Fallen out with close friend - feeling bewildered. (A bit long - sorry.)

[Scoobydoobydooby]

DS (4) and I stayed with one of my closest friends this weekend. We had a lovely day yesterday, but today, from the word go, the dynamic didn't work.

I felt she was being unfairly hard on DS - dishing out veiled digs about DS wanting this, declining that, saying or doing something she disapproved of. I thought he was behaving like an average four-year-old TBH, and pretty well at that - but it seemed as though she just didn't like him, if that makes sense; she seemed hostile and frosty towards him, which hurt me.

This dynamic continued until I felt I had to leave. Before we left, I tried to explain how I felt to my friend, as tactfully as I could, and she said I had got her all wrong. She said she was feeling a bit vacant and tired, but that she loves DS to bits - that I should know that. The thing is, I really, strongly felt she blatantly didn't like him today - disapproved of him and was disappointed in him.

She's having a tough time at work and stress related to this could have been rerouted to her interaction with us today. And my hormone health is up the creek so God only knows if my intuition and reasoning were intact or not - I'm now wondering am I losing the plot and I can't even pick up the right signals from one of my best friends?! And I'm worried that DS isn't actually that likeable and I'm doing a not-so-good job of raising him. And I'm confused about what's reasonable behaviour to expect of a four-year-old. And of course I'm concerned that I have hurt my friend.

We didn't get anywhere with our chat today, and parted a bit coolly and shell-shocked, agreeing to leave things for a few days to settle down. This hasn't happened before - it has caught both of us off-guard. What the heck happened? And how do I begin to patch things up with her? She is important to me - as is DS being treated respectfully.

Does she have children?

Before I had children of my own I really wasn't all that fond of children, even those of close friends. I'd feign interest in them, but would much rather that they'd toddle off and amuse themselves while I had a nice long chat with their mother.

For now I think you should (if you can) draw a line under it. If you continue to feel this way, then either see her alone or not at all.

I'm sure your DS is absolutely lovely, btw.

It sounds to me like you're both in the wrong. She was tired and stroppy, and you've over reacted.
Does she have kids? Some of my childless friends are less patient with my children than I'd like, but they don't mean anything, they just don't necessarily get children.

I'm sure there is no need for you to question your parenting skills.

Just ring her tomorrow and say something like 'sorry about the other day, we were both a bit stroppy weren't we?'
Real friendships have their ups and downs.

Lordy, hormonal vs stressed out. Sounds like you both had a bit of a reason-meltdown, if you ask me.

I have a friend who, whenever I woudl stay over at hers, we had a brilliant time on the Saturday but on the Sunday morning I ALWAYS got the feeling she just couldn't wait for me to leave. It wasn't that she didn't like me, it was just that Sunday was her day for organising, resting etc. and having to "entertain" me put her out, and she wasn't very good at hiding it. She would still invite me again to stay a few months later though, but like you, I frequently wondered whether I had upset her or if she just didn't really like me - takes a bit of skin-thickening when people are like this to get past their grouchiness.

I suggest you phone her as well but just say sorry that you were having a hormonal paranoia moment - that will allow her to say sorry as well, without you casting aspersions on her mood - she's probably feeling a bit upset that you are upset and guilty that her stress has upset you, iyswim.

Hi Scooby, sorry to hear about your situation, but imo I think this is just one of those one off unfortunate incidents, where it sounds like both you and your friend were in totally different places, emotionally. It sounds like a one off, as you mention it hasn't happened before - sometimes some of us just aren't in the mood to be sociable, even with the people we are closet to, especially if she has other things going on, like the work stress. She probably wasn't even aware that her mood / tone of voice, etc was cold towards your DS if she is stressed. You haven't mentioned it in your post, but does your friend have kids of her own? If not, it can be difficult to know how to interact with other people's kids each and every time if you aren't used to havinb them around all the time, and even the fact of having you and your DS over to stay may have stressed her slightly. I'm the same - I don't have kids yet, and although I love our friend's kids to bits, I sometimes don't know how to respond to kids when they come to stay, especially on the second or third day, when the initial excitement of seeing them (for you and them) has worn off, and it feels slightly strange to have a child in the house...

Thanks for posts. I think you're all right - it was a bit of both of us today; the unfortunate mix of two very badly matched emotional states!

My friend doesn't have kids, no, so I think a lively four-year-old can be a bit overwhelming to her. In fairness to her, she did say she doesn't necessarily 'get' kids - doesn't know how to interact with them or what to expect from them. And I really do understand this; that's OK. It's OK not to know and to muddle along, or ask. But I do have a problem with her actually being hostile. She is known among family and friends for being moody, and a bit severe and snappy at times. I was just a bit taken aback to see this repeatedly directed at DS today. Grown-ups can take it in their stride, but kids less so, and some kind of freaky, urgent protection instinct kicked off in me.

I'm not thick-skinned at the best of times, thumbwitch - that's got to be worth working on. Interesting point about your friend's hospitality waning heading into day two of a visit; I'm sure some of this was at play too.

And I'll be seeing the doctor in a few weeks to get to the bottom of my hormonal circus - this has caught me out a few times already this year (inexplicable PMT mid-cycle then, hey presto, a period two weeks early ), and it isn't helping at all.

I did make the point (I hope tactfully ...) about my friend's perennial work stress and gripes seeming to bring out the worst in her interpersonally - she can be frosty and dismissive with me more than I'd like. This was received with a, "Ha! So you're going to reel off a list of my failings! Well, you're not perfect you know - I could say plenty about you ..." I think we need to accept our loved ones' social and emotional quirks to a degree, but this acceptance shouldn't be a licence to treat them crappily.

Thanks again for your posts. I've sent a friendly text and am building up to a meaty sorry.