Lack of consideration - I know this is quite common but why does he not realise?

[Marigolds]

I will just give you some examples

Every Sunday I read the same parts of the newspaper. Every Sunday he buys the paper, takes out the bits he wants, and throws the other bits (the bits I like) into the recycling bin (outside so sometimes they get trashed in the rain). Every Sunday I ask him to please keep those bits for me, every Sunday he forgets.

Quite often I cook and leave leftovers for the next days. He walks past the kitchen and throws them in the bin. He says he thinks they were rubbish.

His one household chore is putting away clothes (I do the rest) yet when it comes to my work stuff, he will hang the shirts up on square hangers, shove the trousers in a drawer and generally muck up the clothes. I asked nicely if he could take a bit more care with my clothes otherwise I end up having to do a load of ironing (which can be avoided and takes loads of time, time which is v precious to me) and I got the eye rolling 'ffs I don't comment on what you do...'

I know those are minor examples but it's loads of those all the time.

And I am not a nagging person at all but it's got to the stage where I feel I am biting my tongue because if I do have a go, he turns it around and gets all passive aggressive and says 'oh I can never do anything right' which is not what I mean arrghhhhh

I just want a little bit of consideration. Is that too much to ask?

why are you still with someone who doesn't care about you?

No of course not.
Not sure what the solution is but if my DH did that with the newspaper even once I'd be fuming. Is he an only child by any chance? In my house when the sunday papers arrived it would be divided many ways and then hang around the house for days until everyone was done.

I don't know what you can do if you've told him and he 'forgets', I'd say he isn't really forgetting but it's some kind of way to get at you. The paper and food thing, anyway. The clothes thing is probably just him being sloppy.

These would make my blood boil - he is being selfish and thoughtless. The newspaper thing takes the bluddy biscuit!! My DH can be like this and recently I'd got so ground down by it - and feared talking to him for the reasons you state i.e. accusations of nagging and / or passive aggressive responses - so I wrote down what was bothering me and some proposed solutions and gave them to him to read. It didn't go brilliantly at 1st as true to form he went straight into PA behaviour and just stared at me without speaking. I then burst into tears (was quite hormonal at the time ) and told him little things all added up and actually made my life much more stressful and him much less appealing to me! He was a bit but seemed desperate to stop me crying and agreed to make more effort. He has been a lot better since!

yes he is an only child, how interesting, had never thought of it from that perspective

he certainly struggles with the whole 'family' ethos and when he is with his parents, it is as though he walks on water

the thing is, he does care and he does love me, I am sure of that but his actions do not portray that. These are so minor in the greater scheme of things if you see what I mean but they are starting to really wind me up more and more.

Part of me wants to slap myself and say 'get a grip, you've got a wonderful father to your children and husband' but another part of me wants to scream 'OH FFS JUST THINK ABOUT YOUR ACTIONS AND THEIR IMPACT ON ME' arrrghhh

we have been together 10 years - I also wonder whether it's the passage of time and he's just getting more and more sloppy. I just don't know.

yes, I can understand why you did that Sparkle. I did a similar thing and he did change for a little bit but then morphed back to the way he is now but it was also perfectly clear to me that he was changing not because he wanted to but because he thought I was being a bit mad about the whole thing

In my rant I actually said to DH that the small daily irritations made me forget about his good points and that I'd seriously considered that it might be better for us to live apart. Like your DH, he is at core a decent man and a good father but I couldn't face feeling like his mother rather than his wife any more. Sounds over-dramatic but I felt the lack of consideration was fundamental to our whole relationship. Like your DH i expect he'll slip back into his old ways BUT I'm not putting up with it any more so I won't let myself get to exploding point again.

I think that Marla, he doesn't. He thinks all these things (housework, reading papers, cooking) are all incidental to life and in a way, he has a point. But several times in our marriage, I've had to sit him down and point out how these things impact me and he just does not seem to get it.

He gets quite upset when I point out that I feel uncherished by these actions, he just doesn't get it at all and I cannot see how I can get this automatic 'think of others' emotion into his head.

oh sparkle that's exactly how I feel

A few years ago, I said to him that these actions make me not like him very much and that in turn, puts me off having sex with him (it annoys me that I had to put it into these terms but I knew he would understand that ) and then he seemed to listen. But in a way, it annoyed me more that he would pay attention because he thought it would impact him iyswim!

I explained that it makes me resentful, which it does. I can't have sex with someone I feel doesn't respect me, though I know he does, he just doesn't show it iyswim. Perhaps I need to go down this route again. Sigh.

Oh lawks yes - as one of my good friends said at the time - if only he realised that clearing up after himself and occasionally emptying the dishwasher or cooking a meal would get him a much more amorous wife! But like you I think it is insulting to have to reduce it to an equation of x + y = sex. Double sigh. I sometimes dream of living in adjoining houses a la Mia and Woody - although it didn't work for them

If you started to do some things along the same lines would he notice? Or maybe that's too childish. But if you get to the paper and throw his bits outside before he gets to it for a few sundays and forget to cook something for him or anything else you can think of and when he notices then explain that is what he does to you.
Otherwise order TWO papers and get a cleaner who irons and puts the clothes away and he gets the bill, practical financial impacts my make him notice.

Why don't you not do his ironing and let him put his own stuff away. You do the DC's and your own and put your own stuff away. That will make him think twice..

Ask him 2 buy 2 newspapers as mamas12 suggets.

If you work he should be helping with household chores. He is behaving like a spoiled brat and you seem to be letting him away with it.

Hmm. Agree with all posters here but think sometimes if they (les hommes) think they are being bossed they get all childish and passive aggressive. Particularly if they are pfbs, only children, etc.

Could you perhaps give him a list of ALL the household chores there are and let him choose the ones he wants to do, so he can "own" them and work out his own system? I know my ex just cannot be a team player or obey dictates from me. He has to feel in control of ANYTHING he does - only then does he do it half way adequately, otherwise it's done very passive aggressively and almost deliberately incompetently.

sparkle, we obviously live very similar lives

there are some similarities with what others have posted too

I had a big long chat with him this afternoon...he felt very sad that I felt this way and said he had not deliberately meant to make me feel that way at all (which I do believe) and he then found another pile of papers he had kept for me from last week (which he had forgot about lol). So things are looking up and I will take your advice Sparkle, and just make sure I keep it going this time!

Thanks for everyone's comments. I do think the pfb/only child issue has come into play a lot here and he lived on his own for many many years so did not have to think about other people but it's never too late to learn imo!

Anyway, has all ended ok and I will keep in the back of my mind that I need to keep it up!

How is the rest of your relationship?

My DH is lovely to me 99% of the time, but he has what I call annoying habits....

My DH is pretty uselss with some stuff too- I iron his shrts and T shirts, put the shirts on hangers, put the T shirts on the bed/chair/ somewhere in the bedroom for him to hang up- and he doesn't. They are often left on the chair under a pile of other clothes ( his) and then they need re-ironing- which I WILL not do!

He never replaces a new loo roll on the holder - plonks it on windowsill.

He is VERY untidy- any surface will do for anything- paperwork is littered all over the house on tables, tops, stereo speakers etc. Until I move them ( to dust) then I am in the wrong for moving stuff. Er, no.

he will stack the dishwasher, and do what he thinks constitutes tidying the kitchen, but that does not include washing pans that won't fir in dishwasher, or wiping down work tops. He leaves pans to soak- and that might be for 2 days if I didn't need them- and have to do them myself.

The reason Ilist all of this is because my DH really thinks he is doing nothing wrong and it is possible that yours is just a slow learner....just keep trying is all I can say.

Mine drives me bananas. He

goes out with his friends a couple of times a week at least and invariably comes home pissed, no earlier than 1.30 am, wakes me up with unreciprocated amorousness, is useless the next day and can't get up with our son (even though it's usually his turn) and then can't understand why I'm fed up. It's not the going out, it's the repetition. I need my sleep!

removes his socks and tosses them in the living room/dining room/kitchen but crucially, one about half an hour after the other, so that when the sock collecting fairy is tidying up the second sock is always nigh on impossible to find.

pinches the magazine section if I go to the loo, make a cup of tea, look in the other direction for 30 secs etc.

criticises my housekeeping skills. Admittedly he does a better job than me. It's just he only does it once a month, if that.

loses his temper when he is being unreasonable and I call him on it, and then tells me I'm being selfish/unsympathetic/unfair.

tells me to 'go steady' on the chocs (I am pregnant). I tell him he looks more preggo than me (he does!).

never buys me flowers/birthday card. Birthday present? You are joking, surely...

rarely open his post and piles his crap on my desk then tells me 'we' need to do some filing.

uses every pan in the kitchen when he cooks (but, he is an amazing cook and he does almost all the cooking).

never, ever, puts things back in the fridge, or even puts lids on them, when he's made himself a scooby snack.

rarely actually makes me a cup of tea. He often asks if I want one, which is something I suppose. He does boil the kettle sometimes.

always forgets to lift the seat when he goes for a pee in the dark.

sulks.

speaks to his mother on the phone about 8 times a day.

And this is just a short list. I could probably go on for days. But then, I guess, so could he. I bet he has his own perfectly justified list. Ultimately, I do love him, and love means I live in hope that some day, some of these things will change. I think men sometimes take a long, long time to mature, especially ones without brothers and sisters. I do find whispering the serenity prayer to myself on an almost hourly basis is very helpful.

Good luck! You are not alone!

speaks to his mother on the phone about 8 times a day.*

You are joking Ihope?

If not, I'd send him packing- back to her. Sounds a complete waste of space. Sorry

Not 8 times every day, but they do speak every day, usually twice a day. But, they do occasionally work together on things and also culturally, it is seemingly more usual for sons to do that where they're from so I let it go. To be fair, it's her ringing us on the whole and when he's away, she rings me. He does have his good points - I'd have left years ago if not!