My family won't come to my wedding!!!

[glitterdolphin]

I'm getting married in the summer but my family say they aren't coming. I am 41 and it is my second marriage. I have 2 children of my own and my partner has 1. My relationship with my dp hasn't always been easy and unfortunately I involved my mum in a lot of my problems, instead of working them out with my dp. She was alright about it at first, it was only when we decided to do it at her church (my hometown) that she got all funny. It became apparent that she had been discussing my relationship problems with all and sundry and now she feels embarassed because we are tying the knot at last.

My mum has always been quite controlling and even though I am 41, she still thinks she knows best about how I should run my life. I had the nerve to tell her a couple of weeks ago that she shouldn't judge me because she hasn't exactly had a perfect life and she exploded. She hasn't spoken to me since, except to tell me that none of the family would be coming. I wouldn't actually mind, because I want it to be my happy day and she is such a negative person, I think she will make an atmosphere, but I am worried about what my dh's family will think about me having none of family there.

I wish she would accept that I need to choose my own path, I am an adult, for God's sake! She says she is worried about the children because there was some friction between my dh and my ds who is 16, but they have been getting on much better now and my ds is going to give me away. I think that says it all really.

Don't be silly, you are only 41 and she is your Mum. Of course she knows best. I am 51 and my sister is 61 and my mum still knows best for both of us - you ask her.

Sorry to be jokey, this must be very difficult for you. But you seem to have a very clear grip on what is happening and she seems to be totally out of order and behaving like a tantruming teenager. Stick to your guns; if your worry is about what DPs family will think then make sure they know what to expect and just smile through it all.

And it may well be that the rest of your family would rather be at your wedding and make their own minds up.

Just enjoy your wedding with the people who want to celebrate with you.

Although, if you have had a bad time with your partner, could she be worried that you are making a mistake? Are things with your dp all sorted now?

A word of advice for anybody who thinks they may marry their DP in the future: don't tell people your relationship problems. It makes it difficult for them to see why you then choose to marry that person.

My friend built herself up to finishing with her DP, not that he was horrible or anything, but he wasn't right for her. I listend to her and supported her through it all, and agreed with her reasons etc. Anyway she finished with him and he said 'will you marry me' and she said yes.

And I was like - okaaaaaay! That's er, great news!

Maybe that's nothing like what you're going through here - why does your mum say she doesn't want to some?

... I should also say that as a teenager, my mum insisted on telling me the hideous and gory details of her dysfunctional relationship with my stepdad. She would tell me more and more stuff to turn me against him, then she would decide to forgive him and leave me hanging, not knowing what I was supposed to think.

They ended up getting married and we all went and had a great time. I love them both very dearly. But I don't allow her to say one word about her relationship any more as I can't bear hearing about it, especially as all she wants to do is offload but still stay with him.

That's just it MorrisZapp. I did offload and we'd been through a really tough patch. I had a hysterectomy last June and a lot of the problems stemmed from that, my hormones all over the place etc. I do feel bad, because I know I've brought this upon myself and she probably is worried. We have sorted things out now and when he asked me, I didn't hesitate. He is putting in a lot of effort, even doing a parenting course and he's bought loads of books about step families, bless him, which we are reading together. I just wish she'd see that, but she seems to focus on the negative. She is someone who sees life as a struggle and always has. Also she don't arf gossip!!!!

She told me to f* off and that she never wanted to speak to any of us ever again. I persume she meant me and my dp, not the kids. That was because I told her that she shouldn't judge me as she's had a less than perfect life herself. She says that she never had any choices in her life. I am sorry but I don't think that's true and I told her so. Everyone has choices, it just suits her to play the victim all the time. Men are all bastards, etc etc. She will never take responsibility for things she has done. I had a pretty horrendous childhood due to some of her actions, but my brother and sister had a far worse time because she put them in care. If she just said: "I'm sorry, I was young, I made a lot of mistakes..." Everyone would accept it and move on, but she won't, so when she tells me I am doing the wrong thing for my children, just because my ds and dp where having a few problems, which we have now resolved, I'm sorry but I see red!

I think you should get on with your life and make no further effort to communicate with her. (everyone's going to pile into thread and tell you not to listen to me ) but truly, I think too much importance is attached to random genetic ties. If someone is not bringing anything positive to your life, dump them and be happy without them. You don't need anyone who makes you feel bad.

Thanks. I have often thought that my life would be much easier without her in it. Though I feel guilty saying it, but I think you are right twopence. She has made me feel bad about myself since I was a child. Life is too short.