Best ways of breaking a breakup to the kids

[wickerman]

Me and H have been in trouble for a long time, not sleeping together for 18 months, and he has been living elsewhere during the week for the past 7. (The kids just think he is working away during the week, as he is pretty much always doing that anyway.) It's become apparent that things are not getting any better, and I realised last week that it is, actually, over.

We have a dd with mental health problems and that has been one of our big fears about breaking up, that we will just make life completely untenable for her, but given that it is pretty untenable for both of us, we don't really have a choice (and yes, we have done relate, schmelate, etc, to death). I am reading books about divorce and kids, but would love to hear advice from mners, both on what to do and on what not to do.

I think if I was the dds, I would like to be told as clearly and simply as possible, whilst being reassured that both me and their dad still totally love them, and that they will not see their dad any less than they do atm(hardly at all.). I'm prepared that it might make dds symptoms much worse for a while, but I think this no man's land of unbearable tension is probably not helping her either.

bumpissime.

think it depends on your kids' ages too.

some friends of ours actually did it really gradually since the H was working away during the week. He eventually ended up getting a flat of his own and so the idea of the parents living separately became the status quo and was hardly noticed. The parents in this case thought it better than to just make some great big heavy announcement.

Don't know if that helps but am sure others will be along with good ideas for you.

I agree, my parents told us very plainly and clearly that they were separating, that they did not love us any less etc etc.

I am also a step-parent. I have had my 2 SDDs for 7 years now and the youngest struggled more than the older I think. You know what she was most confused over? As she never saw or heard her parents arguing and they seemed good friends (which they were and still are it is just that the marriage was over) she could not work out why they could not just continue to live together. This is natural, kids are unable to understand the depths of love, hell, I don't think many of us adults do sometimes either.

SO, what to watch out for. Well, kids are very literal, so if you say they are going to spend time with you or with their dad then is HAS TO HAPPEN. No letting down at the last minute, no sudden change of plans, even if the plans means a trip to some exciting place if they were expecting to see a particular parent then it has to happen.

SDD2 has issues with emotion etc and struggles to express empathy or say how she feels/felt. We found that putting a big chart on her wall and filling in each weekend, where she would be, who she would be seeing etc really helped. She then felt more in control and could look forward not backwards.

i know you wouldn't do this but NEVER EVER slag the other partner off or case any blame either way. Kids will struggle to think of you are being 'nasty' to the other parent so never even a passing comment. Make sure all your phone calls to friends/relatives are once they are in bed or where they cannot hear you. A one sided conversation can be misinterpreted, especially if you are upset or angry.

Be prepared for LOTS of questions, be calm and patient and offer a reasonable explanation even if you are saving them from the whole truth sometimes. A little white fib doesn't hurt, just make sure you are consistent and keep them at a level of loving and nurturing. Don't deal in lies, it never works, however, they don't need to know the exact ins and outs of 'adult' issues whilst they are still so small.

NEVER let them do something then say 'don't tell your Dad' otherwise they will play it against you at some time (!) and be prepared for them to play one of you off against the other without allowing yourself to feel hurt. Like, 'At Daddy's we can stay up till 10pm and eat chocolate'. Obviously not true and a quick text out of their earshot can give you a double check. Plan your rules between you and DH and be consistent at both houses.

Never carry a punishment over from one house to the next, they need to know you are not 'dobbing' them in to the other parent. If they are due a punsishment for something they have done with you then carry it out at your house in your time allowing their time with the other parent to be all about that relationship.

SOrry, I have waffled on and on! I am sorry to hear that you have reached this point but you are being kinder to the kids to do it now rather than when you are at your wits end. You cannot be the parent they need if you are stressed and upset. Good luck x

Ah. The Talk.

Child of divorced parents here, so can give you a kids eye view.

The way I found out? Worst. Way. Ever.

3 years old mum and dad have been arguing a lot. Spent a few nights at the top of the stairs watching them having horrible fights, but never really knowing what's happening. One morning I come downstair to mum standing up in her dressing gown wailing "He's gone". "Who's gone?" "Daddy's gone." "Daddy goes to work every day, Mummy, I know it's upsetting, but he'll be home later" "No. He's GONE" Wails and cries Eventually I started crying too 'cos she's so upset. That was all the explanation I got. Apart from sitting in a solicitors office a few months later being asked who I want to live with. I say Daddy, Mum tells me that I don't mean that. I really did.

So don't do that!

It's always going to be upsetting and stressful. You have to start from there, steel yourself.

Don't let it get into lurid detail, just state the facts.

Emphasise that it's NOT THEIR FAULT.

Explain that they'll get to see you both.

Listen to DD's. REALLY listen.

Be honest about your feelings and answer
their questions as honestly as you can.

Again, you don't need to go into lurid detail, but honesty is best.

Give them time to get used to it. You've known things aren't salvagable for some time, they're just learning it so they'll need to get used to it.

They'll probably be angry at you individually or both for a bit, they'll probably go through the grieving process. I know things'll be difficult for you emotionally, but remember that it will be for them too.

Don't sugar coat to protect DD with mental health issues. I'd suggest you both make a plan and set clear boundaries you can stick to so she knows where she stands. That'll make it easier for her. Consistency will be key. I suspect that once the dust settles she'll actually feel better. People with mental health issues are often acutely sensitive to emotional undercurrents. I imagine she is already under stress from your break-up and the limbo you're lving in.

Don't forget other DD, she'll need support too.

www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/l/loudon_wainwright_iii/your_mother_i.htmlThis song is a sadly sweet song about breaking the news.

so sorry to read this
in our case we sat them down and told them straight
they knew it was coming tbh
expect probs.with behaviour for an indefinite period of time
all you can do is keep reassuring them that you both love them regardless and that will always love them whether you remain married or not
best of luck
xx