In-laws - surely this is not normal

[tex111]

I took DH into A&E on Sunday afternoon with abdominal pain and he was diagnosed with appendicitis. They decided to remove his appendix that night. We have a 2 year old DS who was at the hospital with us and I rang MIL to see if she could come down and stay with DS that night so I could stay at the hospital with DH and be there when he came out of surgery.

It was all very last minute, of course, and the ILs live about two hours away but they've always said that if we ever needed them anytime just to ring. We've never asked for their help before but this was a difficult situation. I could tell MIL was reluctant and she asked me to ring her back in ten minutes so she could speak to FIL. I decided to ring a friend and see if she could help. It meant more work for me because I would need to take DS to her house (she has two small children of her own) and pick him up that night. The friend said absolutely, anything she could do, etc, etc. So I rang MIL and told her I had made other arrangements. I could tell she was relieved.

I'm 12 weeks pregnant. We lost two babies last year and I have an ultrasound in London on Wednesday. Of course, DH will still be in hospital and I'll have to go on my own now. I'm a bit nervous about it and asked MIL if she could perhaps come down on Wednesday and watch DS while I went to the appt or go to the appt with us. Again, reluctance. I dropped it and will go on my own with DS and just make the best of it.

MIL and FIL are not planning to visit DH in hospital, they haven't sent flowers or a card. They have rung the hospital a couple of times and left messages. MIL tried to talk me out of going to the hospital the night DH had his op. She said there was nothing I could really do. I thought that being there for my husband was doing quite a lot and I know he would do the same for me.

Is this normal behaviour?? I know an appendectomy isn't necessarily life threatening but their reaction seems very strange to me. I am American and I know there are cultural differences and I do come from a rather dramatic family that would be at the hospital in a heartbeat and would camp out all night if need be. My mother even talked about flying over to come to the ultrasound on Wed! I just don't know what to think. Quite put out with the ILs, especially after years of 'Anything we can do darling, just ask.'

tex111, your pil sound spookily like mine (also country-living English folk) - very demanding about being visited at their house on their terms but have never offered to help duringfamily crises (nanny illnesses etc) - very set in their ways and conscious of their own "rights" and other people's "duties" but with almost no snese of what other people's lives are like...

GhostofNatt, oh my god! The ILs are always talking about 'grandparents rights' to the point where it frightened me and I actually spoke to a solicitor to see what those rights might be (not much). They've even made it clear that if anything happened to me and DH they would contest our wills, which give guardianship of DS to my sister in the US, and try to get custody! Terrifying thought.

tex111, that is really scary, ugh. i don't think mine would have the energy to want to look after small children, they just think small children should be brought to their house to be played with and then taken away again. They ahve been known to marvel at friends of theirs who actually babysit for / provide regualr care for grandchidren!

That is strange behaviour. My Scots ILs are wonderful and would have come over to look after DD in our own home so she could sleep in her own bed if their son was undergoing surgery like that! They gladly look after DD every Thursday to give DH a break and babysit her anytime.

Our wills also state that if anything happened to both of us my sister in the US would become her legal guardian and DD would go and live w/her family. My ILs see nothing but sense in this and as they get on wonderfully with my parents, there'd be plenty of visits back and forth, which my father would gladly fund.

Your poor husband! DH had his appendix out when he was 22 and it took a while before his abdomen was what it used to be - he was cycling about 20 miles/day at the time.

My FIL either ignores dd or talks in a baby voice to her.... she is continuosly saying to him..thats NOT how you say it grandad.
My MIL pretends she cares for the kids..even though she last seen them a fortnight ago, and she lives a 5min walk/1 min drive from here

my sil is infertile, and we have been made to feel guilty for having 2 kids... a son and and a daughter, i could write a book on them

tex, so sorry you were put in this situation. I don't have in-laws to speak of but my parents can be a bit like this. They are always offering to help but it HAS to be on their terms. When I was due to have my scan we were told we couldn't take our dds as there was no room for them. We asked my parents to look after them, but they wanted to see my brother in a play so they said no. My brother was not bothered if they were there or not! The only alternative was for dh to miss the scan and leave me to go on my own, and since this was a scan for birth defects I was really not keen on this idea. In the end I rang them and explained the whole situation, and I'm afraid I more or less insisted that they came to help. It is the first time we had EVER asked them to do something for us - we've never even asked them to babysit before!

Truth be told, they are "planners" - their whole life has to be mapped out in advance, and they hate having those plans disrupted for anything. They're still grudging about it and I can see us having similar problems when the baby comes along - I can't help worrying that when push comes to shove their offer to look after the dds when I go into labour will "disappear"

Sorry I have no useful advice - just to let you know you are not alone in the "anytime just ask" situation that has a hidden "but only if we want to" caveat.