Does anyone else find that old friends only contact them when things are going wrong?

[fufflebum]

I have decided to post this under a new name.

Like most people I have friends who I see regularly and those that I have a history with, we exchange cards at Xmas and so forth but in between such events I tend not to hear much. However that said I have a small group of 'friends' (not sure if I would call them that now) who contact me every now and again when things are going crap for them. I would not mind but they are not ever there when I have life events or life is a little rocky for me......

Now that I have got married and have kids I have less time to listen to these type of conversations (and energy to be honest) is this just me?

I do have a background in counselling and associated caring professions so I am wondering whether I am just be used to provide this service to them. In the past I have been very close to these individuals but my life has moved on (and in many cases away) and I wonder if other people have experienced this and if so how to deal with it.....

it may be that because you are old friends you are a little distant from them now and give an opinion thats not perhaps as emotionally involved as the friends that are in the circle currently and maybe biased for whatever reasons. i have friends that offload to me and vice versa that i grew up with but the ones around now i don't tend to be as deep with although i enjoy their friendships but on a differant level

fufflebum this echoes my life experience a bit. I have worked 8/9 years in homelessness i.e. working with traumatised and distressed people and very au fait with giving support feedback and empowering people to move forward with their lives and not get stuck.

However I regularly find when I am in a job invariably there is seldom anybody available to give me the appropriate support.

I also find friends without children generally avoid you a fair bit once we are parents even though I am more than willing to be in regular and validating nurturing contact with them, they just don't seem interested!!

As for fellow parents/friends with children of course many are rushed off their feet, not many people leading privileged lives with hours to spare yes I do understand the time factor and I think even parents can forget how demanding the early years are. For example my son is now four and I have had to give up on 3 people who were demanding too much of my time as I simply don't havve it and they were giving me nothing back. I hate abandoning/losing friends like that but I was left with no choice.

I just don't seem to have the right destiny that attracts support when I am in a pickle temporarily with my life or going through a challenging phase.

Hope this helps! Would be very interested in the views of others too.

Correction I mean when I am in a jam not in a job! People aren't there for me then.

'I would not mind but they are not ever there when I have life events or life is a little rocky for me......'

do you ever ring them and tell them about these events though

I have a couple of really good friend sthat i've mostly lost touch with but I know that if a huge crisis occurred I could ring them up and talk to them about it

Oh yes indeed compo I send emails fairly often but know from experience I will rarely get a swift reply (meaning within two weeks or so, invariably a lot later than that if at all).

I don't think I have the plague or lack social niceties, I just find people are rarely there for me!

As for a really good friend well it would be nice the two who have known me the longest I find one of them has proved so hard to get hold of I cannot bear the feeling of rejection so tend to just stick to emails/texts instead of trying to ring directly (calls on permanent answerphone, mobiles not being picked up etc.).

The other one she leads a very busy life with three youngish children and a husband and although she is excellent at emails I am not in the habit of ringing.

I hope I didn't take over the thread fufflebum! Please forgive. It has struck a chord....

One of my oldest friends is like this but I don't mind. I'm glad that she still thinks that much of me that she'd call me when going through a shit time (e.g. relationship break up at same time as medical problem earlier this year)

I can sympathise with this as well.

I find it difficult to not focus on the fact that many only get in touch when they want something.

I just do my best to not be like this myself and make the effort to ring up (20 year friendships) very good frinds for a 5 minute catch up, how are they doing, how are the kids, what are they up to at school etc.
Sometimes if i see a nice card, i will get it and send it randomly, saying i was just thinking about them.

I have just a small group of very very close and trusted best friends who mean the world to me, so those others are not a huge influence tbh.

I do agree about those friends who dont have children but have to admit that nowasays i have very little in common with these people anyway so no huge loss.

It is testament to a good friend, so it shows really that they come to you because you are a good friend. Think they may be using your councelling skills for their own gain though.

I too have let friendships go because they are just too much and too one sided and demanding on time and energy that i just dont have to spare.

Thanks for replies...

I have found that since having children my life has changed dramatically. It seems that the things with have in common have changed. It is interesting as when the same people have started to have the same life events(ie get married and in some cases fall pregnant) they have got in contact again. It just seems sometimes that the relationship can be a little one sided and I hate to say it egocentric on their part! (I appreciate one could argue my thread is that too!)

I do feel it is a shame that they did not offer the same support for me as I feel I have for them.....

I agree with the comment that perhaps I should ring them. But, honestly it has not always been the top of my priority list with two little ones to care for. when the traffic is only one way....

chattysoul I relate completely to your comments.

I can absolutely relate to this too.

I guess I have always been the sort of person people go to with their problems, which may have been part of the reason I went into a similar profession to you (psychology).

Now I am really the only one out of my close friends who has dcs so am not as available to the others anymore, but I still find that a lot of time will go by before they get in touch, and when they do it's because they 've got some sort of crisis going on.

This used to get on my tits a bit, but recently I had something going on in my life and I found it really hard to open up to my friends about it, even though I'm sure they would have been happy to listen I wasn't really comfortable with the role reversal, with being the one who was asking for advice instead of giving it iykwim. So I just kept it to myself.