I don't fancy my husband anymore

[Lewi2]

Hi, I know this is going to sound shallow, but since my husband has put on 5 stone in weight I just don't fancy him anymore. I know people say its personality not looks etc, but when we married, he was 13 stone, but in the last 2-3 years he has gone up to 18 stone. I was 9 and half stone when we married and only 10 stone now. He is good husband and father I just worry about the health aspects too. He keeps saying how I look nice because I have a good figure, but I don't know how to reply to him. He has massive double chin and he breathe does smell like poo. I have bought us both mouthwash and tried subtely to get him to use it (I said to him that i thought my breath may smell, so it would be handy for us both to use mouthwash). I am using mine, be he doesn't use his. He does make fun of larger ladies on telly saying things like 'I'm glad I'm not married to a lard arse woman' etc etc, but doesn't seem bothered that he has put on so much weight.
I know I must seem horrid, but I just can't bring myself to have him anywhere near me, I feel sick if he tries anything on with me, and close my eyes and just wish for him to get it over and done with when we have sex.
We've been married 13 years, and I feel like I am being torn apart inside. I am trying so hard to fancy him, but his massive belly, chin and smelly breathe is making me feel ill.
Please help, as don't know what to do, why can't I just love him the way he is, why don't I fancy him, I know he fancies me. HELP

I think you need to be honest with him. He deserves it and it will spare him the agony of wondering whether it is more than just how he looks that you don't like.
Maybe next time he makes a comment on larger ladies, point out that he is being a little bit hypocritical. The longer you leave it, the more hurtful it will become.
And although it does sound shallow, and women would probabaly be outraged if their dh said it to them,you can't help how you feel about him physically. Don't beat yourself up about it but do address it sooner rather than later. It won't be easy but I belive the longer you let it go on the more your relationship, physical and otherwise, will degenerate.

Just take a deep breath and tell him...
if he cares about you, his DCs and his own health ( which he doesn't seem to at the moment) he needs to wake up to face facts.

I know exactly how you feel and BEG you to tell him how you feel before it is too late. He will probably snap to start with but it might just work. The same thing happened to me and I tried telling my husband but he always had excuses. In the end I had an affair. My husband took 3 weeks to shed 2 stone in weight from the stress of it all but it has ruined our marriage because no matter how good he looks now, he is a changed man emotionally and I am a changed woman.
Looking back I wish I had just started male friendships and started going out a little without my husband but steered clear of men I really really felt something for. Men need competition to motivate them so find a fab looking man that you don't fancy and start inviting him around when your husband is there.
Oh and buy him a bike and book him in to the hygeinist at the dentist (say they had a deal on!)
Good Luck
Xx

You don't seem horrid. IMO you are not being direct enough.

You bought mouthwash and told him it's because you think your breath might smell. Surely from that all he can deduce is that you are worried that your breath might smell. Why should he pick up any hidden meaning and why can't you just tell him straight.

It occurs to me that you are letting him get away with bad behaviour so he might as well get fat and have smelly breath because you do your best to conceal the fact that you mind.

Sorry to sound a bit tough, but these are my thoughts. I think you should have a serious talk with him and for the sake of your mental health and your and marriage stop concealling your feelings like this.

anyone who overeats, is suffering with low self esteem, perhaps he senses that your relationship is based on conforming to being thin, etc etc. And he doesn't feel loved for who he is perhaps? My ex really went on and on and on about my weight, which totally wrecked my self confidence, and I felt utterly unloved. He used to make me go on torturous walking sessions, I nearly lost my life almost slipping over the side of a cliff, just to make the little shit happy. But he wasn't satisfied with who I was. Eventually after having his child and him not being there to support me I realized he wasn't the one for me. I would concentrate on building his confidence to make him feel more loved, otherwise I can see your marriage heading for the bin, if its all based on looks only. Love should be unconditional

Tiger, I don't think the OP is saying her marriage is based on looks only.

I think it's perfectly reasonable that she tells her husband in as diplomatic a way as she can that his weight gain is very unattractive as well as unhealthy and that he needs to do something about it.

I'd be putting him on a strict diet, taking him out for bike rides/to the gym, generally supporting him as much as possible, but making it clear that he either bucks his ideas up and loses the weight or she'll be reappraising their relationship.

I also don't think that necessarily over eating = low self esteem.

I've definitely rounded out in middle age, am 10.5 stone which looks quite lardy on me.

I admit however that I'm fat because I'm greedy and lazy. My self esteem however is pretty healthy

tigergal, sorry for what you went through but your post isn't very helpful for this situation. There could be many reasons why the OP's H has put on weight and she is in no way punishing him.

I don't think it's shallow not to have an 18 stone man on top of you when you weigh about half that and I don't think it's shallow not to kiss someone with bad breathe, possibly due to gingivitis because they are not brushing and flossing regularly.

Bringing other men around to make him jealous sounds like unhelpful advice too.

I'd ask you, OP, what are you actually scared of in having an open conversation with him?

try playing a sport with him: squash, tennis, badminton, jogging...help him

mm, the OP is over a year old?

Bugger, didn't realise the thread is over a year old!

Why do people resurrect these??

don't know but I would be interested to hear how/if it was resolved!