Any tips on encouraging dp and i to be a bit more exciting?

[TitsalinaBumsquash]

Sorry should that be dp and me or me and dp? anyway............

I have a distinct feeling at the moment that i our lives are lacking excitment.
We have very few freinds and going out is always for a meal together then home, sometimes its a quick drink at the oub then home which is great sometimes.
Problem is i am very willing to try new things and go new places but dp isn't and gets very anxious about it, for instance we were with friends and they suggested a bar, we got there and it was 'club night' friends started dancing and tried to get us to join in, i did but dp got quite agressive and stormed out. [blish] no reason given just that he doesn't like that sort of thing, i personally knowing him as i do think its embarrisment of trying new things and possibly looking silly or failing.

Anyway, i have tried to get myeslf a social life,i have joined groups and had fun making friends, dp hasn't his hobbies are all based at home indoors.
We used to have a lot of fun going out with friends and doing different things when we were yougner, before the children and i would really like to get that back but dp seems reluctent alomst adimant not to try new things or try to make new friends.

Any tips on encouraging him and making him feel a little less self concious about things? I haven't said anything to him, he is quite sensitive and i don't want to upset him or imply that he is boring becuase he isn't, he had a shockingly bad childhood and family problems as an adult haven't be great either so he is very shy and has no confidence at all.

Help please? TIA

Would it be worth maybe trying something new with a couple of friends so you're all crap beginners together?

My DH and I tried our hand at Salsa dancing (bless him, he's sooo not built for it!) but it actually ended up being a real laugh & the people were great. I'm not suggesting salsa but maybe something he wouldn't be too embarrassed by? Pub quiz? Wine tasting?

DH and I went through exactly this period as well, he didn't really take it seriously until we had a big chat about how isolated and unhappy I was starting to feel.

OP

i could have write this few years ago. I really feel for you. My ex was like this and he had a very bad childhood too. In the end i left him because other issues too. But in your case try some things.

• First of all, dont rely on him otherwise you ll be miserable (i was). Get out with girlfriends.

• My ex didnt like big parties or huge places with many people but he was ok in small groups. So i started slowly to invite people for dinner at ours. Only one couple in the begining, then two. And then we would be invited back by them. He gradually started to enjoy this.

• Meal out with another couple -preferably not very loud people- in a quite restaurant.

• cinema/theatre

_ book club

Did he have counselling for his childhood?

Thats the problem we have VERY few friends, our "friends" are starting to drift away becuase were/dp never up for doing anything.

I am a bit of a free spirit but haven't always been, we used to be reversed roles, dp was more outgoing and i was shy and scared of looking stupid in public, the only thing that got me out of it was the personal feeling of not living, sp i know how he is feeling i was the same but not sure how to combat it. I don't want to end up him resenting the life he has had when he wakes up one day and finds he is old and has done nothing. Plus i figure his "mid life crisis" mmight be more extreme as a result of experiencing nothing now! lol

He had 5 sessions of councelling on the NHS which he said helped a bit but then they stopped we cannot afford to go privatley, the thing is he doesn't think hes unhappy or anything, he is quite happy with life as it is, im not sure how long it will last but i can't see how it can forever.
I certainly am not going to stop doing the new things i am doing as i really enoy them and i enjoy meeting new people and making new friends.

i am glad you are not going to stop!!

My worry wasnt that he ll wake up one day resentful but you. This what happened to me. It is very hard living with someone like this. Am very pleased that you are doing things on your own as living with someone like this can really drag you down.

He MUST continue counselling.

There are plenty places/organisations with free or low cost counselling. Try to google some

My dp is exactly like this and I have to have my own separate social life. A few friends can see through dp difficult exterior and we do things together.

We discovered a shared love of camping a few years ago which saved us, so we do lots of walking, outdoor photography and camping. Since moving here we have met friends who enjoy to do similar things.

I will try to get to continue but like i say its hard as he doesn't see a problem as at the moment he is quite happy, which is nice, i wont resent him like i say i have a good social life but i don't want him to resent me for having one when he realises he doesnt.
Were ment to be going out tommorrow with hos only friends, but i know we are going to sit in thier local untill they decide to move onto bar/club and hey presto we will end up at home really early again........

Dp is exactly like this, his most annoying habit is that whenever we arrive somewhere he says "What time are we leaving?"

Although out the blue a few years ago he booked private dancing lessons for us.

Yes dp even does it when friends are at our house, he sits there looking bored and tired and hinting for them to leave its cringe worthy.
I don't want him to be a bad boy or a daredevil but maybe once in a while he could let loose a bot and i know he might enjoy himself.
I saw some of our old freinds recently, (that didn't trigger my feelings as i was having them before ) but they still seem to be having fun and haven't changed an awful lot, although they don't have children.
I think i would feel better if he did have his own social life, i could cope with seperate ones as long as we still spent time together, we do have some of the same interests but i always have to be the one to book them or arrange it, sometimes i wish i would arrive home and have him say "right i have booked xyz please get changes the bebysitter will be here soon, were going out" it would make me

I think them not having children is more of a factor tbh than your dp.

My dp also takes a dislike to people, especially other men. I had friends pop round for a cup of tea the other day and do would not even come in the room. It was mortifyingly cringe worthy.

Its not even other men! He is polite to everyone but never wants to make the effort to see anyone again so friendships are never formed!

If dp decides he likes someone he will make the effort but it is very rare. He does see himself as the alpha male of the house and dont think he has ever got on with another man that I have known.

I don't think dp would give a toss if i was good friends with a male and i was socialising with them, i have male friends in a group i attend 2 nights a week and he doesn't care/mind but if i were to introduce them he would probably be polite then never mention it again, its the same with women.................. I just sometimes think he must want more out of life?!

How old is he?

Really odd. Your nickname is what my exh used to call me!

Your dp would call you TitsalinaBumsquash?

yep! he was a nasty git to me entirely

It is an insult? I have never heard of it. I hope I did not upset you with the

I had small tits and a big bum. Yes, I thought it an insult and he knew I hated it, but still used it. He was a very nasty(violent)man towards me. I have never heard it outside my own experience before this ts&p. Spooky actually.

No, you couldn't upset me, you are lovely!

Good, I just googled it as I was really worried what I had said, there are TitsalinaBumsquash's everywhere unless the MN one is everywhere

I'm afraid I can identify with your dp, I am exactly the same . Me and my dp have had huge rows about it this week, he keeps saying he 'needs to feel alive', but I just find meeting up with people terryifing. I also can't wait for the evening to end, and the thought of a busy pub, with a group of friends-Yikes!! He wanted to invite some mates over to our house who were visiting from abroad, but I got in such a state about it, that he went and met them in a restaurant on his own. Im like 'mrs Mainwaring' from Dad's Army, people know me by name but never get to meet me Im afraid I don't know the answer to your dp's problem, but can only say that Im sure he doesn't do it do upset you, I would love to enjoy soialising as much as my dp wants me to. I'll keep watching for any tips that might be posted.

Sorry my nickname brings back bad memorys for you SOLO, i have big boobs and a big bum a lady who used to look after me as a teen nicknamed me it and it was the first thing that came to mind when i had to namechange.
I am not everywhere so they must be other BumSquashes!

Beanie35 - Thanks for your post it is good to hear from some one on the other side of the story, im sure dp would never do anything to upset me i think i shall just take things slowley and try to ease him out of his comfort zone very little at a time to see how he reacts.

No, it's fine Squash, really. He's burned into my very soul unfortunately, so you haven't done anything at all...