AIBU with my bottom line on DP's drug-taking?

[Quibbler]

Which is that I would like him not to do it. At all.

He isn't an addict. He takes ecstasy and ketamine a few times a year when clubbing with friends, and smokes weed about as many times. It isn't often.

Firstly, dabblings in drug-taking should end when kids arrive, surely? Secondly, DP has a recent history (not from when we first got together) of alternating periods of depression and hypomania. He has evaded a diagnosis of a mood disorder, but displays many of the symptoms. And to my knowledge, recreational drug-taking is a bad idea for anyone prone to mood extremes.

Drugs don't appear to be a direct trigger for DP's up and down moods. But I feel that, particularly because he doesn't take medication, DP should do all he can to self-manage responsibly, and this would include eliminating or reducing even potential triggers from his life. Plus, we don't know what the latent effects of drug-taking could be. Hence, I think his taking these drugs while staying up all night clubbing and depriving himself of sleep, however infrequently, is unacceptable. (And the sleep deprivation is significant for him).

AIBU and a control freak, or - given the past and potential effects on me and family members of DP going up/down - am I well within my rights to insist he steer clear? He thinks he's managing the risk just fine, and I'm not convinced.

YANBU - drugs and parenthood don't mix imo

i don't necesseraly agree that recreational drug taking should end when kids arrive.as long as you are not in a position where you have to be responsible for child care the next morning i see no problem with the odd wild night out.
his depression is another matter, but if the two are unconnected i can see why he might choose to ignore your argument.

as far as what you are willing to accept in a relationship, that's a personal matter only for you to decide. but i'd view your position as unreasonable to expect someone to never touch recreational drugs again if it is not adversely affecing their life.

You're not being unreasonable!

Have just googled ketamine and it should absolutely not be taken by people who have history of mental illness, depression or mood problems as it can trigger mental illness. It should also not be taken with alcohol as it can lead to coma.

Smoking dope with a history of depression etc is hardly a good idea either although very infrequent smoking is hardly on the same mind altering level as ketamine.

The ketamine and ecstasy for me would be a huge massive no-no with no compromise. Stuff like that is fine when you're young, carefree, sound of mind and have no responsibility for anyone except yourself.

its a funny one this isn't it - its about what each of us individually thinks are correct boundries.

illegal drugs are a boundry for me

but i am sure a discussion will ensue regarding their comparison to legal drugs etc etc.

yeah that's normally how these threads evolve. a bit late in the day for me to get drawn into one of them.
but yeah i think drugs are ok, so obviously i'm not gonna see a problem with someone having an occassional big night.
others are completely anti-drugs as soon as a kid arrives, so their answers are equally as obvious

Thanks for posts.

I wondered if the issue of parents occasionally using recreational drugs would be contentious. Before DP experienced any marked highs or lows in mood, I was borderline tolerant of him dabbling a few times a year. My view has changed with his changing moods, and after he once took ecstasy while 'up' in mood (and therefore more risk-taking and irresponsible than he might usually be), before being due to care for DS the next day, and was absolutely, unquestionably not in a fit state to do so. Ergo, he crossed a line with the dabbling at this point, and I feel justified in entertaining a zero tolerance stand on drug-taking. He needs to be a responsible parent, and to take reasonable steps to keep his moods in balance - and the two are linked. He thinks I am being too severe, and I'm torn between thinking 'tough' and giving him a second chance. My instinct is that, with already unstable mental health in the frame, it should be a straight no.

Ecstasy and ketamine are a different kettle of fish to dope though. The come downs from ecstasy and ketamine can be horrendous, crashing down after an almighty high.

With dope, obviously it's not the same so I think if it were me, I would be able compromise on the smoking. Yes, I know that dope can affect the mind but anyone who has experience of the three drugs will know where I am coming from. I've never had a 'come down' after smoking a joint. I wasn't going to mention this as too but many years ago I had a very, very bad experience with ketamine after it was sold to my old friends and I as something else. My head was seriously messed up for about 6 weeks afterwards and I never took any other recreational drug after that (apart from the occasional joint). I don't know if it affected me in that way because the drug wasn't what I expected it to be, so was a shocker of an experience (to say the least). For the record I don't take any type of drugs nowadays and haven't for years.

At the end of the day it down to you though and what you think is ok. That is what matters, it is how it affects your life.

As an ex-recreational drug user and a psychologist I would probably say not to put too much emnphasis on this with regards to his mood stability if it is only a couple of times a year.

While ecstasy can lead to a depletion of serotonin causing low mood in the days directly after use there is no evidence that it causes any long term mental health problems. Even with smoking weed, although there has been a lot of stuff in the media lately about links to schizophrenia and other delusional disorders it is still pretty unlikely there is a causal relationship.

What is more important IMO is that he looks after himself on a day to day basis, eating well and getting enough sleep and making sure he takes time to relax and do things he enjoys and that he has good awaremess of the early signs of any depression/hypomania. Taking care of himself consistently will likely have more of an effect on his physical and mental well-being than the occasional blowout.

I don't think you said how old he is but I also think drugs are really a young man's game, IMO the responsibilities and hang ups we have when we're no longer young and carefree do not tend to mix well with staying up all night and geting wasted, not to mention how much longer physically it takes to recover!

I totally feel for you and it must be a worry but as I said the occasional big night out probably isn't the most important factor for dh's health.x

I have been a recreational drug user (albeit fairly limited in types) in the past and now i am a parent I feel that smoking an occassional joint is far more prefferable (in mine and my husbands world) than even drinking alcohol.

I am from a liberal background and like many others in this thread feel there is a distinct difference between a joint and ketamine or ecstasy. I dont think you're being harsh - class A drugs should be done and dusted in parenthood unless i guess you go away and have a fair few days to recover.

Good luck