Am I fighting a losing battle?

[indecisivemumof4]

I have been married to my husband for 14 years and over those years we have had hundreds of distructive rows and I'm left feeling completely mushed, not quite sure how we got there, made to feel like it's all my fault and then whilst he recovers overnight and in the morning wants us to continue completely unscathed I'm left recovering all week over the devastatingness of it and how I went wrong. He is very good at apologising afterwards and expects that to be it, if I carry on being hurt he blames me for dragging it out and ruining the next day too, even though it could have been devastating.
We have been to couple counselling twice, the first time we spent the time talking about how disfunctional my family were (I was devastated because I had always thought I had had a good upbringing - I later realised that this was all manipulated by my DH.) The second time I was told that if I liked 96% of my husband I should learn to live with the 4% I hated.
We do get on in between the nastiness and what I would call very manipulative behaviour, he doesn't swear or call me names much but can reduce me to tears in minutes, lies about what he has said and then denies it ever happened later on. Like I said before he then recovers very quickly and is surprised that I take days to recover.
Anyway, not surprisingly, I am shutting down more and more after every episode and now I have moved out of the bedroom (we have no sex life) and whilst being civil there is obviously coldness there. He is very worried, says he is very lonely, he has no family and generally makes me feel sorry for him. I can feel myself just drifting on and on except I have completely cut myself off emotionally and I know that can't carry on. I can't take anymore of the manipulation and feeling that in some way it is all my fault. I know he starts it and then denies it and I feel actually in myself quite relieved as I know longer feel able to get hurt again.
I have tried to explain this to him and that I want him to stop making me feel shit but he just says that it can't be all him and I'm making him feel bad and that he refuses to believe its his fault completely. He wants us to carry on as if everything is fine as usual. I struggle to see how he can love me when he looks at me with such hatred and I certainly am not sure I love him anymore. I feel dead really.
This is a really long waffle but it's difficult to stop once you get started!
Do i continue trying to get him to own it or am I fighting a losing battle, that is my question!

He sounds horrible: an inadequate, selfish, manupulative bully. I'm afraid you;ve had an excellent lesson in how couple-counselling doesn;t work when one partner is abusive and controlling - unless the counsellor has some brains experience of abusive relationships, the counsellor is often manipulated by the abuser, but this is partly because couple=counselling is about not taking sides.
Sometimes, when you recognize that your partner is emotionally abusive it can be like a light going on and you can refuse to put up with it any more (dealing with it like a toddler tantrum but staying calm) - though sometimes this means the partner steps up the abuse and may get violent.

I definitely feel like a light has gone on and that is why I feel so much better. I no longer have to spend huge parts of my day trying to work out why I am getting it so wrong and why I am so detached. Just difficult to explain to him thats all. I wonder if it is worth it, will I get anywhere.

No - you won't.

He'll deny it - he already does, so if you ever say "well you do x y z" he'll twist it and say it's because you do abc or make him feel whatever....

none of it is acceptable; he's responsible for his behaviour, but he'll never own it as you want him to - abusers rarely do