How to deal with a friend who wants lots of long phone calls? (long and petty, sorry)

[Gentle]

I have a very dear, lovely friend, my oldest friend in fact. She has supported me through all sorts and vice versa over the last 20 years.

Right back when we were first getting to know each other, we noticed just one personality clash. She loves to talk for hours on the phone and I don't. Every few years (so probably about 10 times now) I have raised it with her, and somehow it just creeps back.

I acknowledge that I have a problem with using the phone, would rather not go into that (therapy has helped) but if I get stuck in a long personal phone conversation (20 minutes plus) I sometimes start to physically shake. I've explained this to my friend so many times and she appears to understand... but still she gets on the phone and will happily keep me there for 90 minutes about absolutely nothing - recipes, politics, things friends did 15 years ago. Towards the end of a long one she will even say "Gosh that was pretty good for you, you're normally crap on the phone." I've todl her that upsets me as well as she knows my reasons for phone avoidance.

I must admit sometimes I hear her voice and I just glance at the clock and think "Oh no, there goes my evening."

I've just had to politely try and wrap up a call very quickly. I checked that she was okay and whether she had any big news, kids okay, etc, then she said "Right I think I'd better bugger off then and leave you in peace since you are obviously busy" in a really shitty voice and I couldn't help but just say "Okay then."

I guess I just needed to rant, but does anyone else have a bad phone relationship like this? How do you handle it?

howtotellmum For various reasons (of which phone phobia is one symptom IYKWIM) I have had CBT, person-centred counselling, group therapy, a long (year plus) stretch of voluntary psychotherapy AND tried various SSRIs. All played their part. I have been out of therapy & off medication for some years now. I'm now fine to use the phone for work and for social chats of up to half an hour, more if it's a real emergency (e.g. a long chat, all afternoon if necessary, if a friend is bereaved or been dumped or something) but it comes raging back for certain people who make a habit of using the phone inconsiderately.

You know, I'm beginning to think this is an irreconcilable difference we've got here. Now that I've written it all down, I'm thinking, WHY hasn't she got the message? Am I really asking too much by wanting our phone calls to be around half an hour long, and for her to wrap it up when I say I'm reaching my limit?

I'm starting to doubt whether this is the solid friendship I've always thought it is. Lately I don't even want to hear from her by phone at all, because I know it will end in me feeling terrible and her feeling cheated out of an infinite chat.

YanknCock I like "I have to let YOU go now." Might encourage the other person to, you know, GO!

Did I mention that this friend takes her phone into the loo with her and always says to me that I should do the same?

This is all a bit frustrating, isn't it?!

lol! Every time ( well, not every time) my Mum ends a call to me, she says "I'll let you go now"..

it's a family joke that this is her "kind" way of saying SHE needs to go!

Gentle- maybe you are living up to your name too much?

It does sound as if you are not enjoying this friend's company, albeit on the phone. She sounds rather self-centred and very thick skinned.

It's hard to break such patterns.

IMO, phone calls should be 30 % about you, 30% about the other person and 30% about life in general putting the world to rights etc etc.

If one person is taking up to 90% talking about themselves, they are not really having a conversation, they are just engaging in a type of telephone masturbation, where it could be anyone on the other end.

Maybe you should just gently place the handset down and keep on with your cooking/housework etc until she realises she is not getting any respons!

To me this doesn't sound like a phobia tbh, in that there is nothing irrational about it: who enjoys being jawed at for over an hour? It sounds like you have a friend who is a huge pain in the arse over this issue and isn't listening to your feelings. You need to grow a pair (in the nicest possible way) and get some power back. Your time is precious, she is abusing it, and if you practice the Click Brrrr technique she will get the message.

I read a book called A Woman In Your Own Right by Anne Dickson I think, which was really helpful in learning assertive ways of dealing with stuff like this...you can practice on me if you like: just say "Bof, you are talking out of your arse my love, can you leave my thread please?"

I'll go , but you know what? I'll live! And I'll even be nice to you on another thread, and the world won't have ended. Give it a go, it's very liberating!

BitOfFun

Thanks, there is a lot to your post. I think I've allowed the importance of a good friendship to overrule my rights not to have my ear chewed off.

I think I had that book for years and never looked at it! Will have to try and re-acquire a copy...

Doesn't really deserve a bog off, despite you giving me permission to try out my weak "bog off" muscle!

Gentle, I had a flatmate that carried on the majority of his conversations from the toilet while having a dump.

I'm don't think I'd care too much if a close friend took the phone into the toilet (as long as the conversation didn't last too long), but I count on the fact that the majority of people are bothered and do not want to hear me pee!

The only exception is DH, but the man has seen me projectile vomit and wee myself at the same time (pregnancy is grand, isn't it). Just hearing me pee must be rather tame for him now.

YanknCock LOL, what DHs have to go through eh!

I don't particularly mind hearing her wee, it's more that absolutely nothing will stop her yakking! She expects us to eat, wee and do the housework while chatting on the phone to each other. (I wonder if I could get away with the bodily function of sleeping?!)

Reading it all again, it honestly sounds like she has more of a problem than you do! I mean, she really has to be in contact with someone while she does all this stuff? Does she just really hate to be alone/hate her own company?

And you've clearly told her you're not a 'phone person', made hints which I think most people would be able to 'get', I'm stumped as to what else you can do!

Have a phrase that you say and then hang up...

e.g. in a bright and breezy voice 'right I must go, the cat needs polishing, it's been reallylovely talking to you and I'll talk to you soon.

and then hang up! A substantial sentence at the end should focus her mind that you are actually ending the conversation plus you having that definite end point will result in you being quite energetic and interested in the 15 minute chat that you have before hand and you'll both have a good feeling at the end.

I have one friend I enjoy chatting to on the phone and we do have looooooong conversations. Everyone else I just want to say what's necessary and get off.

Make something up - anything. Someone's calling you, supper's ready, need the loo, doorbell. White lies.

I know you say that she doesn't like computers and emails - but you don't like phone calls...

So next time she calls, could you have your limit of chat and then say that you have to go - for whatever reason, lots of fab ones here - 'but if there is anything that you hasve forgotten, stick it in a quick email, I know you don't like emails but I do, and you know I don't like phone calls but you do, so this way we will both have a bit of something we like (and a bit of something we don't...) byeee' all in one big breath and put the phone down before she has a chance to start up with anything else.

I'm sure that somebody else will think of a much better way to say that but you get my drift.

and you start sending her emails (always prefaced with a 'you prefer phone calls so you call me, but you know I prefer emails so I'll email you...' so that hopefully she will get the message from all sides. If she likes chatting on the phone but not emailing, she probably doesn't equate the two and cannot comprehend that anyone could not like it.

Also - chances are that she hasn't noticed the time and doesn't realise how long she has been on the phone, it is easily done - I can be nattering to my sister or mother for a few minutes and suddenly realise it is an hour later. oops. so for her it might feel like she has been talking to you for 10 minutes and actually it is more like an hour (and feels like half a lifetime to you!)

good luck.

Yes! I hate talking on the phone. I just do not like it. Ten minutes and only with certain people. Right now, I have a friend who is asking to talk about once a week, and she goes on and on for 2-3 hours. I've decided today that I'm going to tell her I can't do it anymore. If I lose the friend, so be it.

I have a friend (an old work colleague) who wants to speak on the phone for 60 mins plus every weekend. I don’t mind speaking on the phone, but only call my mum really apart from her. She also what’s apps me in the week. I need to be tougher as all she does is talk about her own issues. I feel for her as she leads a difficult life with being a single parent to a child with complex needs. I sometimes say i’m busy, but often feel guilty then, as i’m a people pleaser. So I feel your pain, but harder for you as you find phone use difficult. Maybe message her and say you’re sorry but in future you’ll have to stay in touch with messages or voice notes as you’re struggling more with phone use and won’t be using it anymore.

Screen your calls. Don’t answer, but message back that you’ll call her at x time/date- then do it, keep your promise, but do it when you have an immovable reason to end the call after 20 minutes or so.

OR challenge her and say what you’ve said here- that you thought she understood about your phobia, but that the way she tramples over your feelings on the phone and gets snarky or just doesn’t let you go makes YOU feel shitty. Would she accept a compromise of more, shorter calls or a text chat?

You know this thread is 15 yrs old!