Just need a rant and a moan, please ignore.

[giddykipper]

DP does bugger all around our house without being pestered (correction - he irons his and DSD's shirts, that's it). I consider it pestering, he considers it reminding and is happy for me to do it. I just don't see why a grown man should need to be reminded about obvious stuff that needs doing. It makes me feel like I'm his mother.

This weekend I've just slowly built myself into a rage about it (compounded by the fact that he is ill but won't go to the doctor), to the point where I had a go at him about it this evening. We've also had the weekend without DSD so we could have had lots of 'early nights' but for the fact that he's been ill and I've been fed up. Now he's just left for 3 nights away with work and I'm all sad that I've fallen out with him and that the weekend has been wasted.

It's not that he expects me to do it all, it just genuinely doesn't cross his mind until I point it out to him. His mum is a hoarder and lives in a pigsty, he hasn't been brought up with any sense of household chores. Part of the issue is now that DSD (who is almost 13 and lives with us) gets a bad example from him, so she does nothing around the house and I am constantly falling out with her for leaving towels on the floor, not tidying up after herself, losing stuff etc etc. So she must feel like I'm a constant nag. I think I'm going to put post-its around the house in pertinent places "hang towels up", "put rubbish in the bin", "put cups in the dishwasher" etc.

Please don't have a go at me.

Don't waste time worrying over a wasted weekend. Can you give him a call and make up over the phone? At least if you can do this it will make you and him feel better till he gets back.

Then when he does get back, have a good long chat with him, non confrontational, explain to him that you know that you are much more tidier than him etc but that you do expect him to pull his weight. Also, he must be seen to try and get daughter to do the same and that at her age it is a good example to her.

I'm not making excuses for him, but it could just be that he does have lower standards. It is hard to undo learned behaviour that has become normal. Sometimes I think men don't really notice the stuff that we women do, or it doesn't bother them the same.

Fighting about it won't solve it. Some way of agreeing to all have a share in helping and maybe rewarding your/his daughter for doing certain chores etc? Teenagers are bad for being extra messy too and for not caring. A bit of compromise from all of you would help loads.

Give him a call though and get talking again, life is too short for falling out huh

Good advice HG. Situation sounds familiar...

Thanks HG for putting it in perspective.

I do need to lighten up. We have had the talk about him pulling his weight and setting a good example but as you say, learned behaviour is hard to undo. We got a cleaner because I couldn't cope with all the cleaning as well as tidying (and working almost full time!). I love him to pieces and couldn't imagine him not being here, so most of the time I just deal with the issue. Sometimes it just gets the better of me though.

It's hard to reward DSD for doing chores as she doesn't want for anything. She has no interest in material things, she has as much computer time as she wants, I can't think what I could 'bribe' her with!

i used to start moring off kids breakfast, bath, dressed, school, washing up, hoover, tidy kids bedrooms, make the beds, feed the animals, clean litter trays, wash the floors, bleach bathroom, clean tolilet, washing, hanging out, finally home time pick kids up etc.... then my partner turned round to me and says is their anything you want me to do just ask??? then say well you didnt ask when he has his arse stuck on a p.c chair all day then blame me for not asking?? why exactly do they do that and then blame you for not askin WHY?? AND say oh you look tired??