dp raised his hand to me today, don't know how to feel

[namechangeforareason]

Hi all, I have name changed as a couple of his siblings know my name on here.

dp and I have been together for 10 years, and have a happy relationship. We have 2 dc's, aged 1 and 8.

(I won't go into too much detail here for fear of being outed!)
We were having a nice family day in the garden, when eldest dh started acting up a bit, back chatting etc. Dp totally over reacted to it and really started to have a pop at ds, which I hate him doing. Told him to shut up, which was the final straw for me. I told him not to talk to ds like that a couple of times, before telling him to leave him alone.
He then said aggressively to me 'well you leave me alone then' and raised his fist in anger, then let it drop again. I immediately picked up the baby, (ds wanted to stay at home) and went to my mums. (I have to point out that he was on one side of the bbq and I was on the other, he couldn't have reached me from there, it's more the action that worries me iykwim)
I was so upset by it. I knew that he wouldn't hit me, but the fact that he raised his fist to me, infront of our children, fills me with horror.
I don't know how to feel about it really. I am now in bed dp will be sleeping on the sofa..... he doesn't know that yet, but he will when he finds the spare duvet outside of the bedroom door.
He has tried to apologise me, but I couldn't even look at him, and told him apologies aren't enough.

I just need to talk to someone anoymous, hear some words of wisdom, is there anyone that can help me?

You dh got angry and shook his fist at you? I don't mean to belittle an obviously upsetting family row but it does sounds as if he lost his temper/clenched his fists in frustration - unless this is an escalating pattern of behaviour - then everyone can make mistakes. Also do you see your 8yr old's behaviour somewhat differently?

You've made your feelings clear to dh. What do you mean by apologies aren't enough. What does he need to do?

Before you go to sleep clear the air and talk about what went wrong today - honesty on all sides - and agree together how it could it be better handled next time (as ds will no doubt back chat again at some point).

thank you for replying heated.
I understand that it seems trivial, but I am very sensitive to anything like this. I witnessed my mum in several very abusive relationships, so even just him raising his fist has really shaken me.
When I say apologies aren't enough, I mean that he can't just say sorry and that's it. It's not the same as forgetting my birthday , it's a big deal to me. I need him to know how wrong it was.

I don't know if I can clear the air tonight. I am still quite upset, I think maybe I should wait until I calm down tomorrow.

It wasn't a shaking his fist at me in a 'damn those pesky kids' way (don't know how else to describe that!) He looked like he had to stop himself, iyswim, and just looked SO angry

I'm not sure I know how to respond to this, but I'll try

I would be scared and shaken I think, because you have seen him lose his temper and you have seen that he is capable of a violent impulse when he has lost his temper, which is pretty horrifying to see.

BUT you've also seen him control his temper and resist his violent impulse.

So I'm not sure how I would proceed. I would suggest a proper, non-accusatory talk when you've both had a chance to calm down - not a "I want you to explain why you almost hit me, you wanted to, didn't you" talk, but more a two-sided adult discussion about flashpoints and boundaries.

Sorry you've been frightened and upset, it's very understandable and I would want my space for a bit too.

a very helpful response EGS. You make a really good point, that he controlled his anger. I see that.
A talk will definately be needed, tomorrow evening I expect.
Ds is in bed now. He came to me when I got home from mums and cuddled me for a good 15 mins, didn't actualy say anything though. I wonder if it has affected him at all? We NEVER argue infront of the kids

So he is just saying 'sorry' and expects that to be it, no further discussion, all sorted? Or is he too upset/embarrassed and maybe he's even frightened himself by his rage and want to brush it under the carpet? Or just a bemused 'sorry', like I don't quite understand it myself?

If you'd benefit from time and distance then take it. The only reason I said clear the air is that I just can't sleep if we've rowed and leaving it prolongs the agony.

Is there an issue between your ds (is he dp's child?) and dp? Not acting as a united front with children )ie you both enforce the rules together) can cause friction. Does dp think you are undermining him when you tell him to leave ds alone (I certainly would) doesn't mean to say he was right for totally overreacting btw.

Him raising a fist is not on but if this is the only thing in 10 years, its not too bad..but I still would not accept it.

What is it that makes dp go overboard with ds's back chat? Is this a normal thing? Obviously him raising a fist a you is a new thing? Is he under any kind of outside pressure?

I think both of you could adjust your perspective (with or without help depending on how dp is on this kind of thing)

I think that the sorry was 'please can I just say sorry and you won't be sad anymore, I was stupid'. I read him well

I wasn't ready to accept it then though. I know that probably sounds really silly.

He needs to stew a little I think. Let him have the day to think it all over, and to let me calm down.

I am also aware that this it all likely to seem very trivial, considering the abuse that goes on in other relationships. I fully appreciate that. But it does start somewhere though doesn't it?

Oh me and dp had a ding dong last night and we called each other really awful names (not personal tho!). Sometimes we just have these flare ups and thena bit of a sulk. I just couldn't be arsed (he seemed really riled tho) He took himself off to the bedroom. I watched some utter tosh on tv and then couldn't get the cork out of a bottle of wine. I went thro to the bedroonm and said 'have you finished having a sulk because i need this bottle of wine open' we both then giggled. We often break the ice with humour. If its really bad the first line is 'Are you ready yet?' and the answer is 'No'

Not saying this is your answer! Just sometimes I need to work thro things in my head before I can forgive him and he is the same (your line about not being ready struck a chord...don;t want to be discussing things when you're still riled)

hi WITW. Dp is ds's father. I completely agree with the united front thing, and I am sure that dp was upset that I was 'on ds's side'. But he really was going overboard with ds. He doesn't have a great deal of patience with him, and he doesn't seem to know how to deal with him. Although I have tried to help him with it, he will jump in with 'no PS for a week' for something trivial, when I save that for the big issues (I hope I am making sense here!)

I have said to him a few times to think back to when he was ds's age. How would he have felt if his daddy talked to him in that way?
I really must say, this is only a problem with negative behaviour. He is a great daddy and ds dotes on him They spend lots of time together, but I feel that ds has lost some affection for him as he has grown older.

There has only been one other instance of real anger in our relationship. Ds was 2, and dp got very angry at me for something, and threw a glass milk bottle, smashing it all over the front garden. I calmly told him that if he ever behaved that way infront of our ds again, I would leave him. Did the trick, until today!

He does get wound up easily over little things. Like if he cant get a lid off of something he will get really wound up. I'm sooooooo the opposite of that!

Does he understand where your very strong reaction comes from?

Have you said this bit

"I am very sensitive to anything like this. I witnessed my mum in several very abusive relationships"

to him on many occasions before?

Nothing is trivial if you feel threatened or frightened.

I had an abusive childhood and am hugrly anti-violence.
Dh does have a bit of a temper when he is tired/stressed etc and there have been 2 times (in 14 years) he has turned on me ina temper when I said something and then immediately backed down in horror and apologised.
I ahve no problem with this as
a) he stopped as soon as he knew what he had done
b) he apologised and understood why this would have upset me.

I would have a talk and explain why this has upset you and just gauge his reaction from that. I know that I have felt like smacking people before now but managed to control the imulse, thinking about it is one thing, doing it is somethign comlpetely different
HTH

I also think that because we so rarely argue, when the odd thing comes up we find it hard to deal with. Like we haven't had the practice iykwim

thankyou gagarin and jackbauer.

He knows that I didn't have a good childhood. I was abused, and we have talked about that before. Although not in any great detail as he couldn't actually bear to hear it tbh.

So there's lots that he doesn't know. Now I am really thinking about it, I don't know if he really knows about the violence.
That probably seems strange for two people that have been together so long, but I find it very difficult to talk about, he finds it very difficult to hear about.

Namechange
x posted
I have a great relationship with dp but when kids are involved it can get tricky can't it? The ding dong I was talking about was because ds didn't want dp to get him ready for bed, he wanted me. This is a flash point for dp who feels pushed out. He quite often comments on me being Miss Popular and having to deal with the highs and the lows (ie everything). I get upset because I am so worn down with caring for our dc's and want a little help. I am so sensitive about how I approach this but sometimes it just doesn't work. Yes dp is very impatient with the dc's and it drives me crazy. We're just trying to work it out now as we have both been made redundant (so now dp is at home from working all hours and I'm thinking great... help with the kids

dp is always over the moon when the kids want me. Does this great smug smile and plonks himself down with the remote!

I can understand that, DH only knows about my childhood as we met when we were 17 and it was still happening so he saw thigns that showed him what had happened IYSWIM. I think you may need to actually tell him what happened to help him.
Now I get flashbacks and tell DH about them and it helps me to talk about it, it may help you to be able to talk in a situation where you know the other person is there for you.

Hi NCFAR - I can see where everyone is coming from with their advice, and I agree with most of it (this being a rare occasion, everyone has arguments etc etc) - however, no one should ever live with a threat of violence in their lives.

To me, smashing a bottle off a wall when there was a baby in the room and raising a fist when in a temper are both completely and utterly unacceptable. I am not suggesting you take any drastic action - but I do think he needs to address his behaviours by talking to you or someone professional.

When you are both talking again, I would tell him how it made you feel, how it is unacceptable, and how you are afraid he would do something again and take it from there. You said you rarely argued so he doesn't know how to deal with it when you do - that is something you could work on together - ie agree a code for one of you to say if you are feeling stressed/frightened - and the ther will know to cool off. Does that make sense?

If you ever feel frightened again - get out of there. This website might help click this link

That's what I will do.

Tomorrow

He needs to know, really understand, why it was such a big deal for me. He's probably down there now pursing his lips and thinking it wasn't really that bad.

I'm off to sleep now, tired eyes.
Thank you to you all, it was a great help for me to talk this through tonight x

I have to disagree with you mrsjammi - no one should have a fist raised to them, no matter what the other person did.

I also think telling any child to 'shut up' is appalling. I would leave my DP if he said that to our child.

NCFAR - you are blameless in this.

namechange - it's not trivial at all. My first reaction to being shoved by my ex (father of my two DCs was to turn round and challenge - do it again and the police will be called. He waited a few weeks and was about to do something similar and stepped up and reminded him of my promise. Rightly or wrongly I got right in his face and said "come on then, do it, such a big man hitting a woman..." etc etc. This was only the second time - he didn't get another chance I threw him out. It wasn't the extent of the violence - it was the implied threat and his immortal words that I shouldn't have disagreed with him as it had provoked him i.e it was my fault.

Apology smology - don't let him think sorry is good enough. Tell him straight that that kind of behaviour is unacceptable and WILL NOT happen again or you will call a solicitor and the police.

Hope things work out ok and have a peaceful sleep (if poss)

don't want to go and not reply to the new messages

mrsjammi, I understand where you are coming from, and yes, it wasn't very nice to belittle him, I agree.

However, he wouldn't stop, poor ds had his head in his hands, looked really upset, and had already gone quiet. Dp was going on and on and on at him, and my mothering instinct kicked in and I just had to get him to stop.

With regards to telling him to shut up, that's just a big nono in our house. Ds doesn't say it, and we don't say it to him. I just think it's disrespectful

Thanks Blocka, that all makes sense

Name change
Just re-read one of your posts...why couldn't dp bear to hear about your past? Did he have a bad past too?