Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

i think its the end now

16 replies

newmummy27 · 19/04/2009 22:17

after 16 months of a difficult marriage since ds1 was born, i think it is finally over. i am so unhappy,low,made to feel worthless,unloved and rejected, i am beginning to lose the fight and am switching off from dh.
i have no idea how i will manage financially as a single parent, but i feel i have no option.i do everything alone with ds and i feel so low watching other families when i am on my own with ds on a day out. as a child of divorced parents i didnt want that for my child, but it is going that way.
i am so empty, my mind is so confused, i cant think straight.my dh doesnt respnd to me, says he is content, behaves like an old man, never goes out, wants to go to bed early and is generally dragging me down.
i told him today its over, but there was no reaction, he just said, "well there is nothing i can say". he has been in separate room for around a year, he went to bed came and looked in on me and said nothing. i feel so rejected.please help, how do i cope with this?

OP posts:

missingtheaction · 19/04/2009 22:19

so sorry - what a very sad situation. just do what you can for now, give yourself time to come to understand what is happening and to work out what comes next. and get all the support you can

Original poster

newmummy27 · 19/04/2009 22:22

thanks, i am trying. i will make an appointment at citizens advice this week, i dont want to lose the house as i feel it is the only stability have and i have worked so hardfor it/ on it. i am going to have to get more support, i have just been in denial and not really told anyone about it seriousy.

OP posts:

mitfordsisters · 19/04/2009 22:32

So sorry newmummy27 . I wonder, is he depressed? Consider all avenues... Why is he failing to contribute?

Original poster

newmummy27 · 19/04/2009 22:37

maybe he is yes, but he would never admit it, he just puts it all on me and says i am depressed. yes i am and he contiually reminds me of this rather than trying to help me feel better.
he makes out that i am not normal, that i need help etc etc even when i get help he still says i need help. i cant win, now i am getting the strength to question him and he doesnt seem to like that . before i genuinally beleived i wasnt normal,until i had my son and i thought, hang on a minute, what am i doing?

OP posts:

AtheneNoctua · 19/04/2009 22:42

You need a RL support group, if you don't have one already. Maybe other single mums with young children? Where are you? Have you been on the lone parent threads to see if anyone is mear you?

Do you work? Can you get out and do things to make you happy that are not necessarily related to children? You need to find something that makes you happy and follow it -- with or without your DH.

missylea · 19/04/2009 22:43

hi newmummy i am so sad for you i too no what it feels like to watch families and wish i was just like them but tbh no one knows what goes on behind other peoples closed doors.
You sound so miserable so sending big hugs
you say that you have been sleeping in separate beds for a years so that suggests to me that the relationship has broke down a long time ago.
This is a hard time for you but you will cope as there is loads of support on here to help you get through this.

I left my husband over 7 years ago and i had a 3 and 1 year old cause i was miserable in the relationship and have to say im glad i done it and havent looked back, it was so hard at the time and remember crying in my new house caused i missed him but thats just caused i was used to him being there and i missed the company not him.
Just think of your ds and how happy you and him could be and how great it would be for him not to see you miserable. Dont let someone drag you down.

Original poster

newmummy27 · 19/04/2009 22:45

i know i need a RL support group, really wish i had one but i dont. i do work and after returning from maternity have met a few people who i think can become friends. i am going to try to get out more.. i am just so worn down

OP posts:

AtheneNoctua · 19/04/2009 22:47

Where are you? (if you don't mind me asking)

Original poster

newmummy27 · 19/04/2009 22:49

thanks missylea. so far my son hasnt seen me miserable as i put on a brave face for him and he is a v happy little boy. after having PND i finally love him so much and i feel we have a good bond now. you are right, i would miss the company i think to some extent would miss him, but i am now accepting it just isnt working. been together 12 years

OP posts:

missylea · 19/04/2009 23:04

i was together with my husband for 10 years and i felt i grew up with him but we became more brother/sister type relationship if you know what i mean. We worked as a family but we did not work as husband and wife. I too have suffered pnd with my 3 children and it is such a horrible thing. I still am suffering now as i have a 6 month old but i am getting help for it and it is working, but i understand about the not getting any support. my partner never understand depression and was not supportive to me whatsoever when our ds was born. I too am on my own again with 3 dc although a number of factors led to this. I beat myself up cause i have 1 divorce under my beat and now i thought i was older and wiser this wouldnt happen again but our relationship broke down and tbh im feeling pretty positive as i have had support and advice for some great ladies on this site.
It hard to accept things are over cause you dont just miss them you miss all the things you had planned in your head for the future, but you dont no what is around the corner waiting on you in your future it could be a lifetime filled with happiness

Original poster

newmummy27 · 19/04/2009 23:18

thanks missylea, you have hit the nail on the head, worked well as a family but nt husband and wife. although we are beginnng tonot work well s a family now. wish i knew you inRL. have to go, ds woke up

OP posts:

sas45 · 19/04/2009 23:28

Hi, hope you don't mind me joining in? Have you tried relate? Maybe worth a go but you both have to be willing. My H and i have just agred to seperate. We have 2 dd's. So my thoughts are with you. It's a very confusing time. But you will come out the other side, a stronger and happier person.

Original poster

newmummy27 · 19/04/2009 23:35

hi back now, ds asleep again
you are welcome to join in sas45. we are going to relate now but it isnt working, he just shuts off again afterwards. the problem is my H says he is happy??? i really dont get him, no physical relationship, arguing and he is happy, i think he is all over the place too.

OP posts:

missylea · 20/04/2009 08:08

think he has just accepted the relationship the way it is and is happy enough just not to put the effort in and continue the way things are as it obviously suits him but this relationship is not suiting you and is making you miserable.
This is gonna be really hard for you as the decision seems to be with you now as dh seems he is not prepared to meet your needs. Another big hug. Keep your chin up and ask yourself do you really wanna spend the rest of your life like this???

sas45 · 20/04/2009 18:32

At some point you will know when enough is enough and that is when you will find the strength to move on. He does sound as if he may be depressed?? Does he not realise what he may lose if you leave? I have CA appointment tomorrow to find out the financial help i maybe able to get. Take care x

escape · 20/04/2009 18:49

I think you need to leave him.
I don't say that lightly, But BELIEVE me, this whole switching off thing, not engaging in discussions, but not changing either - ??
It won't change. He won't take you seriously unless you carry out something, even if it's a temporary situation... MAKE him see that you mean business.

Flip