new relationship is foundering

[hopelessinlove]

Have been seeing nm for about 9 months now. We are both lone parents with dc and have developed things slowly. We have had some really good times and I like being with him. Sometimes though I go off him and become really distant and awkward. As my feelings are getting stronger I am becoming more and more difficult to be with and can't seem to stop. Last week we went on holiday child free for first time, four days, was great but towards end I was becoming more and more stressed and keep thinking he is becoming less keen. Was meant to meet him today but I got delayed and sent texts so he was looking for me but I was not there, caught up with him in the end but I am sure he is getting upset with me. I've let him down like this before and I can see that he is losing patience. Am feeling flakier and more mixed up by the minute, how can I relax and enjoy life the way I used to? Partly being away with someone has made me feel lonely now life has gone back to normal in a way I didn't before. Partly I am scared that if I let myself go and really fall for him he'll run off. Maybe he just isn't right for me but I've lost the ability to judge. I feel constant panic.

What has happened before that has made you feel like this? Why are you stressed at spending time with him?

Controlling aggressive ex (to be fair now we are apart he has become charming and considerate in dealings with dc)
I suppose I expect nm to go off on one. The breakup was very stressful.

Does nm know anything about your ex/the break up?

I told him a bit while we were away, because he got grumpy about my map reading and it really upset me. I can't tell him the whole thing. Actually until I wrote it down and Portofino asked I hadn't really made the connection between this and ex. I never used to be flaky about keeping dates though. At times I really don't like him but when I am with him I fancy and love him. No wonder he's getting cheesed off. I would be too.

do you think I'd feel this way if we were truly compatable?

No I think it understandable that you expect things to be a certain way. And men and map reading ALWAYS leads to trouble .

On the other hand, it is unfair on NM to project your ex's behaviour on to him. He is NOT your ex. If you like him and agree to meet him somewhere, then you should turn up. If you don't it is only reasonable that he might be upset.

This how nice, reasonable men think. If you feel "flakey" maybe you need to explain to him more how you feel, that you're insecure in a relationship etc, or seek some outside counselling to help you.

And the end of the day, you DESERVE to be in a happy relationship, but NM needs understand how you feel about things.....

Yes, those blooming maps! he was very nice and told me he was tired and hated getting grumpy with me, he is never angry or violent.
I know I am behaving unfairly. I was hoping I could sort myself out and stop but yes I am feeling v insecure and unhappy.
The breakup was 3 years ago.
Meeting someone has brought all the bottled up feelings out good and bad and I don't think he deserves to suffer from my ishoos.
He needs a nice happy time with someone who can give him that - I think I'm too screwed up. I have already broken off with him once to avoid all this intensity and baggage.
If I tell him I feel insecure and flaky that's just admitting what a mess I really am
under the working facade

I would talk to him too.
Tell him you are aware that you might be giving mixed signals, but that it is your past experience and not him that is the cause.
He has been through a break up too, so maybe he'll understand?
We all base our decision making on our experiences, so don't feel that you are a total mess.

But if he likes you, then surely he will understand? You can explain to him that you have been a bad relationship before and feel insecure. If he is worth his salt then he will be there for you. If not, then maybe not worth the effort....

You need to be truthful with him though. Tell him that you really like him but are scared things will be like before.

He is away tonight and we don't have a time planned together. I don't think he likes intense discussions and I find it hard to talk. I need to tell him I know I'm in the wrong here and ask him to be patient, I suppose. The most horrible thing is I felt quite sorted when I met him it's like any time it goes on a level (first sleeping together, first hol etc) it really does my head in and I am all over the place. It's not so much decision making as blind neediness and panic combined! Yes he has been through a horrible break up but he is v pragmatic. I would like him to be patient but I don't know if I can come through in the end or if I am worth it as they say in the hair ads. I am not a mess on the surface or to my friends, just to anyone that gets too close. Writing this has made me realise how much I do care, actually, and I know I am making him unhappy. He has had some family pressures recently too and I have not been supportive as I could have been. I keep telling him I love him but acting like a fruitcake

You ARE worth it though. If you love him and think he is a decent guy then GO for it. Tell him how you feel and make some plans....

'I really like him but am scared things will be like before'
Yes, that sums it up precisely.
I have hinted but need to say it. Again. And then, more challengingly, act on it.
It confuses things that relationship with ex is now so cordial I wonder if I dreamt it all.
Am just hoping it is not too late.

keep x-posting portoeufino!
yes he is decent, and I do keep telling him I love him. he is coming over with his ds for a cuppa tomorrow but we won't get to talk. They are camping tonight.
He was always trying to call me and see me and I was the brusque one, I think he's got fed up. On the other hand I really don't want to crowd him or be demanding.

Forget the ex. That is behind you now. Just concentrate on the future. On the NM. Think about whether that will make you happy. Be nice to him.

I will do my best! and thank you
will it make me happy? I don't know yet and that's the crux always, isn't it, esp when travelling with luggage, you can never know for sure
I'm going to have to have a darn good try

Don't thank me. Every new relationship is a gamble be you 15 or 50. But in my experience most men aren't bastards. Just enjoy yourself.

I'm nearer the latter age than the former, sadly - around the former it didn't seem to matter
Agree most men aren't bastards but I certainly know how to bring out the bastard in them. Payback for a heartless youth I think.
The reason I stood nm up was lunch with family friends who knew my parents pretty well - in late 70s - roast potatoes were v late - as lone p find Easter/Xmas v difficult esp as lost my parents roudn time of split so needed to be there - point is mum's friend is of the opinion later in life you take a very pragmatic view to relationships (later life being 70+!)
Made me think. When you start out you trust in love, and the relationships just roll by as you get older you have more at stake, house, dc, and you get paralysed by thought.

Have you had any kind of counselling over the breakup of your abusive relationship? It sounds like you might benefit from talking all this stuff through with someone other than your NM (who is not, presumably, a trained counsellor) - however nice he is, he may get fed up of being blamed for what your XP did.