Am I entitled to Privacy?

[elsmummy]

Been with p for 15 years, not very good relashionship, he is very controlling.
He hates it when I use sites such as Facebbook, think he is paraoid that I am slagging him off to friends (which I am not)
more interesting things to talk about.
Problem is if the phone rings he wants to know who it is, same with mobile and texts.
If he gets the chance he will read my texts and e-mails, I have nothing to hide but I feel I shouldn't have to tell him who I am on the phone to and who I am e-mailing etc.
Do you think this is acceptable?

not acceptable. he sounds insecure. ironically, the way out of this is to be nicer and more attentive to him so he doesn't feel insecure/controlling. Not easy, but worth a try?

Personally I dont think thats acceptable behaviour from your DP.

You are entitled to your own space and privacy, as is he.

It isn't acceptable and he does sound insecure but I don't think it is up to you to be more attentive-just be yourself, it is his problem. Don't let him have the control.

Thanks for your quick replies. Tbh the relashionship is pretty much over and I have been looking into ways of leaving, which isn't easy as we have 3 DC's 7,6 and 3.
I have been with him since I was 19 (34 now) and have accepted alot of behaviour which I am only recently beginning to realise is quite unacceptable.
So I keep posting on MN, I suppose to get clarification that is IS unacceptable and feel less guilty about splitting the family.

I agree - not acceptable. Very controlling and insecure behaviour.

Be careful about what you do post on MN.

Is it worth going to Relate-or have you really had enough? Fifteen years is a long time and unless he accepts that he has a problem and wants to change, it is unlikely to be different in the future.

Piscesmoon, I tried to get him to Relate and ended up going on my own.
He has been physically abusive in the past and I think it has all just come to a head.
Many Thanks for reply.

I think I have read some other threads from you, he sounds like an arse. You have every right to privacy.
Please be very careful as you plan your escape: controlling abusive men with a history of physical violence become very dangerous if they suspect or find out that their partners are about to leave.

If he doesn't accept that he has a problem and won't take steps to improve I think, sad though it is with DCs, that you need to get out of the relationship.

You do have a right to privacy, before I read all the way through I was wondering if abuse was involved. Read Lundy Bancrofts book if you haven't already, it will help you plan your escape. If your partner senses you are about to leave his controlling behaviour may escalate, has he always been like this? Oh, and don't tell him if you are planning to leave, he'll either change briefly to keep you there or become physical, especially if there's a history of violence. Good luck

Yes it has always been an abusive relashionship, tried several times to leave but it's only ever lasted a few days and I have ended up going back.
Last year I went to a solicitor and was advised that because we are not married the only matter would be the house, and who has custody of the kids. As their primary carer the kids would almost certinatly be with me and would see their dad as regulary as they wanted. So solicitor sent an initial letter which was burned on the cooker and at this point he decided to take, house keys, car keys stopped all financial support, took away internet connection, would turn off lights and tv and basically say it was all his and I was having nothing.
It became so unbearable that I stopped legal proceedings and just kept a low profile.
In the meantime have got income support, tax credit, own car and job (6 hours a week) but enough to move out and survive, just finding it hard to make the final leap.
Im feeling really guilty about taking the kids away from their home but at the same time I know that their parents at each others throats is harming them.
I have seen a few houses in the village we live for rent and it's just a case of waiting for the right one, then I will get it sorted and move out ( without him knowing initially). Thanks for your supportive replies!

Good luck-I am sure you can do it.

Elsmummy, what did your solicitor advise in relation to the house? If it is in joint names, why are you & the kids planning to move out?

Could you not get an interim ex parte order for your P to move out?

To THYTC,

The solicitor sent him a letter in relation to the house, as it is in both names I would be intitled to a share, he burned the letter on the cooker, he would never leave the house, and I don't have grounds to get him to move out ( which he would never do).
He made life so unbearable, that I had to stop legal proceedings. I couldn't go through that again so we have to move out first, and then start legal proceedings for my share of the house (which would not be much anyway). I just don't understand why he cannot see the relationship is over and accept it so we can split amicably but being the controlling arse that he is he just tells me if you want to go then Fxxxing go,
so that is what I shall do.

Sounds bad. Glad to hear that you are getting things sorted for your plans for the future. Good luck.

Have you been in contact with Women's Aid. He can't actually get away with making your life unbearable to this extent, you can get him removed from the house and forbidden to return - even if he has never actually hit you or the children, his behaviour sounds very intimidating and abusive. You have already made legal complaints against him, so there are records of his abusive behaviour. Men like this frequently claim that they will throw their partners out 'with nothing' and it is frankly bullshit. Men are not legaly allowed to get away with constant abuse, you and the children have rights and he forfeits many of his because of his abusive behaviour.