Confession of a bully...

[Maviesofar]

Name : Maviesofar
Statut : Married for 3 years (6 years in total)
Nationality : Not british
Children : 2
Age : 29

I have just been reading a thread about a poor woman in abused emotionaly/verbally/limit phycilly (sp?)..and it made me sick. The person abusing her could me at some levels. Me abusing my husband.. I have been depressed for as long I can remember, even as a child, had post natals depressions with my 2 childrens, attempted to my life once in my teens (more a cry for help)..Childhood was not great apart from that we lived in a nice village, had a decent house, working class backgroung, had 2 other siblings..My dad was terrible couldn't handle stress, contradiction, my mother caring for me, couldnt pressure...reason given by my mum, he had issues from his own childhood...Anything he didn't like, he hitted us, called us names, called our mum names...

My mum was working night so we were left alone with him at night..sometimes if couldn't find something. He was calling her at work, screaming at her, calling her names...and I could hear everything (and my siblings I guess)..These are just examples of the things HE has done..he called me fat ( when I was a decent size 10), a failure, a bitch, a whatever you think of until the age of 23...

I have trying not to be like this, when I had pnd I have seeked help as I was getting completely out of control..took ad, went to conselling..it has been more or less ok for some years but now it's back..and I'm horrendous..

What should I do ? Remove myself from the house and hoping for the best for DH and the children ? I'm a real piece of shit.

Well done for being so brave and outing yourself. I would apologise to your dh asap.
And get some more help. Many people mimic the behaviour of parents who were abusive or dysfunctional, so you are not alone.

Good Luck

If you were a piece of shit you would not have been brave or insightful enough to make that post.

You and your family deserve peace of mind, so don't rest until you get decent help to achieve it.

Thanks purple for your answer ! I have apologize many times but it never stops me to do it again..to say nasty hurtful things to dh.. I dont seem to control myself, to change..Not good under stress, or under pressure...DH is a lovely man, he obviously has his defect as us all..I have seeked help again..gave me ad, maybe I need to be in an institution..I dont know..the conselling didn't work, I could see she didn't give a shit..

How can I get decent help ? I have told my gp. I didnt lie, didn't try to make me appear better, didnt care being judge his only answer was Fluoxetine and come back every month to see how you are getting on...This week I was feeling so bad I must I have tought about killing myselg a dozen times..I wont tell you the job I do, you will be worried and probably judging me..

Could you see another doctor in the practise? Most surgeries have at least one female doctor these days and you might find her more helpful.

I saw them all ! Even temporary gp at the pratice, I guess it's the practice I need to change.. I'm suffering a lot at the moment but maybe(probably) not as much as DH, plus I have a drink problem which I developped the last few month..Nothing good with me

How about CBT? You sound depressed but I think, from the sounds of it, that you need more than anti-depressants.

Crackfox -what is cbt ? and thanks for your answer !!

Hi Mavie - it stands for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. This may work for you. It doesnt focus on the past but on changing you mindset and patterns now.

You poor thing, your childhood was awful, abusive. Mine was very similar. Please take a look at the Stately Homes threads in Relationships. Everyone on there has suffered in a similar way to you and it is a totally supportive, non-judgemental place to post.

You can recover from such a terrible start in life, you can heal yourself and become the beautiful person you were always meant to be.

AD's are not the answer, perhaps a temporary alleviation of your symptoms, but that's all.

You need to see out a good psychotherapist who is experienced in working with adult survivors of childhood abuse. There are also a lot of books you can read such as Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. You are not alone, many of us have been through what you have been through and you can break the cycle of abuse. It does take courage and determination on your part but I can see that you do have these qualities by the very fact you have posted on here. Good Luck. x

seek out

I second the advice re: finding a good psychotherapist. You will be amazed at the journey you will go on and the understanding of how your childhood experiences have formed you and your behaviour. Once you have made this link you will be able to better manage your behaviour. It quite literally saved my marriage I think.

Good luck - it won't be easy but will be enlightening.

MissisBoot, you are so right Dealing with my own childhood issues also saved my marriage and also saved my DC's from suffering in the same way I did as a child.

You mentioned a drink problem and I wonder if your diet might be one of the things aggravating the situation.

There is a website: www.radiantrecovery.com, which is all about changing your diet so that the chemistry in your brain is stable, which stabilizes your moods.

I don't say this to belittle your problems, but sometimes physical imbalances can bring about changes in behaviour.

Thank you all for your answers ! I'm ok tonight..I have had an argurment with DH but didnt swear at him, didnt get abusive..etc..I just shut me out and listening depeche mode and talking to you lot...I have looked at the cbt thing and it looks quite interesting, I took the number ! I'm all for seeking help from a pychotherapist but where do I get that ? From the gp ??? You all are making me feel all better..I have always been like this but I want to change as I cant bear myself anymore, I sounds like my dad..saying the same type of shit he used to say...he was always unpredictable, scary...I tried to speak about it with them with my mum, but they are in complete denial..

Another book you might find helpful is 'The Feeling Good Handbook' by Dr David Burns - it's a good starting point for learning about cbt and beginning to practice it.

Thanks non toxic I'm going to look at it on amazon ! Thanks

I have got 2 lives - One which I'm completely myself with my family, my ups and my downs and my downs and my downs and my downs again..and then my other life : outside the house, I'm lucky enought to have quite a few friends, one knows more or less that I'm depressed and told me that there is nothing wrong to be on ad if it means that I'll feel better, she's cute and I adore her but I didn't tell her how deep the depression is.. and the others which I really like but I cant bring myself to tell them but they must have noticed to be honest..I was never fussed about my clothing well over the few past months it got worst, my hair, I dont give a shit, my weight spiralled out of control. I dont know how I managed to still have friends..if they knew..they are all middle class friends with high flying carrers and me well, let's just say, I'm bringing money home which is great but I'm sick of life.