A mother/daughter and grandmother/granddaughter question

[onepieceofcremeegg]

Hi,

Sorry for the odd title.

Basically for one reason and another which I won't go into I had a very difficult relationship with my mother. (for much of my childhood didn't live with her)

Since becoming an adult we have kind of "found our own way" together and the past is left in the past. I am ok ish with that, the relationship is amicable, but a little superficial I guess.

She is a fab grandmother, I guess because she has started afresh with my 2 dds, and she is also quite amenable to respecting the way that dh and I parent. (I appreciate that this is something a lot of grandparents struggle with)

Has anyone else had similar experiences? I am so reluctant to kind of "address the past" as it were. Just after some reassurance I think, perhaps from others who have been through similar.

I can completely relate to this. My mother is a wonderful grandmother to my dd. She was a terrible mother to me due to mental health issues.

I'm beginning to accept that our relationship will never be the way I want it to be, but that doesn't mean that she can't be a lovely grandmother. When I was a child, she just wasn't in any fit state to be a parent.

Like yours, our relationship is quite superficial. I'm not sure I will ever be able to truly trust her (emotionally).

I've now reached the point where I'm ok with it and in fact, since I've stopped expecting her to put things right every time I see her, we get on so much better.

Thank you Littlefish, it sounds like you understand.

Occasionally I get a bit upset over an apparently minor/trivial comment. e.g. I mentioned that we had taken dd's stabilisers off and she said that she couldn't remember anything at all about when my stabilisers came off.

I wanted to say "that is because you weren't there" but I knew that would not be helpful to any of us.

My brother has also been very affected by our upbringing and this now manifests itself in some fairly "odd" behaviour, particularly to do with keeping in touch with family members. She and her dh (not my dad) always comment in an incredulous fashion as to how my brother turned out. I kind of think - what did you expect.

My mother also comes out with some extraordinary comments at time which lead me to believe that she has absolutely no idea of the long-lasting and deep rooted effect of her illness and subsequent behaviour. It was this that made me realise that she would never be able to put things right, because she doesn't understand what was wrong (if you see what I mean).

I think that your mum (and mine) have either forgotten, or deliberately buried some of the timescales involved in their pasts.

I was the GD in a very similar scenario. My Nan was the best Nan in the world when I was little but she was a god damn awful mother. It was only me cominig along that my Mum actually saw her Mum for the first time since she was 6 years of age. Mum never ever told me what exactly happened when she was little it was my uncle who never forgave my Nan for walking out and taking the younger uncles with her, who told me when I was an adult. I'm very greatful that my Mum allowed me to have what was a wonderful relationship with my Nan as given some of the things that did happen I'm not sure if I could have been so forgiving.

Same situation here I understand - let it lie would be my advice, I tried for a long time to get my mum to understand/apologise for my childhood, she never could she either doesnt understand or cannot face it...
We get on well now, and she is a fab gran, just appreciate what you have now, you will not be able to fix the past!
I also have a brother far more damaged by it and he has very little/no contact with most of the family, drugs gambling

My Mum wasn't so much actively abusive but she was quite selfish and lazy, only ever did what she wanted to do and we had to fit in. Never did any "child" stuff, no seasides. themeparks etc. she hated anything so "low brow". She was and remains the worst snob I've ever met and she does have some wierd shit going on. Her overly intense friendhsips with younger Men who have split from their wives and have kids she storms in as some sort of rescuer and devotes all her time and energy to them.

She's also emotionally abusive to my Dad, continually running him down, critisising him and saying he's hopeless but he never stands up to her and that's his choice.

Sometimes she makes comments like "oh you weren't done til you were 4" (re potty training) and I think, yes because it was too much effort for you Mum, you tried for a bit then couldn't be bothered could you? She always goes on about how I do nice things with dd and that I'm a far better mother than her, I just say nothing because I agree, I am!

She's very loving to dd but has been lazy in the past, however a few subtle and not so subtle hints seemed to have rectified this as well as us pointedly avoiding going to see them after having a rubbish time one time. She's desperate to be close to dd and now realises she has to make an effort. My Dad often comments at how "exceptionally remarkable" I was at playing alone as a child, no Dad I just got used to being left alone and got good at it . She's finally reslised dd is a lot more feisty and emanding than me and will involve you in play whether you like it or not!

I had a rough time as a teenagar emotionally and yes I was a bit wild but according to her it was all "in me" yes that's right Mum I chose to end up on anti-depressants at age 19, I developed low self-esteem out of nowhere that made me run off with a man 10 years older than me at 17 . I do take some responsibility for it but just wish she would aknoweledge she might have had a part to play and apologise, I've never been allowedto forget what i put her through ages 14 to 21, ever, the depression was "genetic" and not to be helped according to her and my Dad.

Anyway sorry rant over, yes I'm in a similar position to you and have given up hope of any apology or hint of self-awreness and just try to concentrate on her good relationship with dd now.

Thank you for the replies, I have found them helpful.

minx at age 18 I dropped out of uni, . The whole family were up in arms about it. I was (but didn't realise at the time) suffering with severe anxiety symptoms and possibly depression.

It is interesting that my mother seems to take the credit for having a "good daughter" but disassociates herself from any input that may have resulted in the way my brother was damaged. What you wrote about your brother macdoodle struck a chord with me.

I think that my brother and I have completely different personalities, plus partly due to being older I was more resilient emotionally. Also particularly during my twenties I managed to find almost alternate mother figures (one particular lady from church nurtured me and got me partly to where I am today).

For me it is better to have an amicable but fairly superficial relationship rather than constant misunderstanding because she can't understand what happened in our childhood. (in my case I truly think it is can't rather than won't)

Also it has really made me think about the way I parent my 2 little dds.

dd1 is now 5, the age where it started to go wrong for me. In the past I never realised that 5 is hardly more than a baby in terms of emotional/psychological development.

I think in the past I have tended to underestimate the affect my upbringing had.

I work in mental health now and in other people (particularly young women) I can see all too clearly where some people have been damaged by living through similar.

onepieceofcremeegg you're so right, it's made me v focussed on my parenting of dd (and this little one brewing in my belly!)sometimes the stuff coming out of my mouth sounds like an exact repetition of her and I have to catch myself.

My early 20s were hellish, dropped out of Uni, had sever panic atacks stopped eating, never once thought it had anything to do with my upbringing or chronic low self-esteem but the more time passes i realise i too have inderestimated how my early years affected me, the emotional abuse to be exact.

I'm an RMN working in CAMHS and this has been my wakr-up call, so many families where the parents come in raging and blaming their children,locating all the problem in them. A lot of the girls are troubled but less torubled than I was and thank God their parents have had the where with all to bring them, and will accpet family therapy if it's offered. Too often though you get the parents refusing any sort of intervention unless their child has individual counselling or "anger management" to "fix" rhem. You can almost see the formulation of the childs problems before asking any problems. Makes me and sometimes

I am afraid I am not as forgiving as some of you

I have a poor relationship with my adoptive mother (actually my grandmother who brought me up). I don't see a lot of her (or my abusive adoptive father) due to a need to protect myself emotionally. Therefore they haven't had the chance to develop a close bond with my DS.

My DH parents are fantastic and my DS adores them so I don't feel he is missing out. He does see my parents though. I do feel guilty sometimes. I hope I am not denying my DS anything

minx I am an RMN too, your post in parts sounds to me as if I wrote it.

I will write a bit more later, have to rush out now.

OP - I am in a very similar situation. My rl with my mother is civil but we are not in any way close.

I do struggle sometimes to allow her to be close to my dd - I feel like its not fair that she's making the effort now but couldn't be bothered with me but at the end of the day, she is a good grandmother and my dd adores her so for her sake, I hope they continue to have a close relationship.

I had reconciled myself to the past before I had dd but have to say that the moment she was born, I found myself even more confused about my mother's behaviour when I was a child. My immediate reaction as soon as my dd was born was to protect her completely - a real lioness "kill or die for her" kind of reaction and it made me really very sad that my mum obviously never had that for me

It's so hard isn't it TSM. I relate completely to what you've said. In fact, having thought that I had dealt with my childhood during many years of counselling, I found myself totally sideswiped when dd was about a year old. Instead of being to empathise more with my mother, I found it even harder. I just couldn't imagine behaving the way my mother had, once I had dd. I ended up going back to counselling again, and fully expect to do so again when dd is about 7 years old (the age I was when my mother became ill).

Littlefish - I did exactly the same - had counselling before dd and thought I was well and truly "ok" with it all, but then had to go for more not long after she was born.

I'm hoping I won't need any more (my mum suffered from mental illness as well but it was at its worst when I was very young, although did continue on and off) but I'm pg again now, so god only knows what state I'll be in with those post natal hormones kicking around

roseability we all have different circumstances and I am sure that you are doing the best for your ds.

It is lovely that you and he have a good relationship with your ils.

minx your post made me cry (but in a good way iykwim, as in someone really understands me)

I had food issues as a child, not an eating disorder as such, but almost a phobia of eating in social situations (e.g. school meals or when visiting family friends.)
Looking back I realise this was a sign of how my upbringing was affecting me.

In the years I have been a RMN, I have developed significantly more self awareness and am kinder to myself as a result. I used to be very dismissive of my experiences but now realise that some were quite traumatic.

I have a lovely colleague (a lady of my mum's age) who talks very empathically and with a high level of understanding about adults who have been damaged by their upbringing. It can be commonplace to dismiss people as having "p.d." - minx I imagine you know the kind of attitude I am referring to?

TSM I understand what you say about it not being fair and your mother not making the effort with you. Sometimes I feel almost jealous, I guess in some areas I am very insecure. However imo it is also an understandable reaction/feeling.

Thanks to all who have posted, it is a comfort to know that I am not alone.

It took someone on Mumsnet to point out that it was perfectly possible for my parents to be lousy parents but great grandparents. I found it easier once I had separated the two.

Very true Duffy. I do try to keep that in mind.

My mother says that she has been given a second chance with my niece and nephew.

She is a "not bad" nana, she wasnt a good mother.

She is like a different person to them to how she was with us, its strange.

But then, every so often the old her creeps in, and its like a slap in the face. I think to myself, "here she is, heres the real her".

I agree that wht is in the past is in the past. We dont bring it up, my sisters do i believe, but im not interested.
I keep a healthy distance, hold polite conversation, but keep my son the hell away from her.