine sometimes, not so much when they learnt to drive and could do it themselves.

The 18 year old will become more independant and it prob won't be that long. He enjoys his fathers company, that is fantastic and should be commended! He likes you too, even better.

You have come into this family and need to find a way to slot in, not change their set up

What is unhealthy?

"Problem is, I'm loathe to say how I feel because I think it would upset DP, does that make me a wimp?"

Well no but it shows that you cannot communicate openly with your partner re his son.

You think this situation is unhealthy - well you're right actually.

The problem as well here is that his father is enabling his son, this 18 year old lad's independence is not being at all encouraged. Its just encouraging further dependency.

Helping teens occasionally is fine but your man is being taken for a ride here and he (your partner) is actively allowing this to happen. Where is this lad's sense of responsibility?.

Why is this 18 year unable to walk to college if it is within walking distance, why does your partner think it at all necessary to drop him off there?. Being pandered to excessively in such a manner by his Dad has made this young man even worse as he is now not complying with even simple requests and will only do so "when he's ready".

Have seen two young men treated in such a manner (i.e enabled by parents who thought they were doing the right thing by running around after them the whole time) within my own wider family and its neither good or healthy for anyone concerned. You are after all, not his servants!.

i disagree

the lad attends college and works part time, he isn't just laying around. If the dad is happy to drive him wherever, that is nothing to do with op

OP points out one night where the dad shopped and cooked tea, maybe he hadn't seen him much that week and wanted to do that for him, again - nothing to do with op

I work and cook for my family, it's my job!! They live at home, I'm still their mum. It doesn't just stop at 18. Sometimes they like cook for me, sometimes they eat out, I would imagine this lad is the same

How is it unhealthy for a parent to parent, just because the child is in late teens?

Hi scaredoflove

As long as the balance is maintained; i.e you are not chasing your tail off for them along with them being aware of what their responsibilities are within the home that's fine. Everyone knows what to expect of and from each other.

The balance between the father and son in the original post has gone too far in one direction and this is being done out of guilt on the Dad's part which is also destructive. His actions are certainly not encouraging his son to have any further degree of independence.

I have seen such behaviours go too far the other way and this really does no-one any favours whatsoever. This accounts for my stance on such matters. On a wider level how many times have you seen people on MN complain about their lazy ass partner; this has often arisen because their own Mum (particularly her) and Dad has run around after them doing everything for them whilst he was still living at home.

who says the balance has gone too far?? only the op and she hasn't elaborated (dirty cups - yes normal, it happens...cooking one meal - no outrageous....driving to work and op said is a long way but do able iho - not abnormal..dinner with exw and kids - brilliant!)

She is jealous of the time he gives his son, dad hasn't moaned to her. Not her place to make the man choose and if it were gender reversed, no one would bat an eyelid

Have I got this right? You visit your DP in HIS home, which is also the home of his son?
So you can suggest what you would like- but it is not your home (yet.)

I can see both sides to this; dirty plates in rooms is typical of teenagers- both mine do it when they are home from uni and it drives me nuts.

In some ways, i think it is quite sweet that his son wants to stay in and watch TV with hsi dad and you, as many teenagers would not- they'd be clubbing or in their rooms on their PCs all night long.

However, he must be a potential gooseberry if you adn your DP want some privacy- maybe his Dad needs to explain this to him, as many teenagers would not consider that their parents have or want a sex life or anything resembling that!

I think in some ways you are having a rude awakening to family life- have you any DCS?

There is no other answer than you should talk to your boyfriend. You are really facing the same problem as many parents of teenagers, which is how much space do you give them, and they you? And the usual domestic frictions like washing up etc etc.

Is there no chance he could visit you, so that it is not always happening on his own territory?

howtotellmum, yes he can visit me when my DD is with her dad but that only happens once a month. Scaredoflove, yes I suppose I am jealous of the time he spends with his son because we are together so little. DP does complain about his son from time to time but I never comment. Maybe I should.

And perhaps, as most of you say, this is what living with teenagers is like. What a nightmare! But one I'll be facing myself soon as DD is 11.

Might be stating the obvious, but I think you both need a good old chat as to how your relationship & dates can move forward with teenagers hanging around. If you are ever going to live together, then this all needs discussion.

Why can he only come to you when your DD is at her dad's - but you go to his when his DS is there? Is he a secret from your DD?

Could you compromise and go away for weekends now and then, instead of having to visit each other?