Dad still in love with Mum - over 20 years later!

[Tigerbear]

Ok, sorry this is going to be a bit rambling, but keen to know if anyone else has had a similar problem. To cut a long story only a little bit shorter - my Mum and Dad were divorced over 20 years ago - Mum remarried (then widowed) and has since had other relationships.
Dad has never had another relationship in all that time
He has suffered from depression on and off during that time (I think he also suffers from S.A.D, but never properly diagnosed). During my childhood my parents had there fair share of arguments, etc immediately after the divorce, but since then have always got on and been friendly towards each other (Dad and my Stepdad were even friendly after the initial awkardness) - and live just 5 minutes from eachother. Dad does odd jobs for my Mum as she now lives alone, has done her decorating, etc and she helped him to revamp his whole flat. He has always visited my Mum's house on family occasions such as birthdays, Christmas, etc, and had/has dinner there often (even when Stepdad was alive), if either me or my brother were there to visit too. Trouble is that its clear to everyone (he has even admitted it to me) that my Dad is still in love with my Mum, and hangs around more than Mum would like. They have a set of mutual friends (who tbh my Dad didn't see that often when my Stepdad was alive, as they socialised with my Mum and him more). Now my Dad is always being pally with them, but more annoyingly for my Mum, he always tries to be too friendly to her other friends and thinks he's 'in' with everyone.

He sort of depends on my Mum a lot, and my brother and his girlfriend, in terms of socialising, and hasn't got many friends of his own. It's not that he's shy - he's fine when he meets new people, and is very talkative and friendly - but shows no inclination of finding his own friends / girlfriend. In fact, he would be horrified to even think there is a problem here, and would get very upset if any of us suggested that he tries to widen his social group.
Also, he goes through certain times of the year (like now) when he gets overly generous and effusive, calling everyone all the time, generally getting over excited, etc - it sounds silly, but it's driving my Mum and brother mad (my brother gets a bit annoyed with me too, as I don't live near then all - about 3 hours away by train - and don't have to put up with it like they do).

REALLY sorry for such a long post - wouldn't be surprised if I don't get any replies to this!

Must be hard for everyone including you. My exdh won't meet anyone else either and we're still friends although he isn't pally with my friends. This must be so difficult for your mum.

It is - she is nice to him when he's there - is never horrible about him, but we all know from comments she's made that she's uncomfortable with him being around all the time.

As sweet as it it, he's just booked a day at the races on Ladies Day for her 60th birthday, and also booked tickets for her, my brother and his girlfriend and her Mum and him to all travel there and back in a chauffeur driven car - must be costing him a couple of hundred. He's normally quite careful with his money, so I think he sees this as being a v generous gift - which it is, but too over the top, and my Mum isn't even into racing!

Oh dear that's not good at all. He's obviously deluded

I think he thinks he's just being nice.
Also, he told my brother that he was planning to ask out my brothers girlfriends Mum on a date (if that makes sense!) - confusing, no? My brother told him in no uncertain terms that this would totally unacceptable (imagine for your Dad to be going out with your girlfriends Mum!). My Dad's response - 'Don't I deserve to be happy then?'
Yes, but just find someone other than her! It's like he can't take any initiative to find his own friends or girlfriend, and not to see that dating bro's girlfriend's Mum would be wrong is just a little odd. He doesn't have much social awareness!

bump

Has anyone else experienced this sort of situation?

Since you say he's never had another relationship and is still in love with your mum, perhaps the asking out the brother's girlfriend's mum is more about asking out someone 'close', rather than wanting a date, iyswim. Maybe he is hoping to get some sort of reaction from your mum?

It's not exactly the same, but my Dad tends to idealise his relationship with my Mom. They were divorced nearly 5 years ago after 30 years of marriage.

It was a rotten marriage. He cheated on her several times, they fought all the time, and didn't seem to particularly like each other very much. Mom is now remarried.

I think my Dad feels very bad about how it ended. It's too long a story, but the jist of it is, a complete sociopath came into their lives and turned them upside down. My Mom started to not believe her, but my Dad still did. Now my Dad realises how much they were both lied to and how much this psycho came in between them.

I've said to Dad a few times that he needs to stop looking back and start looking forward. He is in a relationship with a lovely woman, but continues to get all nostalgic about my Mom. I don't want him to jeopardise his new relationship by constantly regretting not being with my Mom--particularly not when they had such a rotten marriage!

Sure, if the psycho hadn't come into their lives they'd probably still be married, more out of inertia than anything. But Mom is happy now, and Dad has a chance to be happy--I wish he'd take it!

You can't parent your parents. What you wish and want is not what you'll get.

30 years of life are in the packet here and you can't even begin to solve all the issues.

I MOVED country after splitting with my ex because I knew that if I stuck around I'd be forever bound up in his life and he in mine.

Yes, my ex has had relationships after we split, lots in fact, but none of them ever materialised into anything as he always hankered after me and what was and it stopped him from 'moving on'.

I moved away with my little one, and started a new life. He knows only what he knows from distant mutual friends and tht is the way I like it. I certainl;y wouldn't have him decorating for me or socialising or anything. Much as I would have liked to remain friendly with him, it would never have worked with him.

You are probably very confused about it all and I can't quite tell what you are asking here, whether you are 'glad he still loves your Mum' or whether you want him to be happy and move on and away...

One thing is, you can't fix any of it as it's your Mum and Dad's issues and past and present needs here, all rolled into one, well out of your control, and really only their business. Try to be thankful they have managed to be 'friends and civil'. As is not the case with a lot of split ups.

Thanks all, don't get me wrong, I am hugely grateful that they get on, but I do want my dad to extend his circle of friends and at least try to move on, before my mum and her friends get fed up. Don't want him to make a fool of himself and get hurt (he would never ask my mum out again though - he knows it would never happen after over 20 years), nor would I want to see them together as they're two VERY different people now.